|
Off Topic Off Topic - General non-Corvette related discussion. |
|
Share | Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
01-06-2020, 11:56am | #1 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Down the Shore,New Jersey Elev.3 feet.
Posts: 18,588
Thanks: 4,583
Thanked 11,007 Times in 5,137 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1007997
|
Irish Jokes
Excommunicated
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ------------------------------------------------------------ Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?' 'I'll try!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' ------------------------------------------------------------ Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! ------------------------------------------------------------ Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.' ------------------------------------------------------------ A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' ------------------------------------------------------------ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket." The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!' |
||||||
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to 04 commemorative For This Useful Post: |
01-06-2020, 12:13pm | #2 | ||||||
Due to inflation they are no longer free
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: In some people's minds
Posts: 37,050
Thanks: 22,674
Thanked 25,761 Times in 10,033 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $324490
|
I got as far as. Excommunicated
|
||||||
The Following User Says Thank You to Anjdog2003 For This Useful Post: |
01-06-2020, 12:30pm | #3 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Matthews, NC
Posts: 17,099
Thanks: 6,250
Thanked 21,831 Times in 9,168 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $311064
|
I read them...
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 1:18pm | #4 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Down the Shore,New Jersey Elev.3 feet.
Posts: 18,588
Thanks: 4,583
Thanked 11,007 Times in 5,137 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1007997
|
|
||||||
The Following User Says Thank You to 04 commemorative For This Useful Post: |
01-06-2020, 1:24pm | #5 | ||||||
Chief Electrician
Barn Stall Owner #7734 Bantayan Kids '15
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The corner of Cease Rd. and Desist St.
Posts: 44,434
Thanks: 17,041
Thanked 33,678 Times in 13,638 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $107478
|
|
||||||
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Aerovette For This Useful Post: |
01-06-2020, 1:25pm | #6 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Down the Shore,New Jersey Elev.3 feet.
Posts: 18,588
Thanks: 4,583
Thanked 11,007 Times in 5,137 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1007997
|
Now....that is very funny
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 1:31pm | #7 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,351
Thanks: 16
Thanked 3,145 Times in 1,332 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $18284
|
As a kind soul of Irish decent, I find this thread to be unoffensive. . Carry on.
|
||||||
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Egnalf For This Useful Post: |
01-06-2020, 1:44pm | #8 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: SouthEast Tn.
Posts: 6,999
Thanks: 1,665
Thanked 9,866 Times in 3,759 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $856744
|
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 3:46pm | #9 | ||||||
Due to inflation they are no longer free
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: In some people's minds
Posts: 37,050
Thanks: 22,674
Thanked 25,761 Times in 10,033 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $324490
|
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 3:58pm | #10 | ||||||
2020 Election Expert
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Big Sky Country... Where the men are men, the sheep are nervous, and the winters are LOOONG!!!
Posts: 32,394
Thanks: 22,332
Thanked 19,600 Times in 7,291 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1134156
|
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 4:08pm | #11 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,351
Thanks: 16
Thanked 3,145 Times in 1,332 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $18284
|
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 4:37pm | #12 | ||||||
Chief Electrician
Barn Stall Owner #7734 Bantayan Kids '15
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The corner of Cease Rd. and Desist St.
Posts: 44,434
Thanks: 17,041
Thanked 33,678 Times in 13,638 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $107478
|
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 4:40pm | #13 | ||||||
Barn Stall Owner #6969
NCM Supporter '11, '12,'17,'20
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere in GA
Posts: 25,178
Thanks: 11,314
Thanked 11,500 Times in 5,024 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1071547
|
Why was the wheelbarrow such a great invention?
It taught the Irish to walk upright. |
||||||
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to 69camfrk For This Useful Post: |
01-06-2020, 4:43pm | #14 | ||||||
2020 Election Expert
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Big Sky Country... Where the men are men, the sheep are nervous, and the winters are LOOONG!!!
Posts: 32,394
Thanks: 22,332
Thanked 19,600 Times in 7,291 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1134156
|
|
||||||
01-06-2020, 7:04pm | #15 | ||||||
A Real Barner
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 1,255
Thanks: 686
Thanked 853 Times in 359 Posts
Gameroom Barn Bucks: $1604
|
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking Space. “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!” —————- A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass. He says: “So what’s bothering you?” She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” “Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.” |
||||||
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to IrishSpuds For This Useful Post: |
|
|
Support the Barn: |
Download the Mobile App; |
Follow us on Facebook: |
||