Goodbye Linda.

[DAB]

Originally Posted by 09CTSV

My Mom passed away in 1967, I was 5 years old. As I got along in life, certain milestones I felt she was there guiding me along the right path and helping me make life decisions.
There is a warmness in my heart when I think of her and can feel her presence in my life.
At times I feel she talks with me and keeps me out of the ditch and on the straight and narrow.

today's chores, which she normally would have done were watering indoor plants, and some light dusting. i never watered plants, rarely dusted. trying to keep the place looking decent.

we got about 3/4" of rain earlier, nicely added a bunch of water to the rain water tanks! i'll use that water first, before getting back to hauling water. save some gas and some money.

you're a year older than me.

[DAB]

one last stupid story:

so i'm trying to sleep at 5am today, and my phone pings, incoming text message.....ugh, this better be important. look at it. sigh.....it's a text from the funeral home, asking me to take a survey on how they did whatever they did.....at 5am.

gentlemen, this could wait until 9am when i'm pretty sure to be awake and alert.....

and then at 6am, my smoke detector in Linda's office goes off. this was brand new about a month ago. no sweat, swap it with a spare i picked up....it goes off too a few minutes later. both defective, with sealed 10 year batteries. i'll get a replacement later.

may as well get up and begin my day.

[erickpl]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I'd love to have this dream. I'm so worried for my dad and hope if there is an afterlife, it is everything he would want.

My mom's passing in hospice was tough back in 2018. The day she passed, she had a LOT of fluid buildup on her lungs (metastatic breast cancer had spread through her body and various infections were wreaking havoc). At one point she sat up having a hard time breathing and her eyes were as wide as saucers. She couldn't breathe.

She always had a fear of water and drowning. We sat her up and leaned her forward so the fluids would drain a bit. She finally relaxed when we told her we have her and helped her breathe more comfortably. About 6 hours later she passed with us around her holding her. But after that incident, she seemed like she had checked out - her eyes were so distant and she was essentially non-responsive.

That night, or early the next morning, I woke up. Mom was sitting on the corner of the bed nearest me (wife was next to me) in her morning robe. I could even feel her weight pressing down on the sheets so I couldn't move my feet easily. But we talked. She thanked me for helping her sit up and breathe better. I asked if she was scared and she said she was - until we were there holding her and helping her. At that point she knew her body would be okay, so she left and was able to watch us until the end.

She told me not to worry. Not to be upset. Her journey was just starting, but she'll be there with us until we can be with her.

I woke up crying as I told me wife about this.

After seeing how distraught my dad was, my wife urged me to tell him what I encountered. I don't know if it was a dream, a ghost, or just my wanting to think she didn't suffer, but it was as real as anything I've experienced or seen in life. It gave him peace and HE finally broke down when I told him this, so I think it was cathartic for him.

My sisters were upset about it - wondering why they didn't see her. While I have a faith and consider myself spiritual, I'm also open to possibilities far beyond that while they can both be rather close-minded.

But I, too, think that dreams are a gateway for our loved ones to visit us.

[DAB]

i am happy that this thread has allowed others to tell their related stories.

[DAB]

it's been about 20 days since I last posted in this thread..... was reminded this past weekend by the calendar that last saturday was 2 months since i took Linda to the ER, and she never came home from that visit. seems like less time.

still miss her, every day.

i get by, every day, try to keep things in order, keep myself in good shape (not too much junk food, bad for my heart). the gardens are mostly surviving, but the weeds will require some attention later this fall when they all turn brown....or in the spring.

anyway, thanks for stopping by. carry on.

[Olustee bus]

And you continue to carry on Doug. We here are all pulling for ya.

[dwjz06]

Originally Posted by DAB

it's been about 20 days since I last posted in this thread..... was reminded this past weekend by the calendar that last saturday was 2 months since i took Linda to the ER, and she never came home from that visit. seems like less time.

still miss her, every day.

i get by, every day, try to keep things in order, keep myself in good shape (not too much junk food, bad for my heart). the gardens are mostly surviving, but the weeds will require some attention later this fall when they all turn brown....or in the spring.

anyway, thanks for stopping by. carry on.

Hope you are doing well Doug. Find your new routine. Maybe shoot some more. Feel free to reach out if you want to chat. I am sure that goes for many on here.

[04 commemorative]

agreed

[MikeB]

This thread brings tears to my eyes.

Very hard to watch a loved one die.

[DAB]

Perhaps this will help someone down the road:

Over the last many weeks, I have ordered and read thru about a dozen books on grief, grieving, loss, and being a widower. In large part, they were all unhelpful.

They tell tales of other's losses and how they reacted, they explain the 5 stages of grief, and how if you work thru them, somehow you'll be "better" and perhaps get a gold star at the end on your report card.

Just dreck.

But finally, I ordered one book that has really helped:

"It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand", by Megan Divine.

easily found on Amazon.

In this book, she explains that we treat grief as a sickness, a malady, as something to be cured and gotten rid of. And that's the wrong approach.

Before you fell in love with your spouse (mostly wives here), you acted and felt differently than after you fell in love. And quite likely, those who knew you well could tell that something had changed in your approach to life. Maybe you had a bigger pep in your step, you showed others that you were happier now. But it made a difference that was noticeable.

And everyone was happy, and it culminated with your wedding day when everyone was very happy that you had found your wife and were now married and would pursue life together. No one said "hey Dave, you seem way too happy, better back that off a bit and get back to your 'normal' mode".

No, society is glad when you are glad.

But then the years go by, stuff happens, and one day, she is gone. And you are very sad. No longer the happy you from the past, but now the sad you of today.

That's grief.

Grief is showing the world that you are sad because you lost someone you loved.

It is not a condition that requires treatment, or medication, or some process from some 'expert'. It is what you are. And some days it is more noticeable than other days.

What the grieving person wants and needs is understanding, support. Maybe you can bring them a meal, or wash their car, or take care of some mundane task that they just don't have the physical or mental energy to do right now. Or perhaps you can just sit with them and listen. Don't offer platitudes, just listen. The grieving person may or may not talk, and that's ok. Maybe put on a pot of coffee or tea, or pour a glass of nice cold water, but just listen.

They have lost the person they used to talk to all the time. About everything, and now that person is gone, and there is a hole in their life.

Thanks for listening. Go hug and kiss your wife with a big, strong embrace and give her a big, sloppy kiss. Someday, you won't be able to do that anymore.

[Aerovette]

I've collected a lot of meme's that apply. Some I have shared with my mom, some I won't because they'll cause pain. I want her to be better. I want you to be better. I want to be better. Thing is, we are not in control of what "better" is, or whether it comes at all. We just ride the ride and recalibrate.

[DAB]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I've collected a lot of meme's that apply. Some I have shared with my mom, some I won't because they'll cause pain. I want her to be better. I want you to be better. I want to be better. Thing is, we are not in control of what "better" is, or whether it comes at all. We just ride the ride and recalibrate.

that's pretty close to what the book explains.

you are different now. not better, not worse, just different. and that's ok.

[DAB]

Finally went thru the rest of her wallet this AM, pulled all the cards and stuff out, clipped all together and set aside (some stuff, like credit cards are still valid). Fished out the last of the coins, they'll join my loose change stash and get spent over time.

Got new flannel sheets put on today, getting colder.

I really miss curling up with her every night, my job was to keep her warm.

[DAB]

It's been 2 months today since Linda passed.

Still miss her everyday.

See my lawyer tomorrow to finalize my new estate documents (sorry, no one here is named as a beneficiary). The vast bulk is going to charity to support the proclamation of the Gospel of God.

[Big bob]

It has been almost three years for me. They say it gets better they are wrong.

[DAB]

Originally Posted by Big bob

It has been almost three years for me. They say it gets better they are wrong.

Indeed "they" are. they have read books, taken exams, written papers, gotten fancy damn degrees, been licensed to give advice.....but until they experience real grief, they are largely useless.



yeah, i wake up every day, do my stuff, but it's not the same or better - it's just different, in a sucky kind of way.

[Big bob]

Real love never dies.

[PLRX]

It looks like she was a keeper; sorry for your loss Doug.

PLRX

[DAB]

Originally Posted by PLRX

It looks like she was a keeper; sorry for your loss Doug.

PLRX

thanks.

saw my lawyer today, got all my new estate documents completed and signed.

something i had no intention of doing anytime soon until recently.....

[DAB]

After much thought and prayer, I have decided that our remains will be buried next to my parents remains in Cody, WY, and have selected a plot, fully paid for it, and will get a marker stone designed and set in place in the coming weeks.

May as well face your mortality someday, and clean up loose ends so others are not stuck doing so.