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Old 06-12-2015, 7:26am   #1
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Default It's FRIDAY, got any laughs for me?

....cause I'm a grumpy old curmudgeon and need a giggle or two! I'll start by this road kill special.....


FOUND A DEAD CAT

A Junior School pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”




NEW EMPLOYEE

the manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

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Old 06-12-2015, 7:46am   #2
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f...........!! wife"!






A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant.
An absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table and gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she will she him later.

The wife glares at her husband and demands "who was that?"
"Oh" replies the husband. "that is my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw. I have had enough. I want a divorce" says the wife.

"I can understand that" replies her husband, "but just remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more sports car in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then a colleague of the husband's enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who is that woman with Matt?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress" says her husband.
"Ours is prettier" she replies






Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler one nun said to the other, " Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the check-out."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our convent we call it catholic shampoo."

Without batting an eye the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said:
"The curlers are on the house."


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Old 06-12-2015, 9:34am   #3
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NEVER SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON . . . by Will Rogers

Never squat with your spurs on . . . Will Rogers , who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment .

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came a long and shot him.

The moral : When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...


1st - Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2nd - The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3rd - Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth - When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth - You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth - I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth - One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth - Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable? -------but gets lonely at times, one slowly loses their friends(Billy, Charlie, Ronnie)…

Tenth - Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Happy Trails


Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 06-12-2015 at 11:01am.
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Old 06-12-2015, 9:42am   #4
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A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call
on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs ,

"That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!".

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the
father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .

So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened ? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, " ... Had him circumcised


...
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Old 06-12-2015, 9:58am   #5
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Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The panties were half off.



A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''



A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
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Old 06-12-2015, 10:58am   #6
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Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,


"Well, how did you do?"

" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.


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Old 06-12-2015, 11:08am   #7
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:10am   #8
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:11am   #9
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:12am   #10
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A couple are out on safari taking in all the wild animals when they spot a cheetah chasing a small antelope. The wife says "if the antelope survives this I'll give you a blow job every day for the rest of your life.......take a look at what happened...
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:17am   #11
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:27am   #12
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:29am   #13
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At the store where I work, a lady was trying to return some of her teenage daughter's underwear that didn't fit properly. We have a strict "no underwear returns" policy...
Normally.

***

Our daughter had been missing for several hours and my wife was starting to become frantic.

We called the police and they began to organize a search of the surrounding area.
The police sergeant told us they were bringing in a sniffer dog to help.

"Do you have a sample of her clothes?" asked the officer. So, I handed him a pair of my daughter's panties.
He sniffed at the underwear and began slobbering, excited by the scent.

"But, officer," I said, "shouldn't we wait for the dog to arrive."
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Old 06-12-2015, 11:50am   #14
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:10pm   #15
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During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, About 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes

I avoided standing on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer"!!!


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Old 06-12-2015, 12:12pm   #16
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Car Talk for Fathers of Daughters

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!”




Shortest Prostate Exam Ever!!!‏

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, Where should I put my pants?"

"Over there by mine" was not the answer I was looking for.
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:18pm   #17
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Don't mess with Mother Nature!

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.

... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF!. she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"


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Old 06-12-2015, 12:43pm   #18
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Old 06-12-2015, 1:09pm   #19
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I have to work tonight and tomorrow night....laugh it up!
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Old 06-12-2015, 1:10pm   #20
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