Sorry To Steal Your Thunder Spence, But Have Some Great Sex Quotes

[Jeff '79]

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

[78SA]

[lspencer534]

Let me re-seal my dominance as World Champion in this area:

Turns out it's not really all-purpose flour!

If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my underwear.

Just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean you have to eat like one!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Politicians are from Uranus.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four,
five potato, six potato... damn!
Like, what are you, a friggin' potato whore?!?

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.

You could give a headache to a Tylenol.

Now holding auditions for an exciting new
multimedia project: the world's first nymphomercial

Stop Global Whining!

Even God is single. Get off my back.

God brought us together.
Prozac made us friends.

Gore vs. Bush.
That's not an election,
that's a movie choice.

They call it PMS because
Mad Cow Disease was taken.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Jesus died for our sins. It seems a shame
to cheapen that by not committing any.
Dibs on gluttony and lust!

Mean People Suck.
Nice People Swallow

Whenever you can, take the road less traveled. Fewer cops.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than
to live with that bitch for the rest of your life.

'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all.
--Brought to you by The Divorce Lawyers of America.

I've been using my computer for a while
now, but I still don't know: Where is
the "ass key" and what does it do?

Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit T. Frog

I have seen the future. It sucks.
- Nostradamus

Hey, Ladies - try me on for sighs...

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
This explains the fights over where to set the thermostat.

I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askmilgerated.

It must be puppy love, 'cause I don't even mind it
when she scoots her butt across my white shag carpet.

In my lifetime, I have been in top physical condition,
and I have been fat and sloppy. And I gotta say,
fat and sloppy is a whole lot easier to maintain.

As our 42nd President is fond of saying, Blow Me.

It's fun to meet a girl in the park.
It's more fun to park the meat in a girl!

It's not how deep you fish,
but how you wiggle your worm.

What's the big deal with "Doggie Style"?
I mean, sleeping all day is OK,
and I certainly don't mind licking myself,
but I'm just not into humping strangers' legs.

Jesus Is Coming!
(Everyone look busy!)

Doing my best to make Inspector Gadget look like
an Amish Elder in a power outage.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I said "no" to drugs.
They wouldn't take "no" for an answer!

I take Viagra, but just so I don't roll out of bed.

You're only as old as you feel.
Right now, I really need to feel a 20 year old...

If the past, present and future are all an illusion,
why am I still horny?

You're the reason I'm on medication.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

Living less "La Vida Loca"
than "La Vida Stroca".

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Politics: From the Latin "Poli" (many) and
"tics" (blood sucking parasites)

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Growing old is mandatory. :-(
Growing up is Optional! :-)

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

Men are animals.
But some of us make good pets.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

If We Quit Voting Would They All Go Away?

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Ahhh...I see the feck-up fairy has visited us again...

Vegetables are not food.
Vegetables are what food eats.

For Sale: Parachute. Only worn once.
Never Opened. Small Stain.

Genitals Certified Y2K Compliant.
(Ladies, sign up now to avoid service interruptions.)

What am I? Flypaper for psychos!?

Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes?

You! Off my planet!

I've found Jesus.
(He was behind the couch the whole time.)

With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Hung like Einstein, smart as a horse...

No man is an island, but every man has a peninsula.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Cheap, fast, and easy.
I guess I really am what I eat.

My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up,
but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet.

Always the hydrant, never the hound...

I've got a head cold. Phlegm at 11:00.

This is *not* the life I ordered!

Collect call from Earth. Will you accept the charges?

I'm like a bank: I'll maintain your interest
right up to the moment of withdrawal.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

If an idle mind is the Devil's workshop,
then you must be the Devil's Home Depot.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Beauty is only sin deep.

My two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Today's Oxymoron: Rap Music

Today's oxymoron: Marijuana Initiative.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Walking that fine line between positive self-esteem and pathetic self-delusion.

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends.
But you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch.

Putting the F-U in Funny...

I do not have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

No Man Is An Island.
(But tie a bunch of dead guys together,
and they make a pretty good raft.)

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I take my coffee like I take my women.
(And I'm getting *real* tired of $500 cups of coffee!)

I like my women like I like my coffee: bitter.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball-peen hammer.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Copywight 1997 Elmer Fudd.
All wights wesewved.

If Elvis were alive today, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.

On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.

I love my job, *and* my new medication.

Go ahead, piss me off.
I think there's room for one more body.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Curiosity? Nope. Got that particular cat with the lawnmower...

How come when women do it, it's "independence",
but when I do it, it's "fear of commitment"?

Sometimes you're the pigeon,
and sometimes you're the statue.

Sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes you're the bug.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before.

You! Out of the gene pool!

If you can hear them whining,
you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow

Give Pizza Chants.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind and body, I'm spending all my money.

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Half the people reading this are below average.

"Not tonight, dear, I have a modem..."

Just who is this Didley Squat guy,
and what's the big deal with me not knowing him?

http:\\www.doublejointed.kamasutra.com

http:\\kissmyass.com domain name is for sale. Inquire now.

http:\\Pull my Finger!

She-Male me at hermaphrodite.com

Wanted: Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead Or Alive.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.

Of course I'm a General.
(Wanna see my Privates?)

ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Who wants to help "Free Willy", if you know what I mean?

So excited, even my soft contacts are hard!

When cryptography is outlawed,
only outlaws jgwh hwhrula kalyq majgsatd.

When you meet Miss Right, make sure her first name isn't "Always"!!

So. Who wants to be the last straw?

Snatch A Kiss!
(Or vice versa...)

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

How do you know computer programmers are full of crap?
Everytime you ask them a question, they say "Depends".

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

I used to live for sex.
(Now I'd kill for some.)

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Sex is not the answer.
(Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.)

I'm not one of those geeks who's made a fortune on some kind of software. I'm just a geek.

Do crematoriums give discounts on burn victims?

Don't sweat the petty things.
(And don't pet the sweaty things.)

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often, and for pretty much the same reasons.

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy.
Other times I let her sleep in.

Money can't buy love.
(But it can rent a very close imitation.)

The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is that the porno film has better music.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I can only please one person a day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow does not look any better.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

My New Year's Resolution is: 1024x768

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don't use shampoo.
Insist on real poo.

Marriage Means Commitment.
(Of course, so does insanity.)

Let's be honest and spell it "egotesticle".

Cat. The Other White Meat.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has its limits.

Sacred Cows Make The Best Burgers.

Beauty Is In The Eye of the Beerholder.

Chaste Makes Waste.

Who is Hugh Goegurl and why do people keep yelling his name?

Eschew Obfuscation

Sex is a misdemeanor.
The more I miss it, the meaner I get !!

What's another word for thesaurus?

Who do atheists call out to during sex?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I love cats.
They taste like chicken.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?

If God had intended us to drink beer, he'd've given us stomachs.

To err is human. Major screw-ups require a computer.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

"Maybe it's in the basement.
I'll go upstairs and check." - M. C. Escher

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Backup not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?

You're only young once.
(But you can be immature forever!)

I love peace and quiet.
(Give me a piece and I'll be quiet.)

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest have to drown too?

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming like his passengers

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No Gut, No Glory

BREAKFAST.COM halted: Cereal port not responding.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Carpe Magnum

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...
why don't I just come back in a week?

I am *NOT* in denial!

Veni, Vidi, Visa.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Diplomacy: the art of saying "nice doggy" while you look for a rock.

Mary had a little lamb.
(And Mulder is determined to find out why.)

Go ahead and put the cart before the horse. (The view is better.)

If a man speaks in the forest,
and there's no woman to hear it,
is he still wrong?

Got change for a paradigm?

Help Wanted: Telepath.
(You know where to apply.)

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

What was the best thing *before* sliced bread?

Heisenberg might have been here.
(But not with Pauli.)

Do witches run spell checkers?

Not a computer expert, though I play one on-line.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Lead me not into temptation, for I can find it myself.

We have plenty of youth; what we need is a Fountain of Smart!

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object...

Yank me; crank me; but don't wake me up to thank me.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Remember the first time you made love?
(I do; I have the receipt.)

Coito ergo sum.

In Cyperspace, no one can smell your breath.

Why does Hawaii have Interstate highways?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence of the attempt.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

But soft, what code through yonder Windows breaks?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Thou shalt not steal!
(Unless, of course, thou art duly elected)

"More hay, Trigger?"
"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live in it.

Never hit a man when he's down.
(Kick him, it's easier.)

Never hit a man with glasses.
(Hit him with a rock.)

Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts!

What kind of idiot asks rhetorical questions?

Suffering from premature jack-o'-Lantern.

Assassins do it from behind.

Cupid is as Cupid does.

Rehab is for quitters

A dog is just a dog.
(Until he's got your privates in his jaws; then he's Mr. Dog.)

I'll rise, but I'll be damned if I'll shine.

Seize it and squeeze it.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

If corn oil comes from corn,
where does baby oil come from?

Shouldn't it be spelled 'funnetik'?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Women need a reason. Men just need a place.

Drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

File not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

It's not whether you win or lose,
it's whether *I* win or lose.

Make Love, Not War.
(Or get married and do both...)

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?

Life is an STD

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

What is tat, and where can I get two to trade?

Time is the best teacher.
(Unfortunately, it kills all its students.)

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Non Lessi Illegitimis Te Carborundum

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Shift to the left!
Shift to the right!
Push Stack! Pop Stack!
Byte! Byte! Byte!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Look out for #1.
Don't step in #2.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Conserve toilet paper: use both sides.

A day without sunshine is like....night!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound..

Time heals all wounds.
That's why the doctor makes you wait so long.

If I name my adult film studio "Palm Pictures",
will anyone know I'm referring to the tree?

Current Book Project: Crash Testing for Dummies.

Current Book Project: Ventriloquism for Dummies.

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

Dammit, I *am* in shape!
("Round" is a shape, isn't it?)

Every time I push the envelope,
I get a paper cut!

A day without orange juice is
like sex without handcuffs.

Beware of geeks bearing GIFs...

Birds of a feather flock together.
Then they crap on your car.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

How do I know when I'm good enough
at celibacy to stop practicing it?

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

I'm so tired I couldn't pull a wet string out of a sick cat's ass.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each
morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only
hit that snooze button so many times...

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life's a banquet. Eat me.

Life's short. Be sure to take
time to smell the panties.

Love means never having to say
"Does that twenty include the spanking?"

Relationships should come with those little black boxes that airplanes have.
That way, when they crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers.

Today's lesson: It's hard to meditate on methamphetamines

Vegetarian - from a latin word meaning "really bad hunter".

Feared by men, loved by women....
apparently, I'm a lesbian!

Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

Guns don't kill people.
Husbands who come home early kill people.

Donner, party of four, your table is ready.
Donner, party of three?
Donner, party of two, we have your table.
Mr Donner, would you like to sit at the bar?

For fast, temporary relief from
the symptoms of Nymphomania.

I live like I type: fast and with a lot of mistakes.

I made love in the rain,
and now I have thunderclap.

I've upped my standards. Up Yours!

If frogs had glass balls, they'd only hop once.

Moosehead: A tasty beer, and
a pretty good deal for the moose.

Most men would respect a woman's mind more
if it bounced gently as she walked.

My car is built for speed.
I, on the other hand, am built for comfort.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

There are two sides to every divorce:
yours and the castrating bitch's.

I can only assume the guy who named Viagra
didn't think of "Peniscillin" first.

There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it;
if it don't stink, don't stir it.

"Sex Drive" minus "Sex" equals "Drive"
Well, that explains the car obsession.

I've been diagnosed with Osteopornosis,
a degenerate's "bone" disease.

Remember the Chicago Driving 80/20 rule:
80% of your waving will be done with 20% of your fingers.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
25 acres of remote woodlands.
Now, what was your problem again?

Is a gay pirate a "swishbuckler"?
(No offense, Johnny Depp!)

Love is blind.
Lust has 20/10 vision.

It isn't premarital sex if you have
no intention of getting married.

History does not always repeat itself.
Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember
anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
--John W. Campbell

Why are all the devices searching
for intelligent life in the universe
pointed away from Earth?

Desperately Seeking Suction.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding on what to have for lunch.
Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote.
- Ben Franklin

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

To find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
(You might want to see a specialist.)

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

Sexism hurts everyone,
especially broads.

Next time you wonder if technology is a good thing,
just try sending hundreds of lame jokes and pornographic
pictures to friends via the U.S. Postal Service.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Physically pfffft.

Why do I keep meeting women who
put the "hot" in "psychotic"???

I need a lot less email
and a lot more female.

Always buckle your seat belt. It makes it harder
for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I hope that someday they'll come out with a
"Pornography for Dummies" book, because sometimes
I don't get the plot and the music seems weak.

When I think of all the people I respect the most,
you're right there, serving them drinks.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Jesus Loves You.
The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

If I wanted my raisins plump and juicy, I'd eat grapes.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Putting the "eek!" in "Geek!".

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I think it would be great to be a pet fish,
except for that part where they taste
their floating poop to see if it's food.

No, those pants do not make you look fatter.
I mean, how could they?

You know what's really cool about women?
You can give them a wedgie from
the back or the front!

Shut up and reboot.

Life is short - eat dessert first!

Life is short.
Make fun of it.

Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's
a vague fishy odor, it could be any number of things.

I'd love to help you out.
Which way did you come in?

Nurse! More Suction!

Life is like a pretzel: salty, twisted, and better with beer.

Turns out there's two kinds of anal. And she's the wrong one.

Here's to ***** and gunpowder: One brings you into this world,
one takes you out, and I love the smell of both.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Engineering is the implementation of science; politics is the implementation of faith.

If you don't have video, that wasn't me.

You have to be smarter than the tools you work with.

Life is like a beautiful women - hold it close and kiss it deeply.
And when it turns ugly, head butt.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Note: No trees were killed in the posting of this reply,
but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

I had an Epiphany yesterday. But that may just be her stripper name.

Cruel and unusual punishments work better.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who need closure,

Spell checkers are for wumps.

Me so corny.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Women don't want to hear what you think.
They want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

Poto, ergo sum. (I drink, therefore I am.)

I may have Alzheimers but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

Don't hit kids.
No, seriously. They have guns now.

Silly is a state of mind,
stupid is a way of life.

There is no "I" in team,
but there are 4 in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

There is no "overkill". There is only
"open fire" and "I need to reload."

Jesus loves you - just not in that way.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than you are!

Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.

Top 10 Reasons To Procrastinate:
1.

Nuke An Unborn Black Gay Jewish Baby Whale For Jesus.
Did I miss offending anyone?

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive,
and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

My goal is to be the last man on earth,
just to see if all those women are lying to me.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

You can't lick the system, but you can
certainly give it a darn good fondling.

A cheap thrill is still a thrill.

Kids are like Slinkies- not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who!

America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful results, but that's not why we do it.

Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6 billion to one.

A good friend will come bail you out of jail,
but a true friend will be sitting
in the cell next to you saying
"That was ****ing awesome."

I like to make people think.
Mostly, I seem to make them think
"What the hell is WRONG with that guy?"

Love is in the air. And it keeps pooping on my head.

Cogito ergo nom.

Does this washcloth smell like chloroform to you?

Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.

It was on fire when I got here.

Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and elected.

I used to think I was nuts, then I met every woman I've ever dated.

When did "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice"
become "Whiny and Bitchy and Everything Itchy"?!

My body is NOT a temple. It's a stadium, filled with
hot dogs, nachos, and lots of beer.

I have a dream. But I change the sheets afterwards, so it's okay.

I gave my monkey a time out, but it didn't seem to help.
I'm going back to spanking.

Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons,
for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I love the women's movement. Especially from behind!

Change your mind; it's starting to smell.

The reason we're called "nice guys"
is *because* we take so long to finish!

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I hated my computer until it went down on me.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor

You were meant for me. Apparently as a punishment.

If everyone else gets a flu shot, you don't need one.

Why get even, when you can get odd?

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

One of us is thinking about sex.....OK, it's me.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

It's funny how personal preferences change with age.
For example, as a kid I really hated spankings.

Having seized the day, I have no idea where to put it!

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life,
I think I'd have to go with "my underpants".

It's hard to believe in God when certain people
are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my *own* pants.

So, that means that dishonesty is the second best policy?

[Jeff '79]

Holy chit ! You win !!

[DAB]

Warranty void upon payment of invoice.

[OddBall]

[DAB]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

Let me re-seal my dominance as World Champion in this area:

Turns out it's not really all-purpose flour!

If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my underwear.

Just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean you have to eat like one!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Politicians are from Uranus.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four,
five potato, six potato... damn!
Like, what are you, a friggin' potato whore?!?

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.

You could give a headache to a Tylenol.

Now holding auditions for an exciting new
multimedia project: the world's first nymphomercial

Stop Global Whining!

Even God is single. Get off my back.

God brought us together.
Prozac made us friends.

Gore vs. Bush.
That's not an election,
that's a movie choice.

They call it PMS because
Mad Cow Disease was taken.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Jesus died for our sins. It seems a shame
to cheapen that by not committing any.
Dibs on gluttony and lust!

Mean People Suck.
Nice People Swallow

Whenever you can, take the road less traveled. Fewer cops.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than
to live with that bitch for the rest of your life.

'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all.
--Brought to you by The Divorce Lawyers of America.

I've been using my computer for a while
now, but I still don't know: Where is
the "ass key" and what does it do?

Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit T. Frog

I have seen the future. It sucks.
- Nostradamus

Hey, Ladies - try me on for sighs...

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
This explains the fights over where to set the thermostat.

I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askmilgerated.

It must be puppy love, 'cause I don't even mind it
when she scoots her butt across my white shag carpet.

In my lifetime, I have been in top physical condition,
and I have been fat and sloppy. And I gotta say,
fat and sloppy is a whole lot easier to maintain.

As our 42nd President is fond of saying, Blow Me.

It's fun to meet a girl in the park.
It's more fun to park the meat in a girl!

It's not how deep you fish,
but how you wiggle your worm.

What's the big deal with "Doggie Style"?
I mean, sleeping all day is OK,
and I certainly don't mind licking myself,
but I'm just not into humping strangers' legs.

Jesus Is Coming!
(Everyone look busy!)

Doing my best to make Inspector Gadget look like
an Amish Elder in a power outage.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I said "no" to drugs.
They wouldn't take "no" for an answer!

I take Viagra, but just so I don't roll out of bed.

You're only as old as you feel.
Right now, I really need to feel a 20 year old...

If the past, present and future are all an illusion,
why am I still horny?

You're the reason I'm on medication.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

Living less "La Vida Loca"
than "La Vida Stroca".

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Politics: From the Latin "Poli" (many) and
"tics" (blood sucking parasites)

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Growing old is mandatory. :-(
Growing up is Optional! :-)

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

Men are animals.
But some of us make good pets.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

If We Quit Voting Would They All Go Away?

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Ahhh...I see the feck-up fairy has visited us again...

Vegetables are not food.
Vegetables are what food eats.

For Sale: Parachute. Only worn once.
Never Opened. Small Stain.

Genitals Certified Y2K Compliant.
(Ladies, sign up now to avoid service interruptions.)

What am I? Flypaper for psychos!?

Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes?

You! Off my planet!

I've found Jesus.
(He was behind the couch the whole time.)

With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Hung like Einstein, smart as a horse...

No man is an island, but every man has a peninsula.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Cheap, fast, and easy.
I guess I really am what I eat.

My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up,
but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet.

Always the hydrant, never the hound...

I've got a head cold. Phlegm at 11:00.

This is *not* the life I ordered!

Collect call from Earth. Will you accept the charges?

I'm like a bank: I'll maintain your interest
right up to the moment of withdrawal.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

If an idle mind is the Devil's workshop,
then you must be the Devil's Home Depot.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Beauty is only sin deep.

My two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Today's Oxymoron: Rap Music

Today's oxymoron: Marijuana Initiative.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Walking that fine line between positive self-esteem and pathetic self-delusion.

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends.
But you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch.

Putting the F-U in Funny...

I do not have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

No Man Is An Island.
(But tie a bunch of dead guys together,
and they make a pretty good raft.)

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I take my coffee like I take my women.
(And I'm getting *real* tired of $500 cups of coffee!)

I like my women like I like my coffee: bitter.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball-peen hammer.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Copywight 1997 Elmer Fudd.
All wights wesewved.

If Elvis were alive today, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.

On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.

I love my job, *and* my new medication.

Go ahead, piss me off.
I think there's room for one more body.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Curiosity? Nope. Got that particular cat with the lawnmower...

How come when women do it, it's "independence",
but when I do it, it's "fear of commitment"?

Sometimes you're the pigeon,
and sometimes you're the statue.

Sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes you're the bug.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before.

You! Out of the gene pool!

If you can hear them whining,
you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow

Give Pizza Chants.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind and body, I'm spending all my money.

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Half the people reading this are below average.

"Not tonight, dear, I have a modem..."

Just who is this Didley Squat guy,
and what's the big deal with me not knowing him?

http:\\www.doublejointed.kamasutra.com

http:\\kissmyass.com domain name is for sale. Inquire now.

http:\\Pull my Finger!

She-Male me at hermaphrodite.com

Wanted: Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead Or Alive.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.

Of course I'm a General.
(Wanna see my Privates?)

ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Who wants to help "Free Willy", if you know what I mean?

So excited, even my soft contacts are hard!

When cryptography is outlawed,
only outlaws jgwh hwhrula kalyq majgsatd.

When you meet Miss Right, make sure her first name isn't "Always"!!

So. Who wants to be the last straw?

Snatch A Kiss!
(Or vice versa...)

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

How do you know computer programmers are full of crap?
Everytime you ask them a question, they say "Depends".

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

I used to live for sex.
(Now I'd kill for some.)

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Sex is not the answer.
(Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.)

I'm not one of those geeks who's made a fortune on some kind of software. I'm just a geek.

Do crematoriums give discounts on burn victims?

Don't sweat the petty things.
(And don't pet the sweaty things.)

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often, and for pretty much the same reasons.

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy.
Other times I let her sleep in.

Money can't buy love.
(But it can rent a very close imitation.)

The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is that the porno film has better music.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I can only please one person a day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow does not look any better.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

My New Year's Resolution is: 1024x768

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don't use shampoo.
Insist on real poo.

Marriage Means Commitment.
(Of course, so does insanity.)

Let's be honest and spell it "egotesticle".

Cat. The Other White Meat.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has its limits.

Sacred Cows Make The Best Burgers.

Beauty Is In The Eye of the Beerholder.

Chaste Makes Waste.

Who is Hugh Goegurl and why do people keep yelling his name?

Eschew Obfuscation

Sex is a misdemeanor.
The more I miss it, the meaner I get !!

What's another word for thesaurus?

Who do atheists call out to during sex?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I love cats.
They taste like chicken.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?

If God had intended us to drink beer, he'd've given us stomachs.

To err is human. Major screw-ups require a computer.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

"Maybe it's in the basement.
I'll go upstairs and check." - M. C. Escher

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Backup not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?

You're only young once.
(But you can be immature forever!)

I love peace and quiet.
(Give me a piece and I'll be quiet.)

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest have to drown too?

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming like his passengers

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No Gut, No Glory

BREAKFAST.COM halted: Cereal port not responding.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Carpe Magnum

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...
why don't I just come back in a week?

I am *NOT* in denial!

Veni, Vidi, Visa.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Diplomacy: the art of saying "nice doggy" while you look for a rock.

Mary had a little lamb.
(And Mulder is determined to find out why.)

Go ahead and put the cart before the horse. (The view is better.)

If a man speaks in the forest,
and there's no woman to hear it,
is he still wrong?

Got change for a paradigm?

Help Wanted: Telepath.
(You know where to apply.)

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

What was the best thing *before* sliced bread?

Heisenberg might have been here.
(But not with Pauli.)

Do witches run spell checkers?

Not a computer expert, though I play one on-line.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Lead me not into temptation, for I can find it myself.

We have plenty of youth; what we need is a Fountain of Smart!

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object...

Yank me; crank me; but don't wake me up to thank me.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Remember the first time you made love?
(I do; I have the receipt.)

Coito ergo sum.

In Cyperspace, no one can smell your breath.

Why does Hawaii have Interstate highways?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence of the attempt.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

But soft, what code through yonder Windows breaks?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Thou shalt not steal!
(Unless, of course, thou art duly elected)

"More hay, Trigger?"
"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live in it.

Never hit a man when he's down.
(Kick him, it's easier.)

Never hit a man with glasses.
(Hit him with a rock.)

Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts!

What kind of idiot asks rhetorical questions?

Suffering from premature jack-o'-Lantern.

Assassins do it from behind.

Cupid is as Cupid does.

Rehab is for quitters

A dog is just a dog.
(Until he's got your privates in his jaws; then he's Mr. Dog.)

I'll rise, but I'll be damned if I'll shine.

Seize it and squeeze it.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

If corn oil comes from corn,
where does baby oil come from?

Shouldn't it be spelled 'funnetik'?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Women need a reason. Men just need a place.

Drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

File not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

It's not whether you win or lose,
it's whether *I* win or lose.

Make Love, Not War.
(Or get married and do both...)

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?

Life is an STD

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

What is tat, and where can I get two to trade?

Time is the best teacher.
(Unfortunately, it kills all its students.)

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Non Lessi Illegitimis Te Carborundum

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Shift to the left!
Shift to the right!
Push Stack! Pop Stack!
Byte! Byte! Byte!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Look out for #1.
Don't step in #2.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Conserve toilet paper: use both sides.

A day without sunshine is like....night!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound..

Time heals all wounds.
That's why the doctor makes you wait so long.

If I name my adult film studio "Palm Pictures",
will anyone know I'm referring to the tree?

Current Book Project: Crash Testing for Dummies.

Current Book Project: Ventriloquism for Dummies.

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

Dammit, I *am* in shape!
("Round" is a shape, isn't it?)

Every time I push the envelope,
I get a paper cut!

A day without orange juice is
like sex without handcuffs.

Beware of geeks bearing GIFs...

Birds of a feather flock together.
Then they crap on your car.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

How do I know when I'm good enough
at celibacy to stop practicing it?

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

I'm so tired I couldn't pull a wet string out of a sick cat's ass.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each
morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only
hit that snooze button so many times...

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life's a banquet. Eat me.

Life's short. Be sure to take
time to smell the panties.

Love means never having to say
"Does that twenty include the spanking?"

Relationships should come with those little black boxes that airplanes have.
That way, when they crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers.

Today's lesson: It's hard to meditate on methamphetamines

Vegetarian - from a latin word meaning "really bad hunter".

Feared by men, loved by women....
apparently, I'm a lesbian!

Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

Guns don't kill people.
Husbands who come home early kill people.

Donner, party of four, your table is ready.
Donner, party of three?
Donner, party of two, we have your table.
Mr Donner, would you like to sit at the bar?

For fast, temporary relief from
the symptoms of Nymphomania.

I live like I type: fast and with a lot of mistakes.

I made love in the rain,
and now I have thunderclap.

I've upped my standards. Up Yours!

If frogs had glass balls, they'd only hop once.

Moosehead: A tasty beer, and
a pretty good deal for the moose.

Most men would respect a woman's mind more
if it bounced gently as she walked.

My car is built for speed.
I, on the other hand, am built for comfort.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

There are two sides to every divorce:
yours and the castrating bitch's.

I can only assume the guy who named Viagra
didn't think of "Peniscillin" first.

There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it;
if it don't stink, don't stir it.

"Sex Drive" minus "Sex" equals "Drive"
Well, that explains the car obsession.

I've been diagnosed with Osteopornosis,
a degenerate's "bone" disease.

Remember the Chicago Driving 80/20 rule:
80% of your waving will be done with 20% of your fingers.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
25 acres of remote woodlands.
Now, what was your problem again?

Is a gay pirate a "swishbuckler"?
(No offense, Johnny Depp!)

Love is blind.
Lust has 20/10 vision.

It isn't premarital sex if you have
no intention of getting married.

History does not always repeat itself.
Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember
anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
--John W. Campbell

Why are all the devices searching
for intelligent life in the universe
pointed away from Earth?

Desperately Seeking Suction.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding on what to have for lunch.
Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote.
- Ben Franklin

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

To find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
(You might want to see a specialist.)

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

Sexism hurts everyone,
especially broads.

Next time you wonder if technology is a good thing,
just try sending hundreds of lame jokes and pornographic
pictures to friends via the U.S. Postal Service.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Physically pfffft.

Why do I keep meeting women who
put the "hot" in "psychotic"???

I need a lot less email
and a lot more female.

Always buckle your seat belt. It makes it harder
for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I hope that someday they'll come out with a
"Pornography for Dummies" book, because sometimes
I don't get the plot and the music seems weak.

When I think of all the people I respect the most,
you're right there, serving them drinks.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Jesus Loves You.
The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

If I wanted my raisins plump and juicy, I'd eat grapes.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Putting the "eek!" in "Geek!".

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I think it would be great to be a pet fish,
except for that part where they taste
their floating poop to see if it's food.

No, those pants do not make you look fatter.
I mean, how could they?

You know what's really cool about women?
You can give them a wedgie from
the back or the front!

Shut up and reboot.

Life is short - eat dessert first!

Life is short.
Make fun of it.

Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's
a vague fishy odor, it could be any number of things.

I'd love to help you out.
Which way did you come in?

Nurse! More Suction!

Life is like a pretzel: salty, twisted, and better with beer.

Turns out there's two kinds of anal. And she's the wrong one.

Here's to ***** and gunpowder: One brings you into this world,
one takes you out, and I love the smell of both.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Engineering is the implementation of science; politics is the implementation of faith.

If you don't have video, that wasn't me.

You have to be smarter than the tools you work with.

Life is like a beautiful women - hold it close and kiss it deeply.
And when it turns ugly, head butt.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Note: No trees were killed in the posting of this reply,
but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

I had an Epiphany yesterday. But that may just be her stripper name.

Cruel and unusual punishments work better.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who need closure,

Spell checkers are for wumps.

Me so corny.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Women don't want to hear what you think.
They want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

Poto, ergo sum. (I drink, therefore I am.)

I may have Alzheimers but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

Don't hit kids.
No, seriously. They have guns now.

Silly is a state of mind,
stupid is a way of life.

There is no "I" in team,
but there are 4 in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

There is no "overkill". There is only
"open fire" and "I need to reload."

Jesus loves you - just not in that way.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than you are!

Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.

Top 10 Reasons To Procrastinate:
1.

Nuke An Unborn Black Gay Jewish Baby Whale For Jesus.
Did I miss offending anyone?

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive,
and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

My goal is to be the last man on earth,
just to see if all those women are lying to me.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

You can't lick the system, but you can
certainly give it a darn good fondling.

A cheap thrill is still a thrill.

Kids are like Slinkies- not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who!

America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful results, but that's not why we do it.

Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6 billion to one.

A good friend will come bail you out of jail,
but a true friend will be sitting
in the cell next to you saying
"That was ****ing awesome."

I like to make people think.
Mostly, I seem to make them think
"What the hell is WRONG with that guy?"

Love is in the air. And it keeps pooping on my head.

Cogito ergo nom.

Does this washcloth smell like chloroform to you?

Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.

It was on fire when I got here.

Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and elected.

I used to think I was nuts, then I met every woman I've ever dated.

When did "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice"
become "Whiny and Bitchy and Everything Itchy"?!

My body is NOT a temple. It's a stadium, filled with
hot dogs, nachos, and lots of beer.

I have a dream. But I change the sheets afterwards, so it's okay.

I gave my monkey a time out, but it didn't seem to help.
I'm going back to spanking.

Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons,
for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I love the women's movement. Especially from behind!

Change your mind; it's starting to smell.

The reason we're called "nice guys"
is *because* we take so long to finish!

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I hated my computer until it went down on me.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor

You were meant for me. Apparently as a punishment.

If everyone else gets a flu shot, you don't need one.

Why get even, when you can get odd?

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

One of us is thinking about sex.....OK, it's me.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

It's funny how personal preferences change with age.
For example, as a kid I really hated spankings.

Having seized the day, I have no idea where to put it!

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life,
I think I'd have to go with "my underpants".

It's hard to believe in God when certain people
are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my *own* pants.

So, that means that dishonesty is the second best policy?

You've been waiting for this day haven't you?

[Craig]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

Let me re-seal my dominance as World Champion in this area:

Turns out it's not really all-purpose flour!

If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my underwear.

Just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean you have to eat like one!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Politicians are from Uranus.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four,
five potato, six potato... damn!
Like, what are you, a friggin' potato whore?!?

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.

You could give a headache to a Tylenol.

Now holding auditions for an exciting new
multimedia project: the world's first nymphomercial

Stop Global Whining!

Even God is single. Get off my back.

God brought us together.
Prozac made us friends.

Gore vs. Bush.
That's not an election,
that's a movie choice.

They call it PMS because
Mad Cow Disease was taken.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Jesus died for our sins. It seems a shame
to cheapen that by not committing any.
Dibs on gluttony and lust!

Mean People Suck.
Nice People Swallow

Whenever you can, take the road less traveled. Fewer cops.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than
to live with that bitch for the rest of your life.

'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all.
--Brought to you by The Divorce Lawyers of America.

I've been using my computer for a while
now, but I still don't know: Where is
the "ass key" and what does it do?

Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit T. Frog

I have seen the future. It sucks.
- Nostradamus

Hey, Ladies - try me on for sighs...

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
This explains the fights over where to set the thermostat.

I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askmilgerated.

It must be puppy love, 'cause I don't even mind it
when she scoots her butt across my white shag carpet.

In my lifetime, I have been in top physical condition,
and I have been fat and sloppy. And I gotta say,
fat and sloppy is a whole lot easier to maintain.

As our 42nd President is fond of saying, Blow Me.

It's fun to meet a girl in the park.
It's more fun to park the meat in a girl!

It's not how deep you fish,
but how you wiggle your worm.

What's the big deal with "Doggie Style"?
I mean, sleeping all day is OK,
and I certainly don't mind licking myself,
but I'm just not into humping strangers' legs.

Jesus Is Coming!
(Everyone look busy!)

Doing my best to make Inspector Gadget look like
an Amish Elder in a power outage.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I said "no" to drugs.
They wouldn't take "no" for an answer!

I take Viagra, but just so I don't roll out of bed.

You're only as old as you feel.
Right now, I really need to feel a 20 year old...

If the past, present and future are all an illusion,
why am I still horny?

You're the reason I'm on medication.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

Living less "La Vida Loca"
than "La Vida Stroca".

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Politics: From the Latin "Poli" (many) and
"tics" (blood sucking parasites)

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Growing old is mandatory. :-(
Growing up is Optional! :-)

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

Men are animals.
But some of us make good pets.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

If We Quit Voting Would They All Go Away?

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Ahhh...I see the feck-up fairy has visited us again...

Vegetables are not food.
Vegetables are what food eats.

For Sale: Parachute. Only worn once.
Never Opened. Small Stain.

Genitals Certified Y2K Compliant.
(Ladies, sign up now to avoid service interruptions.)

What am I? Flypaper for psychos!?

Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes?

You! Off my planet!

I've found Jesus.
(He was behind the couch the whole time.)

With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Hung like Einstein, smart as a horse...

No man is an island, but every man has a peninsula.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Cheap, fast, and easy.
I guess I really am what I eat.

My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up,
but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet.

Always the hydrant, never the hound...

I've got a head cold. Phlegm at 11:00.

This is *not* the life I ordered!

Collect call from Earth. Will you accept the charges?

I'm like a bank: I'll maintain your interest
right up to the moment of withdrawal.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

If an idle mind is the Devil's workshop,
then you must be the Devil's Home Depot.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Beauty is only sin deep.

My two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Today's Oxymoron: Rap Music

Today's oxymoron: Marijuana Initiative.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Walking that fine line between positive self-esteem and pathetic self-delusion.

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends.
But you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch.

Putting the F-U in Funny...

I do not have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

No Man Is An Island.
(But tie a bunch of dead guys together,
and they make a pretty good raft.)

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I take my coffee like I take my women.
(And I'm getting *real* tired of $500 cups of coffee!)

I like my women like I like my coffee: bitter.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball-peen hammer.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Copywight 1997 Elmer Fudd.
All wights wesewved.

If Elvis were alive today, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.

On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.

I love my job, *and* my new medication.

Go ahead, piss me off.
I think there's room for one more body.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Curiosity? Nope. Got that particular cat with the lawnmower...

How come when women do it, it's "independence",
but when I do it, it's "fear of commitment"?

Sometimes you're the pigeon,
and sometimes you're the statue.

Sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes you're the bug.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before.

You! Out of the gene pool!

If you can hear them whining,
you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow

Give Pizza Chants.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind and body, I'm spending all my money.

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Half the people reading this are below average.

"Not tonight, dear, I have a modem..."

Just who is this Didley Squat guy,
and what's the big deal with me not knowing him?

http:\\www.doublejointed.kamasutra.com

http:\\kissmyass.com domain name is for sale. Inquire now.

http:\\Pull my Finger!

She-Male me at hermaphrodite.com

Wanted: Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead Or Alive.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.

Of course I'm a General.
(Wanna see my Privates?)

ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Who wants to help "Free Willy", if you know what I mean?

So excited, even my soft contacts are hard!

When cryptography is outlawed,
only outlaws jgwh hwhrula kalyq majgsatd.

When you meet Miss Right, make sure her first name isn't "Always"!!

So. Who wants to be the last straw?

Snatch A Kiss!
(Or vice versa...)

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

How do you know computer programmers are full of crap?
Everytime you ask them a question, they say "Depends".

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

I used to live for sex.
(Now I'd kill for some.)

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Sex is not the answer.
(Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.)

I'm not one of those geeks who's made a fortune on some kind of software. I'm just a geek.

Do crematoriums give discounts on burn victims?

Don't sweat the petty things.
(And don't pet the sweaty things.)

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often, and for pretty much the same reasons.

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy.
Other times I let her sleep in.

Money can't buy love.
(But it can rent a very close imitation.)

The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is that the porno film has better music.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I can only please one person a day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow does not look any better.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

My New Year's Resolution is: 1024x768

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don't use shampoo.
Insist on real poo.

Marriage Means Commitment.
(Of course, so does insanity.)

Let's be honest and spell it "egotesticle".

Cat. The Other White Meat.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has its limits.

Sacred Cows Make The Best Burgers.

Beauty Is In The Eye of the Beerholder.

Chaste Makes Waste.

Who is Hugh Goegurl and why do people keep yelling his name?

Eschew Obfuscation

Sex is a misdemeanor.
The more I miss it, the meaner I get !!

What's another word for thesaurus?

Who do atheists call out to during sex?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I love cats.
They taste like chicken.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?

If God had intended us to drink beer, he'd've given us stomachs.

To err is human. Major screw-ups require a computer.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

"Maybe it's in the basement.
I'll go upstairs and check." - M. C. Escher

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Backup not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?

You're only young once.
(But you can be immature forever!)

I love peace and quiet.
(Give me a piece and I'll be quiet.)

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest have to drown too?

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming like his passengers

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No Gut, No Glory

BREAKFAST.COM halted: Cereal port not responding.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Carpe Magnum

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...
why don't I just come back in a week?

I am *NOT* in denial!

Veni, Vidi, Visa.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Diplomacy: the art of saying "nice doggy" while you look for a rock.

Mary had a little lamb.
(And Mulder is determined to find out why.)

Go ahead and put the cart before the horse. (The view is better.)

If a man speaks in the forest,
and there's no woman to hear it,
is he still wrong?

Got change for a paradigm?

Help Wanted: Telepath.
(You know where to apply.)

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

What was the best thing *before* sliced bread?

Heisenberg might have been here.
(But not with Pauli.)

Do witches run spell checkers?

Not a computer expert, though I play one on-line.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Lead me not into temptation, for I can find it myself.

We have plenty of youth; what we need is a Fountain of Smart!

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object...

Yank me; crank me; but don't wake me up to thank me.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Remember the first time you made love?
(I do; I have the receipt.)

Coito ergo sum.

In Cyperspace, no one can smell your breath.

Why does Hawaii have Interstate highways?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence of the attempt.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

But soft, what code through yonder Windows breaks?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Thou shalt not steal!
(Unless, of course, thou art duly elected)

"More hay, Trigger?"
"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live in it.

Never hit a man when he's down.
(Kick him, it's easier.)

Never hit a man with glasses.
(Hit him with a rock.)

Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts!

What kind of idiot asks rhetorical questions?

Suffering from premature jack-o'-Lantern.

Assassins do it from behind.

Cupid is as Cupid does.

Rehab is for quitters

A dog is just a dog.
(Until he's got your privates in his jaws; then he's Mr. Dog.)

I'll rise, but I'll be damned if I'll shine.

Seize it and squeeze it.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

If corn oil comes from corn,
where does baby oil come from?

Shouldn't it be spelled 'funnetik'?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Women need a reason. Men just need a place.

Drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

File not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

It's not whether you win or lose,
it's whether *I* win or lose.

Make Love, Not War.
(Or get married and do both...)

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?

Life is an STD

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

What is tat, and where can I get two to trade?

Time is the best teacher.
(Unfortunately, it kills all its students.)

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Non Lessi Illegitimis Te Carborundum

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Shift to the left!
Shift to the right!
Push Stack! Pop Stack!
Byte! Byte! Byte!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Look out for #1.
Don't step in #2.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Conserve toilet paper: use both sides.

A day without sunshine is like....night!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound..

Time heals all wounds.
That's why the doctor makes you wait so long.

If I name my adult film studio "Palm Pictures",
will anyone know I'm referring to the tree?

Current Book Project: Crash Testing for Dummies.

Current Book Project: Ventriloquism for Dummies.

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

Dammit, I *am* in shape!
("Round" is a shape, isn't it?)

Every time I push the envelope,
I get a paper cut!

A day without orange juice is
like sex without handcuffs.

Beware of geeks bearing GIFs...

Birds of a feather flock together.
Then they crap on your car.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

How do I know when I'm good enough
at celibacy to stop practicing it?

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

I'm so tired I couldn't pull a wet string out of a sick cat's ass.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each
morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only
hit that snooze button so many times...

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life's a banquet. Eat me.

Life's short. Be sure to take
time to smell the panties.

Love means never having to say
"Does that twenty include the spanking?"

Relationships should come with those little black boxes that airplanes have.
That way, when they crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers.

Today's lesson: It's hard to meditate on methamphetamines

Vegetarian - from a latin word meaning "really bad hunter".

Feared by men, loved by women....
apparently, I'm a lesbian!

Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

Guns don't kill people.
Husbands who come home early kill people.

Donner, party of four, your table is ready.
Donner, party of three?
Donner, party of two, we have your table.
Mr Donner, would you like to sit at the bar?

For fast, temporary relief from
the symptoms of Nymphomania.

I live like I type: fast and with a lot of mistakes.

I made love in the rain,
and now I have thunderclap.

I've upped my standards. Up Yours!

If frogs had glass balls, they'd only hop once.

Moosehead: A tasty beer, and
a pretty good deal for the moose.

Most men would respect a woman's mind more
if it bounced gently as she walked.

My car is built for speed.
I, on the other hand, am built for comfort.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

There are two sides to every divorce:
yours and the castrating bitch's.

I can only assume the guy who named Viagra
didn't think of "Peniscillin" first.

There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it;
if it don't stink, don't stir it.

"Sex Drive" minus "Sex" equals "Drive"
Well, that explains the car obsession.

I've been diagnosed with Osteopornosis,
a degenerate's "bone" disease.

Remember the Chicago Driving 80/20 rule:
80% of your waving will be done with 20% of your fingers.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
25 acres of remote woodlands.
Now, what was your problem again?

Is a gay pirate a "swishbuckler"?
(No offense, Johnny Depp!)

Love is blind.
Lust has 20/10 vision.

It isn't premarital sex if you have
no intention of getting married.

History does not always repeat itself.
Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember
anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
--John W. Campbell

Why are all the devices searching
for intelligent life in the universe
pointed away from Earth?

Desperately Seeking Suction.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding on what to have for lunch.
Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote.
- Ben Franklin

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

To find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
(You might want to see a specialist.)

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

Sexism hurts everyone,
especially broads.

Next time you wonder if technology is a good thing,
just try sending hundreds of lame jokes and pornographic
pictures to friends via the U.S. Postal Service.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Physically pfffft.

Why do I keep meeting women who
put the "hot" in "psychotic"???

I need a lot less email
and a lot more female.

Always buckle your seat belt. It makes it harder
for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I hope that someday they'll come out with a
"Pornography for Dummies" book, because sometimes
I don't get the plot and the music seems weak.

When I think of all the people I respect the most,
you're right there, serving them drinks.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Jesus Loves You.
The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

If I wanted my raisins plump and juicy, I'd eat grapes.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Putting the "eek!" in "Geek!".

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I think it would be great to be a pet fish,
except for that part where they taste
their floating poop to see if it's food.

No, those pants do not make you look fatter.
I mean, how could they?

You know what's really cool about women?
You can give them a wedgie from
the back or the front!

Shut up and reboot.

Life is short - eat dessert first!

Life is short.
Make fun of it.

Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's
a vague fishy odor, it could be any number of things.

I'd love to help you out.
Which way did you come in?

Nurse! More Suction!

Life is like a pretzel: salty, twisted, and better with beer.

Turns out there's two kinds of anal. And she's the wrong one.

Here's to ***** and gunpowder: One brings you into this world,
one takes you out, and I love the smell of both.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Engineering is the implementation of science; politics is the implementation of faith.

If you don't have video, that wasn't me.

You have to be smarter than the tools you work with.

Life is like a beautiful women - hold it close and kiss it deeply.
And when it turns ugly, head butt.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Note: No trees were killed in the posting of this reply,
but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

I had an Epiphany yesterday. But that may just be her stripper name.

Cruel and unusual punishments work better.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who need closure,

Spell checkers are for wumps.

Me so corny.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Women don't want to hear what you think.
They want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

Poto, ergo sum. (I drink, therefore I am.)

I may have Alzheimers but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

Don't hit kids.
No, seriously. They have guns now.

Silly is a state of mind,
stupid is a way of life.

There is no "I" in team,
but there are 4 in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

There is no "overkill". There is only
"open fire" and "I need to reload."

Jesus loves you - just not in that way.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than you are!

Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.

Top 10 Reasons To Procrastinate:
1.

Nuke An Unborn Black Gay Jewish Baby Whale For Jesus.
Did I miss offending anyone?

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive,
and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

My goal is to be the last man on earth,
just to see if all those women are lying to me.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

You can't lick the system, but you can
certainly give it a darn good fondling.

A cheap thrill is still a thrill.

Kids are like Slinkies- not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who!

America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful results, but that's not why we do it.

Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6 billion to one.

A good friend will come bail you out of jail,
but a true friend will be sitting
in the cell next to you saying
"That was ****ing awesome."

I like to make people think.
Mostly, I seem to make them think
"What the hell is WRONG with that guy?"

Love is in the air. And it keeps pooping on my head.

Cogito ergo nom.

Does this washcloth smell like chloroform to you?

Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.

It was on fire when I got here.

Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and elected.

I used to think I was nuts, then I met every woman I've ever dated.

When did "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice"
become "Whiny and Bitchy and Everything Itchy"?!

My body is NOT a temple. It's a stadium, filled with
hot dogs, nachos, and lots of beer.

I have a dream. But I change the sheets afterwards, so it's okay.

I gave my monkey a time out, but it didn't seem to help.
I'm going back to spanking.

Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons,
for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I love the women's movement. Especially from behind!

Change your mind; it's starting to smell.

The reason we're called "nice guys"
is *because* we take so long to finish!

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I hated my computer until it went down on me.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor

You were meant for me. Apparently as a punishment.

If everyone else gets a flu shot, you don't need one.

Why get even, when you can get odd?

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

One of us is thinking about sex.....OK, it's me.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

It's funny how personal preferences change with age.
For example, as a kid I really hated spankings.

Having seized the day, I have no idea where to put it!

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life,
I think I'd have to go with "my underpants".

It's hard to believe in God when certain people
are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my *own* pants.

So, that means that dishonesty is the second best policy?

Cliffs..?

[Fasglas]

Originally Posted by*lspencer534*

Let me re-seal my dominance as World Champion in this area:

Turns out, etc., etc., etc.

[HellCat]

Quit quoting 20 pages of someone else's post just so you can respond with one or 2 words. We know what you're referring to.

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by Craig

Cliffs..?

You should take the time to read each one of them. There are some gems there!

[Bill]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

Let me re-seal my dominance as World Champion in this area:

Turns out it's not really all-purpose flour!

If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my underwear.

Just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean you have to eat like one!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Politicians are from Uranus.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four,
five potato, six potato... damn!
Like, what are you, a friggin' potato whore?!?

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.

You could give a headache to a Tylenol.

Now holding auditions for an exciting new
multimedia project: the world's first nymphomercial

Stop Global Whining!

Even God is single. Get off my back.

God brought us together.
Prozac made us friends.

Gore vs. Bush.
That's not an election,
that's a movie choice.

They call it PMS because
Mad Cow Disease was taken.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the
ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Jesus died for our sins. It seems a shame
to cheapen that by not committing any.
Dibs on gluttony and lust!

Mean People Suck.
Nice People Swallow

Whenever you can, take the road less traveled. Fewer cops.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than
to live with that bitch for the rest of your life.

'Tis better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all.
--Brought to you by The Divorce Lawyers of America.

I've been using my computer for a while
now, but I still don't know: Where is
the "ass key" and what does it do?

Time's fun when you're having flies. - Kermit T. Frog

I have seen the future. It sucks.
- Nostradamus

Hey, Ladies - try me on for sighs...

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
This explains the fights over where to set the thermostat.

I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askmilgerated.

It must be puppy love, 'cause I don't even mind it
when she scoots her butt across my white shag carpet.

In my lifetime, I have been in top physical condition,
and I have been fat and sloppy. And I gotta say,
fat and sloppy is a whole lot easier to maintain.

As our 42nd President is fond of saying, Blow Me.

It's fun to meet a girl in the park.
It's more fun to park the meat in a girl!

It's not how deep you fish,
but how you wiggle your worm.

What's the big deal with "Doggie Style"?
I mean, sleeping all day is OK,
and I certainly don't mind licking myself,
but I'm just not into humping strangers' legs.

Jesus Is Coming!
(Everyone look busy!)

Doing my best to make Inspector Gadget look like
an Amish Elder in a power outage.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I said "no" to drugs.
They wouldn't take "no" for an answer!

I take Viagra, but just so I don't roll out of bed.

You're only as old as you feel.
Right now, I really need to feel a 20 year old...

If the past, present and future are all an illusion,
why am I still horny?

You're the reason I'm on medication.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

Living less "La Vida Loca"
than "La Vida Stroca".

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Politics: From the Latin "Poli" (many) and
"tics" (blood sucking parasites)

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Growing old is mandatory. :-(
Growing up is Optional! :-)

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

Men are animals.
But some of us make good pets.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

If We Quit Voting Would They All Go Away?

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Ahhh...I see the feck-up fairy has visited us again...

Vegetables are not food.
Vegetables are what food eats.

For Sale: Parachute. Only worn once.
Never Opened. Small Stain.

Genitals Certified Y2K Compliant.
(Ladies, sign up now to avoid service interruptions.)

What am I? Flypaper for psychos!?

Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes?

You! Off my planet!

I've found Jesus.
(He was behind the couch the whole time.)

With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Hung like Einstein, smart as a horse...

No man is an island, but every man has a peninsula.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Cheap, fast, and easy.
I guess I really am what I eat.

My friends tell me that I refuse to grow up,
but I know they're just jealous because they don't have pajamas with feet.

Always the hydrant, never the hound...

I've got a head cold. Phlegm at 11:00.

This is *not* the life I ordered!

Collect call from Earth. Will you accept the charges?

I'm like a bank: I'll maintain your interest
right up to the moment of withdrawal.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

If an idle mind is the Devil's workshop,
then you must be the Devil's Home Depot.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Beauty is only sin deep.

My two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.

Today's Oxymoron: Rap Music

Today's oxymoron: Marijuana Initiative.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Walking that fine line between positive self-esteem and pathetic self-delusion.

You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends.
But you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch.

Putting the F-U in Funny...

I do not have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

No Man Is An Island.
(But tie a bunch of dead guys together,
and they make a pretty good raft.)

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I take my coffee like I take my women.
(And I'm getting *real* tired of $500 cups of coffee!)

I like my women like I like my coffee: bitter.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball-peen hammer.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Copywight 1997 Elmer Fudd.
All wights wesewved.

If Elvis were alive today, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.

On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.

I love my job, *and* my new medication.

Go ahead, piss me off.
I think there's room for one more body.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Curiosity? Nope. Got that particular cat with the lawnmower...

How come when women do it, it's "independence",
but when I do it, it's "fear of commitment"?

Sometimes you're the pigeon,
and sometimes you're the statue.

Sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes you're the bug.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before.

You! Out of the gene pool!

If you can hear them whining,
you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow

Give Pizza Chants.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind and body, I'm spending all my money.

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Half the people reading this are below average.

"Not tonight, dear, I have a modem..."

Just who is this Didley Squat guy,
and what's the big deal with me not knowing him?

http:\\www.doublejointed.kamasutra.com

http:\\kissmyass.com domain name is for sale. Inquire now.

http:\\Pull my Finger!

She-Male me at hermaphrodite.com

Wanted: Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead Or Alive.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.

Of course I'm a General.
(Wanna see my Privates?)

ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Who wants to help "Free Willy", if you know what I mean?

So excited, even my soft contacts are hard!

When cryptography is outlawed,
only outlaws jgwh hwhrula kalyq majgsatd.

When you meet Miss Right, make sure her first name isn't "Always"!!

So. Who wants to be the last straw?

Snatch A Kiss!
(Or vice versa...)

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

How do you know computer programmers are full of crap?
Everytime you ask them a question, they say "Depends".

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

I used to live for sex.
(Now I'd kill for some.)

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Sex is not the answer.
(Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.)

I'm not one of those geeks who's made a fortune on some kind of software. I'm just a geek.

Do crematoriums give discounts on burn victims?

Don't sweat the petty things.
(And don't pet the sweaty things.)

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often, and for pretty much the same reasons.

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy.
Other times I let her sleep in.

Money can't buy love.
(But it can rent a very close imitation.)

The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is that the porno film has better music.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I can only please one person a day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow does not look any better.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

My New Year's Resolution is: 1024x768

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don't use shampoo.
Insist on real poo.

Marriage Means Commitment.
(Of course, so does insanity.)

Let's be honest and spell it "egotesticle".

Cat. The Other White Meat.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has its limits.

Sacred Cows Make The Best Burgers.

Beauty Is In The Eye of the Beerholder.

Chaste Makes Waste.

Who is Hugh Goegurl and why do people keep yelling his name?

Eschew Obfuscation

Sex is a misdemeanor.
The more I miss it, the meaner I get !!

What's another word for thesaurus?

Who do atheists call out to during sex?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I love cats.
They taste like chicken.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?

If God had intended us to drink beer, he'd've given us stomachs.

To err is human. Major screw-ups require a computer.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

"Maybe it's in the basement.
I'll go upstairs and check." - M. C. Escher

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Backup not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?

You're only young once.
(But you can be immature forever!)

I love peace and quiet.
(Give me a piece and I'll be quiet.)

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,
do the rest have to drown too?

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Why is the word 'abbreviation' so long?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming like his passengers

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No Gut, No Glory

BREAKFAST.COM halted: Cereal port not responding.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Carpe Magnum

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...
why don't I just come back in a week?

I am *NOT* in denial!

Veni, Vidi, Visa.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Diplomacy: the art of saying "nice doggy" while you look for a rock.

Mary had a little lamb.
(And Mulder is determined to find out why.)

Go ahead and put the cart before the horse. (The view is better.)

If a man speaks in the forest,
and there's no woman to hear it,
is he still wrong?

Got change for a paradigm?

Help Wanted: Telepath.
(You know where to apply.)

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

What was the best thing *before* sliced bread?

Heisenberg might have been here.
(But not with Pauli.)

Do witches run spell checkers?

Not a computer expert, though I play one on-line.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Lead me not into temptation, for I can find it myself.

We have plenty of youth; what we need is a Fountain of Smart!

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object...

Yank me; crank me; but don't wake me up to thank me.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Remember the first time you made love?
(I do; I have the receipt.)

Coito ergo sum.

In Cyperspace, no one can smell your breath.

Why does Hawaii have Interstate highways?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence of the attempt.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

But soft, what code through yonder Windows breaks?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Thou shalt not steal!
(Unless, of course, thou art duly elected)

"More hay, Trigger?"
"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live in it.

Never hit a man when he's down.
(Kick him, it's easier.)

Never hit a man with glasses.
(Hit him with a rock.)

Dyslexics of the World: UNTIE!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts!

What kind of idiot asks rhetorical questions?

Suffering from premature jack-o'-Lantern.

Assassins do it from behind.

Cupid is as Cupid does.

Rehab is for quitters

A dog is just a dog.
(Until he's got your privates in his jaws; then he's Mr. Dog.)

I'll rise, but I'll be damned if I'll shine.

Seize it and squeeze it.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

If corn oil comes from corn,
where does baby oil come from?

Shouldn't it be spelled 'funnetik'?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Women need a reason. Men just need a place.

Drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

File not found. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

It's not whether you win or lose,
it's whether *I* win or lose.

Make Love, Not War.
(Or get married and do both...)

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?

Life is an STD

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

What is tat, and where can I get two to trade?

Time is the best teacher.
(Unfortunately, it kills all its students.)

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Non Lessi Illegitimis Te Carborundum

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Shift to the left!
Shift to the right!
Push Stack! Pop Stack!
Byte! Byte! Byte!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Look out for #1.
Don't step in #2.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Conserve toilet paper: use both sides.

A day without sunshine is like....night!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound..

Time heals all wounds.
That's why the doctor makes you wait so long.

If I name my adult film studio "Palm Pictures",
will anyone know I'm referring to the tree?

Current Book Project: Crash Testing for Dummies.

Current Book Project: Ventriloquism for Dummies.

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

Dammit, I *am* in shape!
("Round" is a shape, isn't it?)

Every time I push the envelope,
I get a paper cut!

A day without orange juice is
like sex without handcuffs.

Beware of geeks bearing GIFs...

Birds of a feather flock together.
Then they crap on your car.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

How do I know when I'm good enough
at celibacy to stop practicing it?

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".

I'm so tired I couldn't pull a wet string out of a sick cat's ass.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each
morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only
hit that snooze button so many times...

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life's a banquet. Eat me.

Life's short. Be sure to take
time to smell the panties.

Love means never having to say
"Does that twenty include the spanking?"

Relationships should come with those little black boxes that airplanes have.
That way, when they crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers.

Today's lesson: It's hard to meditate on methamphetamines

Vegetarian - from a latin word meaning "really bad hunter".

Feared by men, loved by women....
apparently, I'm a lesbian!

Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

Guns don't kill people.
Husbands who come home early kill people.

Donner, party of four, your table is ready.
Donner, party of three?
Donner, party of two, we have your table.
Mr Donner, would you like to sit at the bar?

For fast, temporary relief from
the symptoms of Nymphomania.

I live like I type: fast and with a lot of mistakes.

I made love in the rain,
and now I have thunderclap.

I've upped my standards. Up Yours!

If frogs had glass balls, they'd only hop once.

Moosehead: A tasty beer, and
a pretty good deal for the moose.

Most men would respect a woman's mind more
if it bounced gently as she walked.

My car is built for speed.
I, on the other hand, am built for comfort.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

There are two sides to every divorce:
yours and the castrating bitch's.

I can only assume the guy who named Viagra
didn't think of "Peniscillin" first.

There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 600SL.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it;
if it don't stink, don't stir it.

"Sex Drive" minus "Sex" equals "Drive"
Well, that explains the car obsession.

I've been diagnosed with Osteopornosis,
a degenerate's "bone" disease.

Remember the Chicago Driving 80/20 rule:
80% of your waving will be done with 20% of your fingers.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
25 acres of remote woodlands.
Now, what was your problem again?

Is a gay pirate a "swishbuckler"?
(No offense, Johnny Depp!)

Love is blind.
Lust has 20/10 vision.

It isn't premarital sex if you have
no intention of getting married.

History does not always repeat itself.
Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember
anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
--John W. Campbell

Why are all the devices searching
for intelligent life in the universe
pointed away from Earth?

Desperately Seeking Suction.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding on what to have for lunch.
Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote.
- Ben Franklin

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

To find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
(You might want to see a specialist.)

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

Sexism hurts everyone,
especially broads.

Next time you wonder if technology is a good thing,
just try sending hundreds of lame jokes and pornographic
pictures to friends via the U.S. Postal Service.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Physically pfffft.

Why do I keep meeting women who
put the "hot" in "psychotic"???

I need a lot less email
and a lot more female.

Always buckle your seat belt. It makes it harder
for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I hope that someday they'll come out with a
"Pornography for Dummies" book, because sometimes
I don't get the plot and the music seems weak.

When I think of all the people I respect the most,
you're right there, serving them drinks.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Jesus Loves You.
The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

If I wanted my raisins plump and juicy, I'd eat grapes.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Putting the "eek!" in "Geek!".

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I think it would be great to be a pet fish,
except for that part where they taste
their floating poop to see if it's food.

No, those pants do not make you look fatter.
I mean, how could they?

You know what's really cool about women?
You can give them a wedgie from
the back or the front!

Shut up and reboot.

Life is short - eat dessert first!

Life is short.
Make fun of it.

Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's
a vague fishy odor, it could be any number of things.

I'd love to help you out.
Which way did you come in?

Nurse! More Suction!

Life is like a pretzel: salty, twisted, and better with beer.

Turns out there's two kinds of anal. And she's the wrong one.

Here's to ***** and gunpowder: One brings you into this world,
one takes you out, and I love the smell of both.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Engineering is the implementation of science; politics is the implementation of faith.

If you don't have video, that wasn't me.

You have to be smarter than the tools you work with.

Life is like a beautiful women - hold it close and kiss it deeply.
And when it turns ugly, head butt.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Note: No trees were killed in the posting of this reply,
but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

I had an Epiphany yesterday. But that may just be her stripper name.

Cruel and unusual punishments work better.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who need closure,

Spell checkers are for wumps.

Me so corny.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Women don't want to hear what you think.
They want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

Poto, ergo sum. (I drink, therefore I am.)

I may have Alzheimers but at least I don't have Alzheimers.

Don't hit kids.
No, seriously. They have guns now.

Silly is a state of mind,
stupid is a way of life.

There is no "I" in team,
but there are 4 in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

There is no "overkill". There is only
"open fire" and "I need to reload."

Jesus loves you - just not in that way.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than you are!

Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.

Top 10 Reasons To Procrastinate:
1.

Nuke An Unborn Black Gay Jewish Baby Whale For Jesus.
Did I miss offending anyone?

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive,
and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

My goal is to be the last man on earth,
just to see if all those women are lying to me.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

You can't lick the system, but you can
certainly give it a darn good fondling.

A cheap thrill is still a thrill.

Kids are like Slinkies- not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up who!

America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful results, but that's not why we do it.

Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6 billion to one.

A good friend will come bail you out of jail,
but a true friend will be sitting
in the cell next to you saying
"That was ****ing awesome."

I like to make people think.
Mostly, I seem to make them think
"What the hell is WRONG with that guy?"

Love is in the air. And it keeps pooping on my head.

Cogito ergo nom.

Does this washcloth smell like chloroform to you?

Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.

It was on fire when I got here.

Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and elected.

I used to think I was nuts, then I met every woman I've ever dated.

When did "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice"
become "Whiny and Bitchy and Everything Itchy"?!

My body is NOT a temple. It's a stadium, filled with
hot dogs, nachos, and lots of beer.

I have a dream. But I change the sheets afterwards, so it's okay.

I gave my monkey a time out, but it didn't seem to help.
I'm going back to spanking.

Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons,
for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I love the women's movement. Especially from behind!

Change your mind; it's starting to smell.

The reason we're called "nice guys"
is *because* we take so long to finish!

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I hated my computer until it went down on me.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor

You were meant for me. Apparently as a punishment.

If everyone else gets a flu shot, you don't need one.

Why get even, when you can get odd?

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose.
Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

One of us is thinking about sex.....OK, it's me.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

It's funny how personal preferences change with age.
For example, as a kid I really hated spankings.

Having seized the day, I have no idea where to put it!

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life,
I think I'd have to go with "my underpants".

It's hard to believe in God when certain people
are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my *own* pants.

So, that means that dishonesty is the second best policy?

Page 2! Woohoo!


Edit: Oh. I see. Still page 1

Woohoo!

[DAB]

Originally Posted by HellCat

Quit quoting 20 pages of someone else's post just so you can respond with one or 2 words. We know what you're referring to.

Hall monitor.