Some funny stuff from Steven Wright.

[zeek]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

[Louie Detroit]

As far as #32 goes the last couple of years the times I had to lay on a cold medical table, they had a heating machine to provide nice warm blankets.

[Craig]

All were good…but about a third made me chuckle out loud.

[Yadkin]

He's no Bill Burr.

[Bluescorvette]

He once said he wasn't scared of heights he's scared of widths.

[Bill]

He had a dog at one time. He poured Spot remover on the dog, and now it's gone.

[Craig]

I’m addicted to placebos; I could stop, but it wouldn’t matter…

[Frankie the Fink]

Some of those old timers are a riot, always liked Gallagher - saw him in person twice.
The guy just had so much aplomb with his delivery and some of his analysis of everyday things' was hilarious; I think he died a few months back.

[Torqaholic]

Some of those seemed original and not too shabby.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Can't be exactly quantified because it's undergoing constant acceleration. It is faster than the speed of light beyond a specific distance but imperceptible at closer ranges. Currently claimed to be ~70 kps per megaparsec (last year it was ~65kps/Mpc). Defined as the expansion of space due to "dark energy".

The darkness however is not related to a shade of color, it's called dark because the cause is unknown. Not likely to be renamed until a consensus can be reached on the theory of what's causing it.

Don't say ya didn't ask

[slewfoot]

Originally Posted by Frankie the Fink

Some of those old timers are a riot, always liked Gallagher - saw him in person twice.
The guy just had so much aplomb with his delivery and some of his analysis of everyday things' was hilarious; I think he died a few months back.

We saw Ralphie May, Bob Saget, Gallagher & Louie Anderson. They all died within a few weeks after we saw their show. Ralphie was the next day

[Louie Detroit]

Originally Posted by slewfoot

We saw Ralphie May, Bob Saget, Gallagher & Louie Anderson. They all died within a few weeks after we saw their show. Ralphie was the next day

I can overnight you free tickets to the next Amy Schumer show if you’re interested.

[LATB]

Originally Posted by Louie Detroit

I can overnight you free tickets to the next Amy Schumer show if you’re interested.

Well played Louie.

[Vandelay Industries]

I'm going to get a full body tattoo of me but taller.

I went to a restaurant that advertised "breakfast anytime," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

[Craig]

There’s a fine line between fishing…and just standing on the beach like an idiot…

[Frankie the Fink]

Originally Posted by Louie Detroit

I can overnight you free tickets to the next Amy Schumer show if you’re interested.

Nah! I'd miss my Sarah Silverman show...

[Yadkin]

Originally Posted by Frankie the Fink

Nah! I'd miss my Sarah Silverman show...

She's be funny if she kept her leftist politics out of it.

[Unsuspicious]

Originally Posted by Torqaholic

Some of those seemed original and not too shabby.



Can't be exactly quantified because it's undergoing constant acceleration. It is faster than the speed of light beyond a specific distance but imperceptible at closer ranges. Currently claimed to be ~70 kps per megaparsec (last year it was ~65kps/Mpc). Defined as the expansion of space due to "dark energy".

The darkness however is not related to a shade of color, it's called dark because the cause is unknown. Not likely to be renamed until a consensus can be reached on the theory of what's causing it.

Don't say ya didn't ask

Wrong, the speed of dark is however fast OJ was driving

[Louie Detroit]

Originally Posted by Yadkin

She's be funny if she kept her leftist politics out of it.

She's built like a refrigerator, check out her NSFW pics.

[Onebadcad]

I first saw him on letterman in mid-80s, he was damn good then.
I think emo philips also debuted around then, funny in his own way, but not as good as wright.
letterman was a good dood back then, and then he went liberal-apeshit-stupidface.