I admit it. I'm weak. I'm a broken person

[Aerovette]

I may regret this on a public forum, but I need to get this out.

I'm lonely. I am missing my wife. I never wanted a divorce and I am not recovering from it. I have tried getting out with friends. I have tried keeping busy at work. I have taken on home projects. Had a couple parties, I have tried going out. Contacting old friends that I lost touch with. Spending time on the forums...anything. Today I sunk to the bottom. I invited her to get a cup of coffee tomorrow morning. She declined. I apologized for the short notice and said that I was open next weekend if that would be better. She declined.

I understand that perhaps we didn't make a good couple, but why do we have to have zero contact? Truly she was my best friend and I miss her desperately. I am tired of being heart broken and I'm tired of being lonely in a room full of people. I just want to talk to her.

I have this massive void and I can't fill it and I am not recovering. I have no prospects for dating because my standards far exceed my ability to attract. Add to that the fact that these feelings would run anyone off that even tried to enter my life. I have two people that were probably my only hope of possible recovery and they both deep friend zoned me for life so that's shot.

I am becoming financially fit but emotionally I am imploding. I thank God I am not suicidal or I am afraid I would have already done the deed. In spite of all of this, I love being alive. I love life even on the worst day. But that doesn't make it a good time.

It's no one's fault but mine and no one's responsibility but mine to get my shit together. I apparently lack the ability. I have not been without a significant other since 1982 and this is a foreign land to me. She left me an old used up man instead of leaving years ago when I had a freaking shot at recovery.

I just don't know what to do and my big boy pants are lost. I'm sliding into a pity party of epic proportions and I have officially invited you all to the party.

Any guidance is welcomed. Sarcasm and comedy are also greatly appreciated.

I foresee having this bone-yarded at some point, by right now I need feedback. Especially if you've been through it. I feel like a damn chick right now.

~Jeff

[FasterTraffic]

You, sir, need to dedicate extra time to finding your big boy pants. If she has burned that bridge for you, it's time to resolve yourself to that fact and spend your energies on better things. Find yourself a challenge; something you've always wanted to do. Don't yet play the guitar? Great time to start learning. Never been kayaking. Get thee a paddle. You get the picture. You're in charge of your own happiness and being a little bitch isn't productive.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by FasterTraffic

You, sir, need to dedicate extra time to finding your big boy pants. If she has burned that bridge for you, it's time to resolve yourself to that fact and spend your energies on better things. Find yourself a challenge; something you've always wanted to do. Don't yet play the guitar? Great time to start learning. Never been kayaking. Get thee a paddle. You get the picture. You're in charge of your own happiness and being a little bitch isn't productive.

I hear you. You are repeatinmg in fewer words, my original post. I am aware of the issue and aware of the path to a solution. I repeatedly fail.

I went down that path of new experiences briefly and the outcome was that I wanted her to be doing those things with me. WTF?

[DAB]

my life took an opposite track.

i was single until i was 39. found her, neighbor across the street, and we've been married for 16 years in July. treasure her everyday.

but for the years before then, i was lonely too. yeah, i had family around, but parents and sisters aren't the same thing.

so i worked. a lot. earned money. participated in church activities.

i have not been divorced, but Mrs. DAB has. she also lost her only daughter long before we got married.

man is she tough.

everyday, (this is according to her), you have to wake up and do something useful. work, volunteer, putter around the house, or just read a good book. you cannot just sit and drink and mope.

she was heartbroken when her daughter died. it wasn't something she had any control over. but life goes on.

i don't know your religious background, so i'm hesitant to suggest things along those lines presently.

getting back to me, i got out of college at 22, broke but i had a job. so that's about 17 years of being single. more than once i prayed that i'd be given a wife, if that's what God's plan for me was. it was a long wait.

i've never met you that i recall, but figuratively speaking, she is dead to you. i don't know why, maybe you are still trying to figure that out too. so thought experiment: if she had died instead of leaving, you'd still be without her. we are not promised tomorrow. so make the most of each day when it arrives.

[FasterTraffic]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I went down that path of new experiences briefly and the outcome was that I wanted her to be doing those things with me. WTF?

Whether it's someone who can't get through the day without getting drunk, or pining for a relationship that isn't coming back, it really comes down to your decision. We can give you all the great (or mediocre) advice in the world but, if you are committed to grinding yourself down, not much is going to change. Have you considered speaking to someone who's job description entails giving good advice*?



* Does not include bartenders or psychics.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by FasterTraffic

Whether it's someone who can't get through the day without getting drunk, or pining for a relationship that isn't coming back, it really comes down to your decision. We can give you all the great (or mediocre) advice in the world but, if you are committed to grinding yourself down, not much is going to change. Have you considered speaking to someone who's job description entails giving good advice*?



* Does not include bartenders or psychics.

I was going to therapy but quickly realized that I was putting up a facade there. I was pretending to be moving on, but not moving an inch. Also, they realy had little to offer. No "tools" just an ear.

I was single until 46 because I never found the right person to spend my life with. When I finally realized she was the one, I married...for LIFE. She did't.

[DAB]

we can blame "society" for the loss of commitment in marriage. but divorces have been happening for a long, long time in other, different societies.

we can blame the other person for not keeping solemn promises made before the whole world and God. but people have been breaking promises for a long, long time.

you cannot control what other people do. you can only control your reaction to them.

you can get mad at them and lash out, and that will just make them avoid you more and make you tired.

you can pray for them to change their mind, but if their heart is hardened against you, that will just wear you out.

so you have to reduce things to what YOU can do.

you can fill your days with busy things, some pointless, some productive, but they mostly don't fill your heart with calm and joy.

so what does one do?

(warning, religion coming up)

i draw strength from reading the story of Job. God let Satan afflict Job in all sorts of ways, Job got crummy advice from this friends (sound familiar?), and in the end, Job lost everything but his faith in God, and ultimately got everything back that he had lost times two. in Job's case, God put him thru trials, but Job didn't know why his life was a mess, but he never lost faith in God.

you can read the entire book of Job in an evening, and there are numerous online sources that can better explain it than i can.

[StaticCling]

I see a trip to the Philippines in your future...

[DAB]

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by chinaski

I see a trip to the Philippines in your future...

Results of such a thing have had wide and varied outcomes.

[NCC-1701]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I may regret this on a public forum, but I need to get this out.

I'm lonely. I am missing my wife. I never wanted a divorce and I am not recovering from it. I have tried getting out with friends. I have tried keeping busy at work. I have taken on home projects. Had a couple parties, I have tried going out. Contacting old friends that I lost touch with. Spending time on the forums...anything. Today I sunk to the bottom. I invited her to get a cup of coffee tomorrow morning. She declined. I apologized for the short notice and said that I was open next weekend if that would be better. She declined.

I understand that perhaps we didn't make a good couple, but why do we have to have zero contact? Truly she was my best friend and I miss her desperately. I am tired of being heart broken and I'm tired of being lonely in a room full of people. I just want to talk to her.

I have this massive void and I can't fill it and I am not recovering. I have no prospects for dating because my standards far exceed my ability to attract. Add to that the fact that these feelings would run anyone off that even tried to enter my life. I have two people that were probably my only hope of possible recovery and they both deep friend zoned me for life so that's shot.

I am becoming financially fit but emotionally I am imploding. I thank God I am not suicidal or I am afraid I would have already done the deed. In spite of all of this, I love being alive. I love life even on the worst day. But that doesn't make it a good time.

It's no one's fault but mine and no one's responsibility but mine to get my shit together. I apparently lack the ability. I have not been without a significant other since 1982 and this is a foreign land to me. She left me an old used up man instead of leaving years ago when I had a freaking shot at recovery.

I just don't know what to do and my big boy pants are lost. I'm sliding into a pity party of epic proportions and I have officially invited you all to the party.

Any guidance is welcomed. Sarcasm and comedy are also greatly appreciated.

I foresee having this bone-yarded at some point, by right now I need feedback. Especially if you've been through it. I feel like a damn chick right now.

~Jeff

Start posting here it will help you.



https://www.mgtow.com/forums/forum/introductions/

[Iron Chef]

I may make tons of enemies for this, and I really don’t care. I’m not terribly patient nor do I suffer fools easily.

I went through a nasty divorce. I went through sad periods. I was lonely. You know what I did? Got my ass offline and got into work, school, the gym, etc. I joined sports leagues, a car club or two. Took up golf. Went hiking locally. I went to see a counselor. Plenty of singles activities in every city. I was given a prescription for some short term meds to help my head shake off the cobwebs, allow me to sleep and get me through the day. In other words, I KEPT BUSY. Eight years later I’m on top of the world. I’m not dating anyone and you know what? I’m just fine with that. Because I am happy with ME.

You know what I didn’t do? Sat on a ****ing car forum and repeatedly whined about my bad luck and miserable life to the same 25 people. Nor did I make excuses as to why I won't like this person or why that counselor is useless. Today is Saturday. Why the hell are you here posting? I almost never log on during the weekends. I’m out doing things. You’re here every goddamn day. Look at my post history. My last 20 posts stretch back to December. Your last 20 posts go to back four days. What does that tell you?

And I have news for you...people might give you polite responses to be kind, but in their heads they’re saying “oh not this shit again.” As much as they may like you, people eventually stop feeling sorry for those whom they perceive aren’t doing enough to (or don’t want to) help themselves. There must be half a dozen threads you started about how miserable you are and what should you do. And we’ve all told you. And now another thread. Seriously??? Are you dying of cancer?? If you’re not, your problems are miniscule.

Your ex is gone. You know that. Not only do you know that, WE know that. 20 times over we know that. She doesn’t want to see you or hear from you. She doesn’t give a **** about you and you know what? She doesn’t have to. If I were her, I'd have gotten a restraining order on you by now. Seriously. And every time you make contact you look like a desperate fool. And you shouldn’t give a **** about her and you should be done too. Never, ever derive your happiness from someone else. Happiness comes from within. Others only augment it. If you’re unhappy by yourself, you’ll be unhappy with someone else. It’ll just be sugar coated. If I was married to someone and I looked like a card-carrying vagina, I’d expect them to leave too. Did it ever occur to you that possibly one of the reasons your ex left is because she didn’t like who YOU were?

No apologies from me. I'm off to the gym to work out for a few hours. You know what you need to do. Grow a set and go do it.

[NCC-1701]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I was going to therapy but quickly realized that I was putting up a facade there. I was pretending to be moving on, but not moving an inch. Also, they realy had little to offer. No "tools" just an ear.

I was single until 46 because I never found the right person to spend my life with. When I finally realized she was the one, I married...for LIFE. She did't.

you can't pretend on moving on you can't fake out your mind. You will move on once she is out of your heart until then keep yourself occupied and try not to think of her or your past with her.

[Millenium Vette]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I was going to therapy but quickly realized that I was putting up a facade there. I was pretending to be moving on, but not moving an inch. Also, they realy had little to offer. No "tools" just an ear.

I was single until 46 because I never found the right person to spend my life with. When I finally realized she was the one, I married...for LIFE. She did't.

Do you want to move on? No need to answer here, it's more a question you should ask yourself. Be honest to yourself about it.

Try another therapist. The first one (or several) doesn't always work. Don't give up. And give yourself a chance. It's still early in the healing process. You are way ahead of where you think you are by realizing and admitting you were putting up a facade to the therapist. Be as candid with the next one as you have been in this thread.

[NCC-1701]

Originally Posted by Iron Chef

I may make tons of enemies for this, and I really don’t care. I’m not terribly patient nor do I suffer fools easily.

I went through a nasty divorce. I went through sad periods. I was lonely. You know what I did? Got my ass offline and got into work, school, the gym, etc. I joined sports leagues, a car club or two. Took up golf. Went hiking locally. I went to see a counselor. Plenty of singles activities in every city. I was given a prescription for some short term meds to help my head shake off the cobwebs, allow me to sleep and get me through the day. In other words, I KEPT BUSY. Eight years later I’m on top of the world. I’m not dating anyone and you know what? I’m just fine with that. Because I am happy with ME.

You know what I didn’t do? Sat on a ****ing car forum and repeatedly whined about my bad luck and miserable life to the same 25 people. Nor did I make excuses as to why I won't like this person or why that counselor is useless. Today is Saturday. Why the hell are you here posting? I almost never log on during the weekends. I’m out doing things. You’re here every goddamn day. Look at my post history. My last 20 posts stretch back to December. Your last 20 posts go to back four days. What does that tell you?

And I have news for you...people might give you polite responses to be kind, but in their heads they’re saying “oh not this shit again.” As much as they may like you, people eventually stop feeling sorry for those whom they perceive aren’t doing enough to (or don’t want to) help themselves. There must be half a dozen threads you started about how miserable you are and what should you do. And we’ve all told you. And now another thread. Seriously??? Are you dying of cancer?? If you’re not, your problems are miniscule.

Your ex is gone. You know that. Not only do you know that, WE know that. 20 times over we know that. She doesn’t want to see you or hear from you. She doesn’t give a **** about you and you know what? She doesn’t have to. If I were her, I'd have gotten a restraining order on you by now. Seriously. And every time you make contact you look like a desperate fool. And you shouldn’t give a **** about her and you should be done too. Never, ever derive your happiness from someone else. Happiness comes from within. Others only augment it. If you’re unhappy by yourself, you’ll be unhappy with someone else. It’ll just be sugar coated. If I was married to someone and I looked like a card-carrying vagina, I’d expect them to leave too. Did it ever occur to you that possibly one of the reasons your ex left is because she didn’t like who YOU were?

No apologies from me. I'm off to the gym to work out for a few hours. You know what you need to do. Grow a set and go do it.

This is harsh but there is truth in there especially his first paragraph.

[JRD77VET]

Originally Posted by NCC-1701

This is harsh but there is truth in there especially his first paragraph.

Blunt and directly to the point. Iron Chef nailed it.

Begging and groveling didn't change her mind before and it won't afterwards either. Plus, if she dropped you once like like a hot potato, why wouldn't she do it again?

Make your own happiness. Hike, build bamboo fishing rods, learn to weld, learn to play an instrument, race RC cars , go bowling. Find something you gives you satisfaction.

I wish you well as does most everyone here ( all except that one guy ) But it comes down to you.

Good luck and you will succeed. It may take months to find "it" but if you look, you will find it.

Jeff

[StaticCling]

Originally Posted by DAB

My post don’t seem so bad now ‘eh?

[StaticCling]

What exactly were you trying to accomplish by contacting your ex-wife? She dumped you dude, and no amount of 'talking' is going to rectify the issues between you two at this point. If it was for some kind of hope of a booty call, seriously there are other options. Like your hand.

You are fighting something that should be embraced. It's like a Chinese Finger Puzzle.

No sense moping around on Vette Barn where people are offended by a drawing of an alien penis.

[VatorMan]

IC nails it. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Look yourself in a mirror and find what you love about being you.

[Black94lt1]

I can’t add a whole lot over what has already been said but I will agree that you have to find something that makes you happy and pursue that. I lost my best friend just over two years ago and while it has been hard for me, his widow has understandably struggled greatly. I talk to her often and she is doing just that, pursuing something that brings joy to her life. In her case this is helping out at the food pantry. She has tried therapy and as others have said it sometimes takes a couple of tries before you find the right therapist.

The important part to remember is you’re a good person, much better than your ex.