Choose your color scheme:
The Vette Barn  
 
Go Back   The Vette Barn > Off Topic/Babes/Other > Off Topic

Off Topic Off Topic - General non-Corvette related discussion.

User Tag List

Reply
 
Share Thread Tools
Old 07-29-2020, 8:19am   #1
Mike Mercury
Chief Meat Gazer
Charter Member
Barn Stall Owner #98
Barn Raising II,III,IV
Points: 108,158, Level: 100
Activity: 48.4%
 
Mike Mercury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37,283
Thanks: 13,856
Thanked 24,089 Times in 9,243 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $5135124
Default On his deathbed, a husband

On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife, "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish."

"What is it?", she asked.

"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door."

"But I thought you hated Ken?", she said.

"I do", said the husband.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Your momma is so fat,

they use the elastic from her underwear for bungee jumping.

When she walked in front of the TV, I missed two episodes.

When she turns sideways, we enter Daylight Savings Time.

-------------------------------------------------------

that girl is so ugly that.... she passed out at a frat party and woke up wearing
more clothes.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about that newlywed couple on their honeymoon down in Florida yesterday?

The husband was swimming and died from a shark bite.

But he didn't suffer long; he'd only been married two days.

-------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar, but the bartender throws him out for being too drunk.

The man walks back in the bar a few minutes later, and the bartender throws him out again. Once again the drunk walks into the same bar.

The bartender is just about to toss him out when the man looks at the bartender and asks,
"How many bars do you own, anyway?"
Mike Mercury is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 18 Users Say Thank You to Mike Mercury For This Useful Post:
Old 07-29-2020, 8:25am   #2
snide
Potnonomicaphobe
Barn Raising II,III

NCM Supporter '13
Bantayan Kids '17
Points: 103,873, Level: 100
Activity: 99.4%
 
snide's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: I could never live there.
Posts: 119,167
Thanks: 87,401
Thanked 18,952 Times in 9,205 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $108033784
Default

snide is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2020, 8:27am   #3
thecornerman
Vette Barn Crew
Points: 5,184, Level: 49
Activity: 20.7%
 
thecornerman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Middleville
Posts: 719
Thanks: 151
Thanked 510 Times in 271 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3335
Default

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment
The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,
"I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says,
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast."
__________________
2002 Roadster
K&N Air Filter
Borla Exhaust
thecornerman is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to thecornerman For This Useful Post:
Old 07-29-2020, 8:36am   #4
thecornerman
Vette Barn Crew
Points: 5,184, Level: 49
Activity: 20.7%
 
thecornerman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Middleville
Posts: 719
Thanks: 151
Thanked 510 Times in 271 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3335
Default

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in,
he realizes it's a gay bar but decides,
'what the heck, I really want a drink.'
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer,
'What's the name of your penis?'
The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that.
All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says,
'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.
Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar
calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks,
'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?
' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says,
'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?'
The fella proudly replies,
'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping
on a fruity margarita.
'So, what do you call your penis?'
The man to
his right turns to him and proudly exclaims,
'FORD'
because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his penis.
He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
'The name of my penis is Secret.
' Now give me my beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
'Why secret?'
The customer says
.
.
.
.
.
.
'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'
__________________
2002 Roadster
K&N Air Filter
Borla Exhaust
thecornerman is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to thecornerman For This Useful Post:
Old 07-29-2020, 8:39am   #5
Jeff '79
Barn Stall Owner #2112
Fantasy Football Champ '14,'16,'20
Bantayan Kids '13
Points: 134,911, Level: 100
Activity: 7.6%
 
Jeff '79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: WHERE I LAY MY HEAD IS HOME - REHO BEACH DELAWARE
Posts: 41,634
Thanks: 6,231
Thanked 10,304 Times in 6,188 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3043611
Default

Jeff '79 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2020, 9:47am   #6
Vandelay Industries
A Real Barner
Points: 4,031, Level: 42
Activity: 33.6%
 
Vandelay Industries's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: C'mon Man!
Posts: 3,134
Thanks: 2,283
Thanked 1,712 Times in 620 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $4810
Default

Good joles!

Vandelay Industries is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Vandelay Industries For This Useful Post:
Old 07-29-2020, 9:53am   #7
ToolMaker
Barn Stall Owner #97
Points: 7,358, Level: 60
Activity: 3.4%
 
ToolMaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tamworth, NH Wht. Mtn's
Posts: 2,539
Thanks: 2,001
Thanked 273 Times in 181 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $56470018
Default

Thank you all!
ToolMaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2020, 11:18am   #8
Anjdog2003
A Real Barner
Points: 14,630, Level: 83
Activity: 99.8%
 
Anjdog2003's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: In some people's minds
Posts: 11,895
Thanks: 7,261
Thanked 10,028 Times in 3,616 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $324490
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Mercury View Post

A man walks into a bar, but the bartender throws him out for being too drunk.

The man walks back in the bar a few minutes later, and the bartender throws him out again. Once again the drunk walks into the same bar.

The bartender is just about to toss him out when the man looks at the bartender and asks,
"How many bars do you own, anyway?"




Anjdog2003 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2020, 6:50am   #9
Mike Mercury
Chief Meat Gazer
Charter Member
Barn Stall Owner #98
Barn Raising II,III,IV
Points: 108,158, Level: 100
Activity: 48.4%
 
Mike Mercury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37,283
Thanks: 13,856
Thanked 24,089 Times in 9,243 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $5135124
Default








Mike Mercury is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Mike Mercury For This Useful Post:
Old 07-31-2020, 7:06am   #10
Strats-N-Vettes
A Real Barner
Points: 96,390, Level: 100
Activity: 99.0%
 
Strats-N-Vettes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: ♫♫ ♪ ♫♫♫ ♪ ♫♫
Posts: 6,903
Thanks: 112
Thanked 11,311 Times in 3,993 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $2034428
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Mercury View Post


Strats-N-Vettes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2020, 7:17am   #11
Mike Mercury
Chief Meat Gazer
Charter Member
Barn Stall Owner #98
Barn Raising II,III,IV
Points: 108,158, Level: 100
Activity: 48.4%
 
Mike Mercury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37,283
Thanks: 13,856
Thanked 24,089 Times in 9,243 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $5135124
Default

Mike Mercury is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Mike Mercury For This Useful Post:
Old 07-31-2020, 10:03am   #12
73sbVert
Moderator
Barn Stall Owner #20
Barn Stall Owner #33

Barn Raising I,II
NCM Supporter '11,'13,'14,'20,'21
Bantayan Kids '13
Points: 24,657, Level: 100
Activity: 6.7%
 
73sbVert's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 19,499
Thanks: 12,617
Thanked 2,566 Times in 1,601 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $988270
Default

A woman walks into her church to speak to the priest.

"Father, me husband Seamus passed away last night"

Father: "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he have any last words?"

Mary: "Why yes Father, he said "Mary, put down the gun...""


73sbVert is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to 73sbVert For This Useful Post:
Old 07-31-2020, 10:46am   #13
thecornerman
Vette Barn Crew
Points: 5,184, Level: 49
Activity: 20.7%
 
thecornerman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Middleville
Posts: 719
Thanks: 151
Thanked 510 Times in 271 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3335
Default

Why I fired my secretary



Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday

I wasn't feeling too hot That morning anyway

I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday

I said well, that's wives for you, The children will remember

The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said

"Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered, I worked until noon

About noon Janet knocked on my door and said,

"You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go we went out into the country to a little private place

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously

On the way back to the office, she said

"You know, it's such a beautiful day

We don't need to go back to the office, Do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into

the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out...

carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children

All were singing Happy Birthday...

and there on the couch I sat...
.
.
.
.


with nothing on but my socks......
__________________
2002 Roadster
K&N Air Filter
Borla Exhaust
thecornerman is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to thecornerman For This Useful Post:
Old 07-31-2020, 10:56am   #14
thecornerman
Vette Barn Crew
Points: 5,184, Level: 49
Activity: 20.7%
 
thecornerman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Middleville
Posts: 719
Thanks: 151
Thanked 510 Times in 271 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3335
Default

.
.
.
__________________
2002 Roadster
K&N Air Filter
Borla Exhaust
thecornerman is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to thecornerman For This Useful Post:
Old 08-03-2020, 5:29pm   #15
thecornerman
Vette Barn Crew
Points: 5,184, Level: 49
Activity: 20.7%
 
thecornerman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Middleville
Posts: 719
Thanks: 151
Thanked 510 Times in 271 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3335
Default

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS



Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..



Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'



Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

______________________________ _______



A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'



The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'



______________________________ _______


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'



'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



______________________________ _______


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'



'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

______________________________ _______


An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.



The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'



The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

______________________________ _______



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:



1. The DNA all matches.



2. There are no dental records.



______________________________ _______


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'



The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'



'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.



______________________________ _______


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.



'How was he killed?' asked one detective..



'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.



'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'



'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'



______________________________ _______


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'



______________________________ _______


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'



______________________________ _______


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.



'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'



'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'



He's still in intensive care.



______________________________ _______



The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...



The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
__________________
2002 Roadster
K&N Air Filter
Borla Exhaust
thecornerman is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to thecornerman For This Useful Post:
Old 08-03-2020, 8:17pm   #16
Mike Mercury
Chief Meat Gazer
Charter Member
Barn Stall Owner #98
Barn Raising II,III,IV
Points: 108,158, Level: 100
Activity: 48.4%
 
Mike Mercury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37,283
Thanks: 13,856
Thanked 24,089 Times in 9,243 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $5135124
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thecornerman
'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Mike Mercury is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2020, 7:25am   #17
Mike Mercury
Chief Meat Gazer
Charter Member
Barn Stall Owner #98
Barn Raising II,III,IV
Points: 108,158, Level: 100
Activity: 48.4%
 
Mike Mercury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37,283
Thanks: 13,856
Thanked 24,089 Times in 9,243 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $5135124
Default

little Johnny calls 911...

911, "what's your emergency?"

Johnny: "I'm masturbating too much."
911: "That's not a problem."
Johnny: "Did you hear that, mom?"

----------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar, orders ten shots of bourbon, and starts drinking them down as fast as he can,The bartender asks,Hey mister, why are you drinking so fast?" The man replies,You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."What do you have ?"the bartender asks sympathetically.
"About seventy five cents!"

----------------------------------------------

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: "This isn't deodorant."
Mike Mercury is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Mike Mercury For This Useful Post:
Old 08-04-2020, 8:41am   #18
snide
Potnonomicaphobe
Barn Raising II,III

NCM Supporter '13
Bantayan Kids '17
Points: 103,873, Level: 100
Activity: 99.4%
 
snide's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: I could never live there.
Posts: 119,167
Thanks: 87,401
Thanked 18,952 Times in 9,205 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $108033784
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Mercury View Post

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Gene: "This isn't deodorant."
snide is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2020, 8:53am   #19
Mike Mercury
Chief Meat Gazer
Charter Member
Barn Stall Owner #98
Barn Raising II,III,IV
Points: 108,158, Level: 100
Activity: 48.4%
 
Mike Mercury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37,283
Thanks: 13,856
Thanked 24,089 Times in 9,243 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $5135124
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by snide View Post
Gene: "This isn't deodorant."
Mike Mercury is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2020, 11:48am   #20
thecornerman
Vette Barn Crew
Points: 5,184, Level: 49
Activity: 20.7%
 
thecornerman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Middleville
Posts: 719
Thanks: 151
Thanked 510 Times in 271 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $3335
Default

Difference Between Women And Men



1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.





3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.





4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.





5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... Is the beginning of a new argument.





6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.





8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.





9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.





10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.





11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.





12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
__________________
2002 Roadster
K&N Air Filter
Borla Exhaust
thecornerman is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to thecornerman For This Useful Post:
Reply

The Vette Barn > Off Topic/Babes/Other > Off Topic


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 1:55pm.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2021 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2009 - 2021 The Vette Barn


Support the Barn:
 
Download the Mobile App;
 
Follow us on Facebook:

Become a Stall Owner

 

Apple iOS App        Google Android App

 

Visit our Facebook page