I need a vasectomy; suggestions?

[Bruze]

Just kidding, had one a long time ago.

[Louie Detroit]

Best Vasectomy Jokes

Did you hear about the man who had a vasectomy because he didn’t want to have kids?
But when he came back home, they were still there.

John thought a vasectomy wouldn’t get his wife pregnant.
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

What does a man who’s have a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Alpaca.
(Alpaca who?)
Alpaca the ice, you just got snipped and need to take it easy for a while!

Did you hear about the wife who made her husband promise to stop making stupid jokes?
So he got a vasectomy.

Wife: You got a vasectomy without even telling me. Are you serious?
Husband: I am not kidding you.

Do you know that the vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides?
His original instructions were as follows: “Euclipides nuts.”

What does a king call a vasectomy?
An heir cut.

What do you call a cheap vasectomy?
A bloody ripoff.

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy?
He got the sack.

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.
They were publicly desemenated.

A man went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.
The doctor said, “This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”
He said, “Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3..”

What did the balls yell at the penis after the vasectomy?
“You’re nutting without me!”

Recommended: Penis Jokes

Did you hear about the wife who wants to prove she’s brave enough to get a vasectomy?
He husband told her that she doesn’t have the balls to do it.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.

What is the title for a movie about a man who is going to get his vasectomy reversed?
Scrotal Recall!

How does a guy prove he’s tough?
He jogs home after his vasectomy.

Derren’s lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked him to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if they did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren’t man haters!
For six months now they’ve been trying but Derren just doesn’t have the heart to tell them that he had a vasectomy last year.

Why did the old black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
“Cause if I gonna be impotent, I better look impotent, too.”

What do vasectomies and breathalyzers have in common?
The goal is to blow a zero.

What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger gets his vasectomy reversed?
Scrotal re-ball.

Why was the topologist confident about performing a vasectomy?
Because open balls are in his neighborhood.

How does sex change for a man before and after a vasectomy?
You won’t notice a vas deferens.

A redneck couple had had enough after the birth of their ninth child since they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and requested that his dog be snipped. “Me’n my cousin don’t want no more kids.”
The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. “There is a cheaper option,” said the vet. “Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up, and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”
“I ain’t no rocket surgeon,” said the redneck, “but how’s that gonna help me?”
“Trust me,” said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:
“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”
Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

What do you call a discount on circumcision and vasectomy at the same time?
A package deal.

What do you call the testicles of a man who’s had a vasectomy?
Seedless grapes.

What kind of street does a vasectomy urologist live on?
A cul-de-sac.

Two women are discussing their love lives.
Jo says, “I have to be careful not to get pregnant.”
Jenny looks confused, “But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy.”
“He did,” says Jo. “That’s why I need to be extra careful.”

What do you call a trombone player who’s had a vasectomy?
A eunuchorn!

What state is a man in after their vasectomy?
Neva-da.

What do you call when a man from a royal family gets a vasectomy?
Nobles (No balls).

An artist’s wife starts having sex with him daily.
While a bit unusual, he didn’t question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.
“Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?”
“Of course!” he replied. “What would you like me to draw?”
“What do you think our baby will look like.”
He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.
“What the hell is this?” she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no visible wounds.
“I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!” she repeated.
“And I got a vasectomy five years ago,” he said. “So I drew a blank.”

[Onebadcad]

Don't go to Shakey Joe!!

[04 commemorative]

A man goes to get a vasectomy dressed it a Tuxedo so the doctor asks him why he is dressed like that.
Man replies....well.....If I'm gonna be impotent I might as well look impotent !

[Bruze]

Originally Posted by Louie Detroit

Best Vasectomy Jokes

Did you hear about the man who had a vasectomy because he didn’t want to have kids?
But when he came back home, they were still there.

<SNIP>

“I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!” she repeated.
“And I got a vasectomy five years ago,” he said. “So I drew a blank.”

TL;DR

[Bruze]

Originally Posted by Onebadcad

Don't go to Shakey Joe!!

I actually went to "Dr. Stopp," a real vas doc/surgeon in Rochester NY, and a long-standing joke in the region.

He has since retired, and most likely has been dead for some time.

[Vandelay Industries]

I considered a vasectomy, but when my doc told me he charges by the inch, I decided it was cheaper to keep having kids.

[Bill]

You should contact @Sea Six. As I recall, he was doing procedures like that for half off. Wouldn't hurt to at least get a quote.

[Defib1961]

Walmart sells an at home vasectomy kit. Consists of a variety of sizes of rubber bands and a weeks worth of whiskey

[Louie Detroit]

Originally Posted by 04 commemorative

A man goes to get a vasectomy dressed it a Tuxedo so the doctor asks him why he is dressed like that.
Man replies....well.....If I'm gonna be impotent I might as well look impotent !

You know that joke works much better when more specifics are supplied about the man.

[Bill]

Originally Posted by Defib1961

Walmart sells an at home vasectomy kit. Consists of a variety of sizes of rubber bands and a weeks worth of whiskey

Walmart does not sell liquor in Texas, certainly not for lack of trying by Walmart. It's crazy how one of the most powerful companies in the country can't break Texas' crony capitalism when it comes to liquor distribution.

https://www.texastribune.org/2020/11...almart-liquor/

Texans still can’t buy liquor in Walmart, after U.S. Supreme Court rejects bid

Texas is the only state that does not let publicly traded companies, like Walmart, sell liquor.
by Stacy Fernández
Nov. 24, 2020
11 AM Central
Share
Republish
An employee at a Walmart in Brownsville works the cash register.
An employee at a Walmart in Brownsville works the cash register. Credit:
Delcia Lopez for The Texas Tribune

Texans still won’t be able to purchase liquor at Walmart, after the U.S. Supreme Court rejected a bid by the retail giant that would have allowed the booze to be sold at stores in the state.

Texas is the only state in the nation that does not allow publicly traded companies, like Walmart Inc., to obtain liquor permits — but they are allowed to sell beer and wine.

Walmart claims the law is discriminatory and has argued that 98% of liquor stores in the state are owned by Texans.

Turned away by the nation’s highest court, Walmart will now have to prove intentional discrimination before a federal trial court.

Lawyers for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said the law is in place to make liquor less readily available and curb its consumption.

“The law precludes large corporations from using their economies of scale to lower liquor prices and increase the density of liquor outlets in the State. This approach has served Texas well — it has consistently ranked among the States with the lowest per capita liquor consumption,” lawyers for the commission stated.

This is the latest of a multi-year legal duel over Texas’ liquor laws. In 2015, Walmart sued the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission in federal court in Austin. The company argued state liquor laws unfairly gave family-owned chains the right to obtain unlimited liquor store permits while shutting the largest U.S. retailer out of the lucrative market entirely.

In a sweeping 50-page opinion in 2018, U.S. District Judge Robert Pitman sided with Walmart, ruling that provisions of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code violated both the Commerce Clause and the 14th Amendment guarantee of equal protection under the law.

If publicly traded companies are eventually allowed to sell hard liquor, the existing law would still require that they build separate facilities, though they can be adjacent to existing stores.

Texas just can't let go of Blue Laws, no matter how hard it tries.......

[Bruze]

Originally Posted by bill_daniels

Walmart does not sell liquor in Texas, certainly not for lack of trying by Walmart. It's crazy how one of the most powerful companies in the country can't break Texas' crony capitalism when it comes to liquor distribution.

Can't here in NYS either. Only licensed liquor stores can sell it. But they're open 7 days a week so not really an issue.

Plus, if you pick up some hot babe at 2 AM with a wet ***** and you don't have enough liquor at home, if you know the bar owner, he can "loan" you a bottle.

Or so I've heard.

[04 commemorative]

Originally Posted by Louie Detroit

You know that joke works much better when more specifics are supplied about the man.

I know, I know.....I was trying to be polite I guess

[Bill]

<<<<<<<I guess mine would be surprisingly affordable then.

Originally Posted by Vandelay Industries

I considered a vasectomy, but when my doc told me he charges by the inch, I decided it was cheaper to keep having kids.



Attachment 90817

[higgyburners]

Originally Posted by Bruze

I actually went to "Dr. Stopp," a real vas doc/surgeon in Rochester NY, and a long-standing joke in the region.

He has since retired, and most likely has been dead for some time.

I did my own with some help from YouTube

[Bruze]

Originally Posted by higgyburners

I did my own with some help from YouTube

Haha, right.

[Frankie the Fink]

I had mine done in 1989, Doctor had the cutest young gal assisting. Local anesthetic I thought her prescience would get an embarrassing "rise" out of me, but when the ball-saw came out things quickly de-escalated.

[86RAG]

The doc that did mine had a great sense of humor. He told me not to worry about the procedure as it was a dinky little operation, and I would feel the balls afterwards! Absolutely true story, had my wife laughing her ass off!

[Bill]

https://thepostmillennial.com/women-...and-skyrockets

Women desperately seek unvaxed sperm on Facebook as demand skyrockets

Jonathan David Rinaldi created a sperm donation group to meet demands for "unvaccinated sperm donors."

Darian Douraghy
Nov 5, 2023

Women around the United States are now turning to unconventional strategies to become pregnant as aspiring mothers search for sperm donations from men who have refused to take a Covid-19 inoculation. The women are searching for this sperm on Facebook.

Jonathan David Rinaldi, also known as "The Sperminator," was a longtime donor for America's largest sperm donation group, a Facebook group called Sperm Donation USA, according to the Daily Mail. He later elected to leave the group and created his own sperm donation operation after he caught wind of the demand for "unvaccinated sperm donors."



Almost 250 people are members of the group, which has successfully managed to help people start families, per the report. Members include young professionals, gay couples and single women from both the US and UK, with most offering to donate sperm for free.

Rinaldi told the Daily Mail: "I don't trust big government, big pharma, I don't trust them, and I don't need to inject myself with things that I don't even know what it is."

An investigation by the British publication revealed that women have searched online for "unvaccinated sperm donors" and specifically say they want "no Covid vax" on posts looking for a potential donor.

A woman posted in the Sperm Donation USA Facebook group in July 2021 looking for unvaccinated sperm donors. 'AI' refers to artificial insemination, which involves a donor providing his sperm in a cup or shipping it to a recipient

Men who are participating in the action often label themselves with terms such as "unvaccinated man (sperm not modified by mRNA)."

A man who was conceived himself using sperm donation offers to be a sperm donor in the splinter Facebook group. Like others in the group, he believes the Covid vaccine will modify sperm

A post by a woman who had apparently been conceived by an "unvaccinated sperm donor" read: "One more 'farm-raised', 'not Pharma-raised' baby on its way!"

Rinaldi remarked that he has "had no flu shots, no Covid shots. Nothing since [he] was a baby."

"My best friend growing up was not vaccinated at all. And he is totally fine and healthy," he said.

"When I had my first child, I started reading the inserts and the ingredients. And when the school started saying my son had to have them... I really don't like being told what to do by the government, so it made me think and do the opposite."

Rinaldi said that he would only be donating to "unvaccinated" women in a "perfect world."

"But the reality of it is, not everybody believes in that. Not everybody's educated," he explained. "I would love it if no one got vaccinated."

Rinaldi did, however, inform a woman he was thinking about donating sperm to that he would cancel the process if she were to receive a Covid-19 booster shot.

"And I was like, 'Listen, if you get the booster, I'm not doing this for you. Like, it's bad enough, you have two of them,'" he reportedly said.

[BayouCountry]

Originally Posted by Bruze

Just kidding, had one a long time ago.

Bruze is just busting our balls.