True lawyering stories...

[lspencer534]

I thought some of you might enjoy some of the odder and funnier moments I've seen/heard during my law career:

The was a U.S. Magistrate Judge named John Countiss who was holding a preliminart hearing in a criminal matter. The issue at a preliminary hearing is whether there is sufficient evidence to hold a defendant for trial. In this case, the Government's case was pretty weak, and I felt like the defendant would be let go. Instead, at the conclusion of the evidence, Judge Countiss stated, "Although the prosecution has presented scant evidence that the defendant probably committed this crime, I can tell by his beady little eyes that he's guilty of something. Lock him up!".

U.S. District Judge William Harold Cox was a testy old Judge, and everyone walked on eggs around him. During the first energy shortage in the early 1970s, Judge Cox came to the Courthouse one cool morning and wondered why the building was so cold. His law clerk told him that the GSA had mandated that all thermostats be set on 68 to conserve energy. He told his law clerk, "Find out who the head of that agency is, and bring me a warrant for his arrest. I want him to tell me why in Hell I have to work in a cold building!". (Washington, D.C. had to intervene.)

This one happened to me: A long time ago, I had sued a Ferrari dealer in Chicago who had sold my client a previously wrecked car (the body damage wasn't disclosed). I had an expert testify about the extent of damage (which was major), and the dealer had his expert testify that the damage was very minor and not worthy of disclosure.

I cross-examined the dealer's expert, which went like this:

Me: "How much are you being paid for your testimony today?"

Witness: "No one can buy my testimony; I charge just for my time." [He'd been well prepped.]

Me: "And what do you charge by the hour?"

Witness: "I charge $175 an hour."

Me: [In mock horror] "$175 an hour??? I don't charge that much!"

Witness: "I didn't tell you to become a lawyer...."

[C5Nate]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

I thought some of you might enjoy some of the odder and funnier moments I've seen/heard during my law career:

The was a U.S. Magistrate Judge named John Countiss who was holding a preliminart hearing in a criminal matter. The issue at a preliminary hearing is whether there is sufficient evidence to hold a defendant for trial. In this case, the Government's case was pretty weak, and I felt like the defendant would be let go. Instead, at the conclusion of the evidence, Judge Countiss stated, "Although the prosecution has presented scant evidence that the defendant probably committed this crime, I can tell by his beady little eyes that he's guilty of something. Lock him up!".

[Bill]

William Harold Cox sounds like a pompous asshole. I'm all about protesting dumbass edicts of government, but as a taxpayer, I would tell Judge Cox to put on longjohns under his robes and suck it up.

[Blademaker]

I cross-examined the dealer's expert, which went like this:

Me: "How much are you being paid for your testimony today?"

Witness: "No one can buy my testimony; I charge just for my time." [He'd been well prepped.]

Me: "And what do you charge by the hour?"

Witness: "I charge $175 an hour."

Me: [In mock horror] "$175 an hour??? I don't charge that much!"

Witness: "I didn't tell you to become a lawyer...."

Outcome?

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by Blademaker

Outcome?

I won, but I was worried after that smart-assed witness.

[Prosecutor]

The litigation process lends itself to amusing sound bites.

[MrPeabody]

Reminds me of a joke -

Lawyer to plumber: You're charging me $200! I don't even charge that much.

Plumber to lawyer: I didn't charge that much when I was a lawyer, either.

[mrvette]

NOT so concerned over the lawyers, they free to argue whatever they feel like, BUT.....any system that takes longer than 3 days for a capital offense is outta control......

and judges are bought every damn day, that includes the federal level....


too bad I have the written evidence of that from some 15 years ago....


that's ok, I know where the judges live, and some friends of theirs....

[aj]

This was told by a CC Judge in the early 70s.

The witness and defendant were both black with Texas accents so you may need to use your imagination to fully appreciate the story.

Background: witness owed defendant around $50 (remember this is early 70s and $50 was a lot of money). Defendant comes over to the witness house and demands his money.

Witness: I said I don't haves yo money.

Defendant: I wants my money or I'll shoot you.

Witness: I don't haves yo money.

Defendant leave and returns in about an hour with a gun.

Defendant: I want's my money.

Witness: I still don't have yo money.

Attorney: What happened then?

Witness: He shoots me. Then says he wants his money or he's gonna shoots me again.

Attorney: What did you do?

Witness: I told him Don't shoots me again I'm dying just as fast as I can.

Jerry the Judge said that he called a recess and rushed back to his chambers where he laughed his butt off. The story may have been better from the judge, but I still laugh when I think of the story.