Anger Management help

[Giraffe (He/Him)]

Originally Posted by LATB

yeah, I could see that.

It's not like my own smart mouth didn't put me in harms way once or twice.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by syf350

Now, after having read the whole thread, I would like to offer a couple unsolicited comments.

First, a talk with your wife is in order. If not for help, then to at least see what she's made of, and can understand where you are and where you want to be. I don't know you or her, but dealing with someone that can't see past their own needs will not help you, and quote honestly may be part of the problem. Your talk will let you know if she's in or out.

Next, yeah the hobby thing may or may not work. To me, that's a distraction and not a fix.

Professional help? Not much help there. There are people that it can work for and people it doesn't. Personally I don't think it helps me. Does that mean I think I am above it? Absolutely not. Just not how I am wired. And yes I have been to professional help before.

Pot? Who am I to discourage that, but again. Distraction, not correction.

It is all attitude. Someone said it, you can't control shit, but you can control how you react to shit. YOU can decide to laugh.

It is simple to say. The issue is the control that it takes. I was given this comparison. Someone skilled in martial arts does not think about their move. It becomes instinct and if they walk away from martial arts for 10 years and encounter someone that throws a punch, that instinct will kick back in and damage will be done. That is the space I live in. It is an instinctive reaction to get pissed when something goes wrong. I'll go so far as to call it infantile. That circuitry is so ingrained in my psyche that I need a set of tools and a rewire starting with a small thing and then expand on it. For example, it startles me and makes me mad when our dogs flip out and bark like maniacs when a jogger goes by. I need to take that single thing and learn to respond differently. Don't yell their name, just get up and walk over to them and calm them down. They are doing their job. Then move to the next and eventually my hope is there are more good reactions than bad ones and it will then become my instinct. I don't have a switch I can instantly flip and no longer react as I would normally.

I will tell those reading that my wife is NOT on board. She said it stresses her out too much. I don't even drive when we go anywhere. She drives so there is no aggravation and I am happy with that. I am not sure whether I am painting an accurate picture or if I am blowing it out of proportion. I have lost the ability to judge for myself how big the problem really is. It is a problem for my wife and that is enough to make it a serious problem. I fear I am too late on that front, but I can still fix me I hope.

The number one thing that keeps me at a high stress is money. I am afraid of having nothing when I retire, which is possible, I am afraid of not staying employed until I retire. I am afraid that our entire house and all contents are now 7 year sold and will start failing left and right. I mean I could put myself in a padded room with all the crap swimming around in my head. It makes me a grenade with the pin pulled.

I feel like a bad kid that doesn't want to be bad anymore, but can't seem to shake the reputation.

[Chuck A]

Its easy to say RELAX, but its very hard to do, sending you good wishes and strength my friend.
Very hoping indeed
PS, look at my dog in the avatar, hes insane

[DAB]

Money....

Now we are getting somewhere.

Fear is an amazing motivator.

[MrPeabody]

Originally Posted by Thomas

That was kinda my point. If I'm in a shit mood that LAST thing I'm gonna do is pour booze on it.

I had a good friend and room mate 30 years ago who tended to go towards violence when drunk. I bought him a T shirt that said:, "Instant Asshole. Just Add Alcohol".

[LATB]

Originally Posted by Thomas

It's not like my own smart mouth didn't put me in harms way once or twice.

Thomas, you know what...my respect for you just went up a couple notches with that post.

Like I've posted, I bet you and I have much common ground. Sans presidential politics.

Anyway...this ones for you.

[Giraffe (He/Him)]

It is all attitude. Someone said it, you can't control shit, but you can control how you react to shit. YOU can decide to laugh.

That's great advice on paper, but not everyone is wired that way. They're just not.

I have lost the ability to judge for myself how big the problem really is.

OK, so some fag cuts you off in traffic. You can either pretend to laugh it off which doesn't sound like your makeup AT ALL, or you can let him cut you off and have a think as to why this upsets you so much. Eventually, you'll re-align your brain as to what's worth getting pissed about and whats not.

Use your head. Think things through before you react to any given situation. You can't over-react if you take no action at all right? Everything in life can wait until you sort things out. EVERYTHING.

I don't have a switch I can instantly flip and no longer react as I would normally.

None of us do. That's why just laugh it off advice is impossible given where your at.

[LATB]

Originally Posted by MrPeabody

I had a good friend and room mate 30 years ago who tended to go towards violence when drunk. I bought him a T shirt that said:, "Instant Asshole. Just Add Alcohol".

I've never been a violent one when drinking. Booze only makes me horny and lustful. I'm a classic beer goggle man. 3-4 beers and I'm checking out even the chubby ladies.

[syf350]

Originally Posted by Thomas

None of us do. That's why just laugh it off advice is impossible given where your at.

After reading the response to my post, I agree. Go see someone, and soon. My suggestion would be alone at first to spill the guts, then get the wife in with you when the Pro says it's time. If she doesn't want to go, well, that speaks volumes. I can understand her not being in NOW, I have no tolerance for her not WANTING to be in and be part of the solution.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by syf350

After reading the response to my post, I agree. Go see someone, and soon. My suggestion would be alone at first to spill the guts, then get the wife in with you when the Pro says it's time. If she doesn't want to go, well, that speaks volumes. I can understand her not being in NOW, I have no tolerance for her not WANTING to be in and be part of the solution.

I am 99% sure I will be doing this alone. I am going to get a hold of my old therapist and see if can get in. That way I won't have to start at zero.

I have another friend that does meditation. He is pretty high strung too. He claims it did wonders. I am not sure I can really clear my mind enough to meditate. My brain is always "on" and runs at warp speed all over the place.

There are some decent suggestions posted. I'll try almost anything.

[syf350]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I am 99% sure I will be doing this alone. I am going to get a hold of my old therapist and see if can get in. That way I won't have to start at zero.

I have another friend that does meditation. He is pretty high strung too. He claims it did wonders. I am not sure I can really clear my mind enough to meditate. My brain is always "on" and runs at warp speed all over the place.

There are some decent suggestions posted. I'll try almost anything.

Damn, the more you talk, the clearer the mirror gets.

Alone is where to start. BUT if those in your life arent willing to be a part of it, then there is much more you need to look at. Good luck. As others have said, I'm willing to talk if you feel the need/want. I ain't a pro and don't have the answers, but I can drink with the best of them.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by syf350

Damn, the more you talk, the clearer the mirror gets.

Alone is where to start. BUT if those in your life arent willing to be a part of it, then there is much more you need to look at. Good luck. As others have said, I'm willing to talk if you feel the need/want. I ain't a pro and don't have the answers, but I can drink with the best of them.

Yeah, I may PM some people or call. There are many layers to this and I realize that it is hard to give advice when you don't know the entire story.

I can say this. I am only a yeller. That is my release. Raise my voice. I have worked on my car and a wrench has flown or a door slammed but most of the time I am just cussing under my breath or loudly if no one is around. I will slam toolbox drawers too. It is not like I am smashing things in the house or anything. It really is like a bottle rocket. I quick Ziiiing, a loud POP and the whole event is over. It is the week of her not speaking to me that lasts the longest.

[polarbear]

Originally Posted by NEED-A-VETTE;1340905[B

]You need to go see a therapist. Immediately. Talk thru your issues and fix yourself. Trying to salvage your marriage is a futile effort without having yourself squared away. You will never make anyone else happy if you aren't happy with yourself. [/B]

Tough love time: You're unhappy with your current station in life and you've listed it as a major factor in your anger. Fair enough. So, what are you going to do about it? Sit around and fester over it? Or take the steps to make some changes? Take control of your life. Don't dwell on what you haven't done thus far; focus on what you can do for your future.

Take a few college courses. Do something that gives you a sense of forward momentum. Find a therapist (very soon) that will help you and will (eventually) be able to help your marriage. On a daily basis, go to the gym. Take a jog around the neighborhood. Work off some aggression.

Big changes are simply the sum of small decisions.

With that... dang, where do I start?

Everyone remembers I work out of the Special Ed Department for our School District? Most of my time is spent is spent working with kiddos with behavioral issues. Now behavior issues rarely involve being bad per se- it generally means a kiddo has lost control and is in the midst of an epic temper tantrum.

For my kiddos (and most big kiddos ), angry outbursts are nothing more than a communication disorder displaying itself. If looked at in this context, outbursts are simply the inability to articulate various frustrations. Generally, there's a

1. Setting event. Something that starts the pot boiling.
Often something that has no apparent relationship to the impending outburst.
2. Escalations. Things that up the heat each time they're tripped.
3. Trigger event. Better known as the "last straw." Usually the person has been escalating for awhile, and the trigger event is the thing that sets off the explosion.
4. De-escalation cycle. A misnomer- the de-escalation can often hit escalation triggers and ramp right back up. Generally that ramp is steeper, and the peak much higher, than the initial outburst.
5. Cool down time. Just what it sounds like.

The trick, as a Behavior Specialist, is to recognize where in the series a kiddo is. Keep in mind a kiddo has no way of recognizing this, much less developing the tools and strategies to avert the 2-3 stages.

The long term fix is to give the kiddo the tools to articulate what's really bothering them. Once we can get to that point, we have a way to go in the classroom. It's my stock and trade- go figure.

Don't think for a second that adults are any different. The bar is simply set a bit higher.

[NCC-1701]

Originally Posted by aerovette

Has anyone here actually had any anger management counseling or training or whatever? How did it work out? Did it actually make a difference?

I have trouble chilling out and since I don't smoke pot, I am considering seeing someone. Mind you, this is not physical anger. It is just general impatience and high level frustration with most things I encounter. Dumb people seem to get under my skin quickly as well as poor drivers ...

and most of the stuff my wife does

It sits inside and stews until I crack and then it is over the top.

It is a trait I don't like in myself and I want to fix it.

I am open to any advice.

(flame suit is on as well in case it goes that direction)

I used to get pissed off a lot in my younger days but since I'm older now I can get hurt in a fight so I have calmed down half of what I use to be. Road rage seems to be my undoing too many moron drivers. Ive thought of buying a piece of sh!t car and smashing some of the morons on the road throttles do get stuck..

[Aerovette]

I'll tell you another really odd thing. This horrible person that I apparently am, is the same person that is the life of the party, the class clown, the one that keeps everyone laughing. Any one of my friends will tell you if you asked them to use one word to describe me, they would say "hilarious" or "funny" or something similar. How do these two polar opposites reside in the same person? I love to laugh. I love good jokes, funny movies, sarcasm, pratfalls, Three Stooges, any comedy.

[MrPeabody]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I'll tell you another really odd thing. This horrible person that I apparently am, is the same person that is the life of the party, the class clown, the one that keeps everyone laughing. Any one of my friends will tell you if you asked them to use one word to describe me, they would say "hilarious" or "funny" or something similar. How do these two polar opposites reside in the same person? I love to laugh. I love good jokes, funny movies, sarcasm, pratfalls, Three Stooges, any comedy.

Oh, you didn't tell us you had a Three Stooges problem. That's where the violence comes from.

[island14]

Originally Posted by aerovette

I'll tell you another really odd thing. This horrible person that I apparently am, is the same person that is the life of the party, the class clown, the one that keeps everyone laughing. Any one of my friends will tell you if you asked them to use one word to describe me, they would say "hilarious" or "funny" or something similar. How do these two polar opposites reside in the same person? I love to laugh. I love good jokes, funny movies, sarcasm, pratfalls, Three Stooges, any comedy.

Most people would never guess that I sometimes pee on fire ants and try to drown them.

I find it very satisfying, and relaxingly therapeutic..

I just wish I could hear their little screams..

[island14]

Originally Posted by MrPeabody

Oh, you didn't tell us you had a Three Stooges problem. That's where the violence comes from.

We all know who Larry is..

Now we just have to wonder if Aerodood is Curly or Moe..

[Rob]

I saw someone share this today and thought it was worth sharing here as well.

[LATB]

Indeed.