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Old 06-26-2011, 7:28pm   #41
lspencer534
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Dayum.........I bet she could suck start a 747

Uglier than a busted blister.

More nervous than a blind queer at a weinie roast.

Sweatin' like a whore in church.

I got tattoos all over my arms and none of 'em say stupid.

Mess with me, I'll cut your face off and wipe my ass with it.

I'm the nicest guy in the world. Until I've been provoked. Then you shall see Satan personified.

Well, feck me freddie.

That damn nut was tighter than a stuck booger.

That damn thing is tighter than a gnats ass stretched across a rain barrel.

Damn, her ass is 2 axe handles and a snuff box wide.

I wouldn't piss on his teeth if his tonsils were on fire.

I got yer hope and change riiiiight heeeere, pal.

If stupidity were corn flakes, you'd be Tony the Tiger.

Yes, I'm drunk. Do you really think I'd bother talking to you were I sober?

Shot at and missed, shit on and hit.

Stop jawin' and start pourin,' you monkey. I'll be damned if I have a sober bartender to tell me when I've had enough.

Grinnin' like a jackass eatin briars through a barbed wire fence.

Stunk bad enough to give a hyena the dry heaves.

Stunk worse than a skunk puking up dead fish.

Thats more fecked up than a football bat.

And many, many more.
Especially when I've been drinking.
Well...start drinkin'!
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:32pm   #42
themonk
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"Are you fat because you're lazy or lazy because you're fat?"
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:34pm   #43
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Two from my late Dad:
"That's one thing I can't see into. An elephant's ass, without a step ladder."
And whenever my Mom would ask him anything, he'd almost always answer "You got me by the balls!"
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:36pm   #44
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Were you born stupid or is this just the result of years of practice
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:39pm   #45
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"you can suck my c**k and spit out the feathers if it will make you stop bitching"

"Kiss my ass and bark at the hole" (that was one of my dear Dad's)

"This shit is about as organized as trying to heard cats into a swimming pool"

I have several.
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:41pm   #46
kylebuck
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I hope you die in a candy fire.

May a thousand kittens lick you and your family to death.

when you see a guy with his gf. " Man you know I always thought you were gay!"

"the difference in money and women is that I have never hated a 20 dollar bill.
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:45pm   #47
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Her ass has more dimples than a bag of golf balls.
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:46pm   #48
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"Doesn't that knock your hat off in the river"
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Old 06-26-2011, 7:51pm   #49
Bill
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"tighter than a dick's hatband"

"useless as tits on a boar hog"

"black as the ace of spades"

"happy as a sissy with a dick in his mouth"

....and how about an old one:

"now you're cooking with gas"
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Old 06-26-2011, 8:03pm   #50
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Her ass has more dimples than a bag of golf balls.
That's called hail damage.
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Old 06-27-2011, 12:03am   #51
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In a bad situation.... It's completely fawked, you can't fawk it anymore.

His/her teeth are so fawked up they're flashing gang signs.

May you be mistaken as a sex object by a love crazed rhinocerous. (Thanks to Johnny Carson)
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Old 06-27-2011, 3:55am   #52
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Here are two that I made up years ago

A goose short of a gaggle

Useless as a bucket under a bull
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Old 06-27-2011, 8:27am   #53
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Colder than a witch's titee in a brass bra

Hotter than a 2 dollar whore on nickel night
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:07am   #54
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Some days you're the dog and some days you're the fire hydrant.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:18am   #55
Uncle Pervey
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Slicker than a cat's ass...
Slicker than owl shit...
Fecked up like Hogan's goat..
Some days you eat the bear and some days the bear eats you....
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Old 06-28-2011, 8:36pm   #56
kingpin
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"With eyes like that, I bet your vagina is exquisite!"
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Old 06-28-2011, 9:26pm   #57
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Windy'er than a sack full of farts.

Teed off like a new golf ball in a tile bathroom.
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Old 06-28-2011, 9:55pm   #58
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Go outside and practice falling down. I be there in about 5 minutes to help you.
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Old 06-28-2011, 10:55pm   #59
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Don't get the horse before the cart.

It's too late to shut the barn door when the cow's already out.

More scarce than hen's teeth.

Crazy as a betsy bug. (I have NO clue what a betsy bug is. )

Shut that refrigerator door, there's no tv in there.

Close the door when you go out, were you raised in a barn?

When he says frog, she jumps.

He'd argue with an iron fencepost.

Lower than a snake's belly.

Blacker than tar.

Why be ugly when nice would do just as well or better?

***
My mom said all these things. She had a Louisiana country saying for everything, but of course it's hard to quote them when I'm actually trying to think of them.
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Old 06-28-2011, 11:48pm   #60
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its on its in, its on your chin
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