Divorce...

[Black94lt1]

Sorry to hear, but it sounds like you have thought this through and know it is the best option. Hang in there, things will get better.

[Norm]

After 17 years, two children, first marriage went kaput. Lot of life's lessons learned. Second go around, oh so much better.

Chin up.

[BADRACR1]

Been there, done that. I knew my first one was coming for a while. You will survive it. It will at times be a relief. At others crushingly lonely.
Best advice I can give you is stay busy and most important is be there for the kids. They may not show it but it will change everything they know of their world. My kids were ten and eight. Luckily my ex worked with me and we shared custody a week at a time. It wasn't their normal life but at least it did give them stability.

I really hate to hear this for you, man. But you will survive. Maybe even prosper. I did.

[Aerovette]

I didn't think I'd make it when my wife left a few months back.

I'm making it.



If you need an ear, I've got two. I can PM you my number.

[Iron Chef]

Originally Posted by JRD77VET

When I went thru my divorce, I went thru the entire range of emotions.

Turned out the divorce was one of the best things that happened. ( we didn't have kids )

I went through only one emotion: Relief.

[island14]

If this is what you want.. Congrats James..

Sorry for your kids though.. and hope you will still be able to spend plenty of time with them.

How old are they?

[RedLS1GTO]

Sorry to hear this man.

You may still have the number if you need an ear, 24/7. If not, I'll gladly give it to you again.

[69camfrk]

Originally Posted by Chuck A

sorry to hear, how many years are you married?

23 years...

[69camfrk]

Originally Posted by island14

If this is what you want.. Congrats James..

Sorry for your kids though.. and hope you will still be able to spend plenty of time with them.

How old are they?

15 and 11 and both have birthdays coming up.

[69camfrk]

Originally Posted by Iron Chef

I went through only one emotion: Relief.

Chef, that's pretty much where I'm headed. Just be glad when it's over. I do hate it for my children though, but there has been a lot of tension between their mother and myself for way too long. I never thought it would happen, but I just couldn't take another minute of it. Everyone will be better off in the long run I think.

[Mike Mercury]

Originally Posted by Barn Babe

I wanted the divorce from my first husband, but it was still rough.

yep; even for those wanting it... it is not a pleasant experience.

What makes it more difficult is that you have to play "dirty" - with a good attorney - just to be certain you don't get screwed in the end.

Word to the wise: never use the same lawyer.

[Olustee bus]

God, I hated mine at the time. After the hurt, scare, and later hate (actually a strong dislike) I noticed that maybe it was not gonna be so bad. I started dating those who I respected and things got way, way better.

Make yourself a promise that you will build a better life than you had and will include your children in it also. You will succeed.

[Giraffe (He/Him)]

Unsolicited advice from the peanut gallery;

Divorce sucks hairy prune-like ball sacks. It's easy to get vindictive because your entire world as you know it is coming to an end. Don't do anything you'll regret just because you're pissed off right now. Ten years from now you don't wanna look in the mirror and dislike what you see because of something you did or said.

That's all I have for advice.

[8Up]

Damn dude, sorry to hear but it sounds like you tried to make it work. 23 years is a long time. Ill keep you in my prayers and know it will get better.

[Chuck A]

Originally Posted by 69camfrk

23 years...

ouch you definitely put in your time

[dwjz06]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I didn't think I'd make it when my wife left a few months back.

I'm making it.



If you need an ear, I've got two. I can PM you my number.

Good to hear Jeff.

[Iron Chef]

Originally Posted by 69camfrk

Chef, that's pretty much where I'm headed. Just be glad when it's over. I do hate it for my children though, but there has been a lot of tension between their mother and myself for way too long. I never thought it would happen, but I just couldn't take another minute of it. Everyone will be better off in the long run I think.

Long story short, both kids wound up living with me which is the way I wanted it. My daughter was 18 and she could choose to live where she wanted. My son was 15 and as the kids get older, their desires are given more weight by the courts. My ex, her family and friends made some feeble attempts to involve the kids in our dispute and turn them on me, which the kids themselves usually shut down immediately. As a result, the three of us are extremely close. They are both very happy, well adjusted, independent adults. Both have gone to college, son is an Eagle Scout, etc. The relationship they have with their mother now could be described as tenuous at best, and sadly, it's her own fault.

Even my children agree that getting a divorce was one of the smarter things I've ever done.

I always say that a public forum is the wrong place to go to get advice, and this is no exception...but if I may be so bold: Your kids will be fine as long as you and your wife make up your minds from the start to keep things civil with regards to them no matter what, and always keep their best interests at the forefront. I would also strongly advise against taking a job that puts you far away from your kids unless it is absolutely unavoidable. They need to see you at football games, dance recitals and other events and celebrations. Part of making sure they get through this ok is making sure they understand that their dad will be there for them in a physical sense as well as an emotional one.

And one more thing: Get the best lawyer you can afford...maybe even one you can't afford. It will pay off in the long run.

I wish you the best.

[erickpl]

My first marriage was a complete mistake, and knew it going in, but felt trapped and that it was what I needed to do (LONG story).

No kids fortunately, but that lesson taught me about what I will and won't tolerate in a relationship. My wife's first marriage was the same (though she had kids involved with it).

We don't let each other now get away with that stupid crap that causes problems and it has been great nearly all of the time (no relationship is perfect). So, just know that things can and will get better. Use this first marriage to reflect on what is important to you in a relationship and know what you won't tolerate later.

As has been said, being civil is tough. VERY tough. But you have kids involved, and it is in THEIR best interest that you take the high road and be civil about everything. I don't mean cave to everything demanded of you, but be positive, professional, and above board.

When it is all said and done, you two do NOT have to love or like each other, but for the kids' sake, you should at least respect each other. That will be hard to do if you're in the mud throwing names, insults, barbs, jabs, accusations, etc.

No matter what, you will always be their dad and she will always be their mom, so for better or worse, you guys will be tied together because of the kids. If you work it right, you can be friends (or at least friendly) with each other, and show the kids how to be mature and an adult in the toughest of times.

It's hard to see the good through the bad right now, I'm sure, but look at the lessons that can HELP the kids in the future and perspective will dramatically shift.

Best of luck with all of this and I hope that things go smoothly for all parties involved.

[simpleman68]

Sorry to hear that James. I wasn't married to my first daughter's mother but I know when we separated it was hell on wheels for several years.

Felt like I was in a deep fukkin' hole and she did all she could to throw dirt in on top of me.
I played fair and did what I said I was going to do and it worked in my case although most guys I know weren't that lucky and got screwed up, down and sideways.

She actually stopped by a few years back and thanked me for being a man of my word even when she was wicked and vindictive.

We'll have to grab a cold one someday when I get to your neck of the woods. Still bummed we didn't catch up at my SIL retirement in Charleston.
Scott

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by 69camfrk

15 and 11 and both have birthdays coming up.

Kids are both smart and resilient. They feel the tension I'm sure and your ability to focus on them actually improves when you are not distracted by turmoil.