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Old 07-02-2020, 9:23am   #1
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Default husband gets caught...

Wife screams at husband “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” He answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
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Old 07-02-2020, 9:28am   #2
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Old 07-02-2020, 9:29am   #3
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Old 07-02-2020, 9:32am   #4
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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Whenever I open the fridge, the light makes me look pasty and chubby.

So I put a tanning bulb in
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Old 07-02-2020, 9:39am   #5
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Old 07-02-2020, 9:40am   #6
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream.
It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him on Aisle 5 with the EMT's.
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Old 07-02-2020, 10:01am   #7
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A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of wine. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"

--------------------------------------------------------

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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Old 07-02-2020, 10:11am   #8
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Old 07-02-2020, 10:31am   #9
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Old 07-02-2020, 10:38am   #10
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10/10


excellent thread, would laugh again
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Old 07-02-2020, 10:48am   #11
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Some good ones!

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Old 07-02-2020, 12:54pm   #12
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Shouldn't this be in the divorcee thread?

Trying to help the mods.
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Old 07-03-2020, 7:47am   #13
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