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Old 09-03-2017, 09:59am   #1
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Default September giggles........

OK....post 'em up if you got 'em.


A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked,

"Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor"s daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can"t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can"t you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor"s sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it." Again, the young man said

"I can"t print that, either! Let"s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?" The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."



The Show

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for ten dollars?" The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs, first room on the right."

The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out. The man has his way with the chicken. The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor: "I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund."

The proprietor says: "Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the first room on the left, and you won't want your ten dollars back."

So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating, and a big curtain on one side. A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually large flat screen TV and what appears to be a live camera feed of an orgy. The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: "Man, this is something, huh?" The other guy says: "You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."

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Old 09-03-2017, 11:51am   #2
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Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?' 'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly. 'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?' 'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn'mean you'll get it!'
--------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
--------------------
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
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Old 09-03-2017, 05:03pm   #3
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A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht clubs. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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Old 09-03-2017, 05:22pm   #4
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A man was writing a book about elderly people and he went out into his community looking for old people to interview. He saw a man sitting on his porch and thought it was the oldest man he had ever seen, so he stopped to talk to him. He asked about his lifestyle, and the man told him he smoked two packs of cigarettes and drank a bottle of whiskey every day. He ate anything he wanted, and especially liked fried foods.

He said he had never been to a doctor or taken a prescription drug. He did use illegal drugs, especially cocaine and meth. He despised exercise and sat in a recliner chair watching TV all day. He told the man that was remarkable, and asked just how old he was. The man replied 36.
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Old 09-04-2017, 09:10am   #5
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Two ladies talking in Heaven.....

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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Old 09-04-2017, 09:13am   #6
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Old 09-04-2017, 09:42am   #7
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Horny?
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:52am   #8
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School goes back this month!



Having a great time on vacation....


Making the best of a bad situation...









How many children...

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

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Old 09-05-2017, 03:32am   #9
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Dear Armed Forces members:

It has been brought to command's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some snowflakes who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner....

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the feck you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a fecking bitch.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the feck do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fecking way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fecking problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the feck?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the feck didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Feck it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fecking job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the feck died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You,Human Resources


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Old 09-05-2017, 02:23pm   #10
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Old 09-05-2017, 02:29pm   #11
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I don't know how birds fly......I just keep flapping!

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Old 09-06-2017, 07:10am   #12
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A 70-year-old man has never be...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."



Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"





....
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Old 09-08-2017, 04:37am   #13
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This from my thread over there......thanks Mikey!


Contemplating suicide
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.






A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."
Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"
"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I rode on a train.'"
She then turns to little Mark, a kindly, young lad and asks, "And how about you, Mark?"
Mark put a finger to his lips and thought real hard. "I went to the animal place and saw the stripy horsies."
"Simply exquisite," the teacher replied, "But say you saw zebras at the zoo next time, alright dear?"
After Mark nodded, the teacher turned to colorful and spirited Franky. "How about you, Frank?"
The little boy tilted his head after a second and said, "I read a...book!"
"Very good!" The teacher said, glowing with pride. "And what did you read?" She asked, beaming.
Frank thought long and hard for a second, then smiled real big, puffed up his chest and said in a great, big voice:
"Winnie the Shit!"







The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.

The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.
"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and performance records are outdated. We ask that you come with us to perform some tests."
The president agrees, gets up out of his chair and follows the group of agents to a private and secluded athletics field.
"This won't take long Mr. President, simple tests. First off, we need you to do as many push-ups as you can without stopping." and so the president gets down, takes a deep breath and does a strong 62 push-ups.
"Good job sir, next we need you to hold these weights out in front of you and do as many squats as you can without stopping"
The president gets in his best stance and begins squatting. He does a burly 45 squats before giving out.
"Impressive sir, just one more test. We need you to run a mile around this track as fast as you can."
The president tightens the laces on his shoes, adjusts his headband and takes a quick drink of water, then gets on the starting line. The agents count him off and he takes off running. Several minutes later he passes through the finish line sweating and breathing hard.
"Very good sir, that's one of the most impressive mile lap times I've ever seen."
The president says "Am I the best?'
The agent takes a second to flip through some papers on his clipboard before going "Ehh.. not quite. You're second best overall with a time of 10 minutes and 32 seconds."
The president says "What? Who did better than me?"
"Well, Bush did 9:11."





A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" He asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."




The Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a spoon, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."









A lawyer is pulled over by a cop.
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"



A WWII joke
A retired British World War II pilot is in an interview on the BBC reminiscing about his days in the air force: "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was escorting some bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, some Fokkers appeared. I had Fokkers coming in on my right and Fokkers coming in on my left." At this point the interviewer interrupts him. "We should point out to those of our listeners that are wondering, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft." "That's true," says the pilot, "but these ****ers were Messerschmidts."



I decided to play a joke on my dad
Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.
This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the table, my dad entered the kitchen, with fury in his eyes.
"If I find one of those stupid cards again, then I'm going to kick your ass!", he said as he reached for the fridge.
I whispered to myself "I'm toast."









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Old 09-08-2017, 05:02am   #14
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The Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a spoon, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Old 09-08-2017, 11:20am   #15
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Gee, thanks for all your input people!

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Old 09-08-2017, 12:39pm   #16
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Old 09-08-2017, 03:45pm   #17
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What did the one tampon say to the other tampon?


Nothing....they were both stuck up bitches.

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Old 09-09-2017, 07:34am   #18
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😅😅😅😅
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Old 09-09-2017, 08:24am   #19
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Gee, thanks for all your input people!

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Old 09-09-2017, 09:18am   #20
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That time Nathan Explosion was the governor of Florida during hurricane season.

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