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Old 06-21-2017, 9:59am   #21
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1. Most of the time you are lonelier in a bad marriage than being on your own. Been there, did that. Happier now.

2. You have to look at it as a new beginning, and the end of a bad situation. That's the ONLY way to look at it. It can ONLY get better.

3. There's a ton of lonely middle aged women out there who only want and Check out sites like Plenty of Fish.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:21am   #22
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Here’s the deal, you’re going to feel bad for a while then it will eventually dissipate. If you have kids, keep them close and don’t badmouth their mother, never.
This x 1,000. The temptation will be there but they will only wind up resenting you in the end.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:42am   #23
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Taking the high road is very tough sometimes, especially if the divorce gets nasty along the way. But if you have kids, it is imperative you keep it positive for them. Even if you have to explain that you and her were not getting along and for the sake of each other and the kids, you both had to do this to be of best benefit to them. Unhappy parents do NOT help the kids.

You'll get out of your routine that you had.
You'll come home to an empty residence.
You'll feel lost. You'll feel alone.

You have two choices at this point:
1. Accept it is happening
2. Deny it is happening

Once you accept it is happening, you have 2 more choices:
1. Bitch, moan, and be bitter about it.
2. See it as a chance to change up your life to bring you happiness.

Try something you've been wanting to try. Make that job change. Buy that car. Sell that car. Whatever. The slate is effectively wiped clear so you can make your life what you want to make it. You'll just have to do it without her at your side. That'll hurt at first, but you'll realize that you've lived to try and salvage a relationship that wasn't going to be salvaged, despite your best efforts. Even if you busted your ass to save it, she had to want to save it too, and it appears that she didn't.

She has the same choices ahead for her, but it will be on a different road. Perhaps you can stay amicable and be friends, but I don't know your situation.

You just focus on you and your kids, if you have any. Their happiness is paramount. If there are no kids, focus on yourself and your family (your parents and siblings), and work on doing what you want to do.

You have friends, family, and coworkers that care about you. Reach out to them. Be honest with how you're feeling. They'll appreciate being trusted in and you'll have the support you need.

No need to drag that yoke on your shoulders any more.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:02pm   #24
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This is all great advice and intellectually sound. I intellectually know it to be true, as is everything else posted. Where the brain becomes scrambled eggs is the emotions interfering with the logic. I don't WANT a divorce. If I did, this would be a cake walk. I still love her in my soul. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a chick writing a Dear Abbey letter. LOL.

I think about vacations, movies, a funny story, a piece of trivia, a dinner idea, furniture I like, whatever, and I want to share it with the person that has been my partner for 21 years and they are GONE. It is an empty, lonely feeling and it is taking control of me and I seem to be unable to fight back. To me it is WORSE than if she died because death isn't a choice. This person CHOSE to not be with me anymore. That's tough.
Anything and everything I do is just a shiny paint job on a turd. It all looks happy and smiley on the outside, but inside is a mental and emotional hurricane. It's like 6 bar bouncers kicking my heart's ass.

I appreciate the advice and words of encouragement. I'll refer to them as this moves forward.

When all is said and done and the emotions are removed, it will ultimately be a financial/business transaction and we already don't agree on things. Bumpy roads ahead.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:08pm   #25
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Go to this web site you will learn a great deal and have support from other male divorcees.. MGTOW.com


you will read some good horror stories.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:10pm   #26
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Originally Posted by aerovette View Post
This is all great advice and intellectually sound. I intellectually know it to be true, as is everything else posted. Where the brain becomes scrambled eggs is the emotions interfering with the logic. I don't WANT a divorce. If I did, this would be a cake walk. I still love her in my soul. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a chick writing a Dear Abbey letter. LOL.

I think about vacations, movies, a funny story, a piece of trivia, a dinner idea, furniture I like, whatever, and I want to share it with the person that has been my partner for 21 years and they are GONE. It is an empty, lonely feeling and it is taking control of me and I seem to be unable to fight back. To me it is WORSE than if she died because death isn't a choice. This person CHOSE to not be with me anymore. That's tough.
Anything and everything I do is just a shiny paint job on a turd. It all looks happy and smiley on the outside, but inside is a mental and emotional hurricane. It's like 6 bar bouncers kicking my heart's ass.

I appreciate the advice and words of encouragement. I'll refer to them as this moves forward.

When all is said and done and the emotions are removed, it will ultimately be a financial/business transaction and we already don't agree on things. Bumpy roads ahead.
I feel the same, but at the same time. I have to take some credit too. Even though they quit on us. Two things are very clear. 1. You can't make someone love you. 2. A one sided love affair never works.

I will try to do everything I can for my kid. I just wish there was a quicker way to get past it all and move forward.

Right there with you man. Feel free to chat or vent anytime. I am sure there are more than just us in the same boat.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:26pm   #27
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Originally Posted by aerovette View Post
This is all great advice and intellectually sound. I intellectually know it to be true, as is everything else posted. Where the brain becomes scrambled eggs is the emotions interfering with the logic. I don't WANT a divorce. If I did, this would be a cake walk. I still love her in my soul. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a chick writing a Dear Abbey letter. LOL.

I think about vacations, movies, a funny story, a piece of trivia, a dinner idea, furniture I like, whatever, and I want to share it with the person that has been my partner for 21 years and they are GONE. It is an empty, lonely feeling and it is taking control of me and I seem to be unable to fight back. To me it is WORSE than if she died because death isn't a choice. This person CHOSE to not be with me anymore. That's tough.
Anything and everything I do is just a shiny paint job on a turd. It all looks happy and smiley on the outside, but inside is a mental and emotional hurricane. It's like 6 bar bouncers kicking my heart's ass.

I appreciate the advice and words of encouragement. I'll refer to them as this moves forward.

When all is said and done and the emotions are removed, it will ultimately be a financial/business transaction and we already don't agree on things. Bumpy roads ahead.
Trust me, it ain't worse than them dying. In fact, it's nowhere near as bad as them dying. But you have to experience that to know that. Just thank God that you haven't. Yeah, her choosing to end it is tough, but she also chose to be with you 21 years, so that counts for something. People change over time and a lot of times they grow apart. That doesn't make you a bad person, or her for that matter; just different than who the two of you used to be. I can't sit here and say who's at fault; it could be you, it could be her, it could be both or neither of you. You can drive yourself crazy worrying about it, and all the worrying will still accomplish nothing. Accept that it's over, do some self reflection, and get out there and do some dating. At least some social mingling. Don't rush, it takes time to put a shattered heart back together, but you can mitigate a lot of the pain by moving forward with your life. You may have to push yourself at first, but the more you do then the quicker you can move on and stop hurting. Just remember: "This too shall pass".

Best wishes
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:31pm   #28
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Lease, don't buy.
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Old 06-21-2017, 1:58pm   #29
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Originally Posted by aerovette View Post
You obviously have never seen me.
Well I have (no homo) and you should have no problems finding an alternate option out there.

While the papers may be a sad reminder, they also signal a new beginning.
Scott

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Old 06-21-2017, 2:00pm   #30
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Why does divorce cost so much?




























Because it's worth it!
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Old 06-21-2017, 2:14pm   #31
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Aero, I totally sympathize with your position, and have empathy twice over with your position.....my first ex wanted her old lawyer friend back and so to be making tons of money in Wash DC......far as I know that did not work out for her....long story......no kids by me, anyway.....

second ex we had two kids, she had an affair or two with work cronies, off to 'meetings' across the nation.....yeh, sure.....anyway I was dumped when the kids were age 6 and 4.....still have that last photo of them together all dressed nice, standing in front of the house in the garden full of flowers that last spring together as a family, with sad looks on their faces.....

I had noticed a 'chill' in the relationship, she tried to blame it on me, of course, even slapped me once in the kitchen, that was the second the love died on my side.....

So because kids were young I stuck it out on the other side of the freeway, bought a house with a basement bath, that I immediately added a shower on, and a kitchen on the opposite wall, and made an apartment out of it, with their own entrance via the basement stairs.....and with the arthritis acting up in winters....I stuck it out had a g/f move in and so added a party deck on back, and that went super nice with the concrete back yard and 3 car garage the house had....which is why I bought the joint....off street parking, and no back lawn to maintain....purrfect house for this cat, except for winter time.....so after about 8 years I finally sold the house, and figgered the kids could flip to Florida which they did for a few years, they 33&35 this year.....

I honestly feel the only reason their mother married me was that she felt she wanted kids and we had this relationship going, and it was for no other reason.....really......sperm doaner

So here in Florida for 20 years, age 72, have my little chick a dee Florida native wife who is age 65, and we get along just great, constantly trading jokes and humor back and forth......she cooks, I wash, we stay alive......

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Old 06-21-2017, 2:15pm   #32
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2. A one sided love affair never works.
Unless the other side is your hand.
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Old 06-21-2017, 2:17pm   #33
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Originally Posted by Olustee bus View Post


Norm pegged it well.


It is tough but you will get through.

After my separation, I looked in the mirror and hardly recognized myself. I had been drinking too much and losing sleep.

I vowed then, to myself, that I would build a better life. I never lost site of that vow and it really happened - Big time. You can do it too.
This is very similar to my life over the last 12 months, but I'm much happier now and I can walk around naked anytime I want.
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Old 06-21-2017, 2:21pm   #34
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Originally Posted by aerovette View Post
This is all great advice and intellectually sound. I intellectually know it to be true, as is everything else posted. Where the brain becomes scrambled eggs is the emotions interfering with the logic. I don't WANT a divorce. If I did, this would be a cake walk. I still love her in my soul. Yeah, I know, it sounds like a chick writing a Dear Abbey letter. LOL.

I think about vacations, movies, a funny story, a piece of trivia, a dinner idea, furniture I like, whatever, and I want to share it with the person that has been my partner for 21 years and they are GONE. It is an empty, lonely feeling and it is taking control of me and I seem to be unable to fight back. To me it is WORSE than if she died because death isn't a choice. This person CHOSE to not be with me anymore. That's tough.
Anything and everything I do is just a shiny paint job on a turd. It all looks happy and smiley on the outside, but inside is a mental and emotional hurricane. It's like 6 bar bouncers kicking my heart's ass.

I appreciate the advice and words of encouragement. I'll refer to them as this moves forward.

When all is said and done and the emotions are removed, it will ultimately be a financial/business transaction and we already don't agree on things. Bumpy roads ahead.

I was also given the advice to go sleep with her best friend, but you better wait until the divorce is final for that one.
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Old 06-21-2017, 8:41pm   #35
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I was also given the advice to go sleep with her best friend, but you better wait until the divorce is final for that one.
Then tell her best friend that she is so much better in bed than your ex.

Yes, it looks like your life is crashing down right now but you will realize it's a brand new start handed to you on a silver platter.

You will do quite well and you may even find someone to spend time with.

It's up to you how you handle this new beginning. Want to get even with your soon to be ex? Do well in your life.

Jeff
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Old 06-21-2017, 8:53pm   #36
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dude, go get drunk and bank her best friend or her sister. Come on. Man up.

seriously though, sorry.


(go bang her sister anyway)
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Old 06-21-2017, 9:11pm   #37
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My 2 best friends and i are meeting for cigars and a beer at District 249 bar & grill tomorrow evening. We will listen and won't judge.
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Old 06-21-2017, 9:18pm   #38
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Dating is not likely. It's not so much that I am a pessimist. I think I am a realist. I'm mid 50's under 6 feet, low to middle income, half my hair is gone. I can only attract a trailer park bingo mama that's blind in one eye and carries a Chihuahua in her purse. I'm attracted to women that are not out just of my league, they are playing a different sport. I was way over-chicked. Lightning won't strike twice. That's not pissing and moaning.That's a fact. My wife dated and married a decent looking and moderately successful guy in me, but used me up and divorced a hundred miles of bad road. My best is long gone. I have no game, no charm, no money. I'm a plate of two week old leftovers...I just don't smell bad....yet.


At this point, my only hope is to think of myself as a barn find and do a frame up resto. Change my diet, start exercising, figure out how to remove the ten tons of stress I walk around with, and see what comes out of it.
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Old 06-21-2017, 9:24pm   #39
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My 2 best friends and i are meeting for cigars and a beer at District 249 bar & grill tomorrow evening. We will listen and won't judge.
Tempting and appreciated.
My job makes it impossible to do much of anything during the week. 11 hour days and a very lean operation. We all do two jobs and get paid for 3/4 of ONE.
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Old 06-22-2017, 7:51am   #40
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Dating is not likely. It's not so much that I am a pessimist. I think I am a realist. I'm mid 50's under 6 feet, low to middle income, half my hair is gone. I can only attract a trailer park bingo mama that's blind in one eye and carries a Chihuahua in her purse. I'm attracted to women that are not out just of my league, they are playing a different sport. I was way over-chicked. Lightning won't strike twice. That's not pissing and moaning.That's a fact. My wife dated and married a decent looking and moderately successful guy in me, but used me up and divorced a hundred miles of bad road. My best is long gone. I have no game, no charm, no money. I'm a plate of two week old leftovers...I just don't smell bad....yet.


At this point, my only hope is to think of myself as a barn find and do a frame up resto. Change my diet, start exercising, figure out how to remove the ten tons of stress I walk around with, and see what comes out of it.
This

Time to look forward and stop looking back. There's no sense in living your life being miserable. Start exercising again, this alone will help you feel better about yourself and help rid the stress. I workout everyday at the Y on 249, lots of pretty women of all ages there to help with motivation. You got this, you just need to change your thinking and move on. This is your life and you control how you feel. Get that self esteem back. Women want a guy that's confident, it doesn't matter about looks (I'm way overchicked). All you need is confidence and a sense of humor.
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