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Old 06-26-2011, 12:08pm   #21
Kevin_73
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He was as scared as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

She was as confused as a blind lesbian in a tuna factory.

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Old 06-26-2011, 12:11pm   #22
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He was as scared as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

She was as confused as a blind lesbian in a tuna factory.

As confused as a baby at a tittie bar.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:19pm   #23
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'bout as dangerous as wipin' your butt with a broke beer bottle..

As quiet as Chick-Fil-a on a Sunday afternoon..

...sandpaper a bobcat's behind in a telephone booth...

Full as a tick in a blood bank.

And my all-time favorite:

"The world don't want to hear about the labor pains, they just want to see the baby."
Johnny Sain
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:20pm   #24
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Here are a couple more of my own crazy things. To fully understand you had to be there, but they can work.

“If they wanted it done right, why did they hire me?”

''I’m a fast learner, show me something 15-16 times I catch right on''!
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:44pm   #25
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Cuter than socks on a rooster.
Off like a sundress in a hurricane.
Off like a prom dress.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:50pm   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Pervey View Post
Well, shit the bed!!
Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have the less shit you have to eat.


We would say "Well shit the bed!..Daddy's a native!!

Slicker than a chrome turd....
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:53pm   #27
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Hard as Michael Jackson at an all boy preschool.

Well grease me up and make me squeal like Al Gore on a Sunday.

Cuter than a nun's bunghole on Christmas.

(Thrakk made these up but claims zero responsibility)
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:56pm   #28
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Hotter than two fat rats f'n in a wool sock.
Higher than giraffe p*ssy.
Her ass is two ax handles wide.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:59pm   #29
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Busier than a two peckered billy goat.
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Old 06-26-2011, 1:14pm   #30
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I think she likes it in the ear...

Every time I try to stick it in her mouth...

She turns her head...


(Island14)
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Old 06-26-2011, 2:15pm   #31
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"she ain't got enough ass to keep the ***** off the sheets."

"well fuk me running."

"damn her teeth look like she has been nawing on a crab trap."

"she looks like a busted can of biscuits"

"she could suck sand out of concrete."
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Old 06-26-2011, 2:18pm   #32
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Just make sure you have your shit straight when you jump off your horse and blow your whistle.

Harder than herding crickets on horseback.

Like trying to stuff spaghetti up a tiger's ass

Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty but the pig likes it.
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Old 06-26-2011, 2:22pm   #33
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Like trying to herd cats
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Old 06-26-2011, 2:50pm   #34
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....my asshole was so tight you couldn't drive a flax seed up it with a sledge hammer...

She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down...

Her ass was so big that if you told her to haul ass it would take two trips.

Here's a really old one... her ass looks like Buck Jones horse.

She's so buck toothed she could eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence.
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Old 06-26-2011, 2:54pm   #35
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Don't worry about the mule bein' blind, just load the wagon - John Madden
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Old 06-26-2011, 3:02pm   #36
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"You can shit and slide in it..." (piss off basically)

in the winter time, I always say I hope it snows "asshole deep to a 10 ft indian".

That's about the only unusual ones I have.
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Old 06-26-2011, 3:13pm   #37
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Why would I lie if it wasn't true!

Good looking girl except for that gun in her mouth.
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Old 06-26-2011, 3:17pm   #38
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Why would I lie if it wasn't true!

Good looking girl except for that gun in her mouth.
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:00pm   #39
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Happier than a three petered puppy
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:25pm   #40
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Dayum.........I bet she could suck start a 747

Uglier than a busted blister.

More nervous than a blind queer at a weinie roast.

Sweatin' like a whore in church.

I got tattoos all over my arms and none of 'em say stupid.

Mess with me, I'll cut your face off and wipe my ass with it.

I'm the nicest guy in the world. Until I've been provoked. Then you shall see Satan personified.

Well, feck me freddie.

That damn nut was tighter than a stuck booger.

That damn thing is tighter than a gnats ass stretched across a rain barrel.

Damn, her ass is 2 axe handles and a snuff box wide.

I wouldn't piss on his teeth if his tonsils were on fire.

I got yer hope and change riiiiight heeeere, pal.

If stupidity were corn flakes, you'd be Tony the Tiger.

Yes, I'm drunk. Do you really think I'd bother talking to you were I sober?

Shot at and missed, shit on and hit.

Stop jawin' and start pourin,' you monkey. I'll be damned if I have a sober bartender to tell me when I've had enough.

Grinnin' like a jackass eatin briars through a barbed wire fence.

Stunk bad enough to give a hyena the dry heaves.

Stunk worse than a skunk puking up dead fish.

Thats more fecked up than a football bat.

And many, many more.
Especially when I've been drinking.
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