Dating 102: The Advanced Course

[Iron Chef]

Allright...I had to do this. Call it a public service. Call it a rant. Call it what you want. I have exposed myself to the wonderful world of Match.com. After 20 years of marriage and nearly 3 years in a relationship, I thought I'd seen all manner of F'd up. And this time, I promised myself that I'm gonna be damn sure that I get a little more data on the person I'm with in order to (hopefully) reduce the chances of me becoming a full-time sounding board, psychiatrist and babysitter.

I've put together a list of do's and dont's that you may use either for future dating reference or for the entertainment value at your next party. I've had to deal with all of these scenarios in some form or another, and I know I'm opening myself up for more ridicule than Unique Doug at a gay bar, but here goes:

1) Be honest with yourself when writing your profile. Is it easier for you to walk on two legs or be carted around on a pallet jack? There's a pallet jack loving guy out there, it's just not me.

2) Unless you're in the photos, don't post photos of your kids, your dogs, your backyard, some guys at a bar (consider this one carefully), birds, flowers, wildlife, moutains, the Eiffel Tower, pastries you made, your car, the junk in your car, etc. If I decide you're the right person for me, there's plenty of time for the slideshow later on. Photos of you in the endzone taken from the 50 yard line don't count either. If I can't make out what you look like, an alarm bell goes off in my head that says there's an excellent chance that you more closely resemble Larry "Bud" Melman than Christie Brinkley. High school photos? Forget it. We all know how the homecoming queen usually fares after 25 years.

3) Learn to READ and UNDERSTAND the profile of the individual you're considering. If the person says "No smokers, period" and you're a smoker, don't contact them. Comprehension is everything, and no...mint gum doesn't hide the fact that you had 3 Marlboro's before meeting me (the fact that your teeth are closer to Competition Yellow than white is also a dead giveaway). "Social Drinker" means you responsibly enjoy a cocktail now and then at happy hour or some wine with dinner. It does NOT mean you have the ability to plow through a 12-pack in the course of an afternoon. And I don't care if you do look a lot like a Hooter Girl: "non-religious" probably means that I will NOT be accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior anytime soon.

4) Make sure that when you contact someone, the person is really someone you think you'd like to be with. If you're only so-so about the profile, don't bother. This isn't FreeDinner.com.

5) I'm here...presumably...to get to know YOU, so NO, it's not ok if a friend or two comes with you on a date. Unless of course your friends are Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz and they're bringing a gallon of vegetable oil to the party.

6) Don't belabor your date with endless tales of "what a great guy my ex-boyfriend was" or anything similar. Sweetie, I hate to burst your bubble, but I really don't care if your ex gave Jonas Salk the formula for the polio vaccine. Despite the fact that some men can be very patient, we really don't want to hear about your various ex's and all the things they did. If you're still hung up on an ex, I'm hangin' up on you.

7) At this age, you should be fully aware of how much alcohol you can handle. Despite the possible "fun factor," turning yourself into a wobbling, card-carrying, open-all-night drunk on your first date with someone is gonna make you look like a class-A idiot. And to be honest, I don't want to be associated with your king-sized "oh sh!t moment" when you sober up.

8) Guys...for chrissakes be smart. First meeting should be drinks. Or coffee. Or maybe lunch. That way, if you do wind up sitting across the table from said class-A idiot (or, if "a few extra pounds" turns out to be "a few DOZEN extra pounds") you'll know that this particular trip through hell will only last about an hour. When you're a hour into a dinner date, the eject handle is damn hard to find.

Wow. I feel so much better now that I know I may have saved someone a lot of grief, or at least a trip to the emergency room.

[Lowcash]

I met my girl on Match.com and she matched her picture and her profile.

oh ... and I took her to dinner on the 1st meeting.

and ... I didn't tell her about the C5 until a month later.

[Sneaks]

There's someone out there for ya Chef. Just like finding the right combo of intake, heads, cam, headers, and exhaust. It takes some good information, and lots of trial and error.

In the meantime, let's hear some of the horror stories man!

[Z06PDQ]

that would make a great profile, Mike.

[Broken Wind]

Originally Posted by Iron Chef

[SIZE=2]7) At this age, you should be fully aware of how much alcohol you can handle. Despite the possible "fun factor," turning yourself into a wobbling, card-carrying, open-all-night drunk on your first date with someone is gonna make you look like a class-A idiot.

I see you ran across my ex wife. She's been on every dating site ever created for the past ten years.

[kylebuck]

meh sounds like college

[Defib1961]

Originally Posted by joebuck

meh sounds like college

Joe you should remember, the animal husbandry courses you took don't count as family planning courses.

[BuckyThreadkiller]

Animal husbandry sounds right, tho.

From the jist of Chef's post his last adventure drank like a fish, looked like a moose and ordered the lobster.

[Defib1961]

Originally Posted by BuckyThreadkiller

Animal husbandry sounds right, tho.

From the jist of Chef's post his last adventure drank like a fish, looked like a moose and ordered the lobster.

The only thing worse would have been if she smelled like bacon, squealed like a pig and rolled in mud. Which would have made her my ex mother in law.

[Munch]

That list smacks of hard earned experience! Keep thy chin up there's bound to be a decent one in there somewhere. I tried the "Internet Dating" thing before and you are totally right about trying to find the eject handle, more than once I found myself praying a stray bullet would come through a window and take one of us out.

[Iron Chef]

Originally Posted by BuckyThreadkiller

From the jist of Chef's post his last adventure drank like a fish, looked like a moose and ordered the lobster.

I have to be honest...she was damn cute. But there's something really unappealing about being in a bar and having to stand between your date and another woman to prevent them from nearly coming to blows with each other because your date hasn't got control of her faculties and is acting stupid.

If there was mud or hot oil available, it might have turned out differently.

Yes Kimosabe...it was that kinda night.

[oyealiz]

Yep. I know your pain! Someone needs to link my application to date thread on CFOT from a couple of years ago.

[Kevin_73]

Originally Posted by oyealiz

Yep. I know your pain! Someone needs to link my application to date thread on CFOT from a couple of years ago.

I even filled out your application when you posted that, and you completely ignored it.

Two years later and look at us now.

[jeff w]

this is why i stick to Real Dolls. if trees had vaginas men would feck the trees and throw rocks at the wimmenz

[oyealiz]

Originally Posted by Kevin_73

I even filled out your application when you posted that, and you completely ignored it.

Two years later and look at us now.

I didn't ignore you. I was running a background check.

[MEC5LADY]

Originally Posted by Kevin_73

I even filled out your application when you posted that, and you completely ignored it.

Two years later and look at us now.

Awwwww so cute..... you two need to get a room. Oh wait never mind I believe you already have one.....

[wwomanC6]

You could be so lucky like my husband and have women on the dating website offer to do a striptease using a web cam! We were still happily married, part of the reason I kicked his ass to the curb!

[MEC5LADY]

Mike I'm sure the next date will go better.

[Iron Chef]

Originally Posted by wwomanC6

You could be so lucky like my husband and have women on the dating website offer to do a striptease using a web cam!

I can fix my date up with him if you like.

Originally Posted by MEC5LADY

Mike I'm sure the next date will go better.

No thanks. I'm done. I bought a long robe, sandals, a copy of the movie "Name of the Rose" and a plane ticket to Tibet.

[MEC5LADY]

Originally Posted by Iron Chef

No thanks. I'm done. I bought a long robe, sandals, a copy of the movie "Name of the Rose" and a plane ticket to Tibet.

Awww don't say that. I am sure you will find someone when you least expect it. BTW, women don't like men who wear sandals and socks so you might want to skip that part of the outfit.