Question for the step-parents out there

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by HeatherO

riiiight, she certainly looks like she's been working on something...not a car is my guess

go ahead and give her some of your goo

She said she likes my goo.

[Giraffe (He/Him)]

Originally Posted by vetterdstr

Do not at any time in your life marry somebody who already has kids.

Why not?

[snide]

Originally Posted by Thomas

Good grief. Some you parental units here are clueless. Not every woman with kids is a piece of shit looking for the gravy train. Some are, but not every damn one of them.

Yours unbelievably

Thomas

The one I married was.

[vetterdstr]

Originally Posted by Thomas

Why not?

Isn't this enough for you?

Originally Posted by syf350

cliffs....girl will think you hung the moon until about 13, then you're not her real daddy and you don't mean shit, then you'll kick her ass out at 18 or 19 for rebelling and you cant take it anymore. about 20 or 21 she'll grow up, realize you really did hang the moon and live happily ever after.

Originally Posted by OddBall

All of the above

Originally Posted by Will

Seriously. You're probably thinking, "not my kids, not my problem if we separate"


GUESS AGAIN. Consult an experienced family law attorney.


Mind my asking what state you live in?

Originally Posted by lspencer534

You have a tough road to hoe. The older the kids are, it becomes exponentially tougher to handle them or establish a relationship. Odds are overwhelming that you're going to be piece of furniture/garbage to them. They would have to be exceptional kids otherwise. Sorry...but good luck.

Originally Posted by snide

The one I married was.

[JRD77VET]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

I'm not a step parent, but I'll start it off with the serious advice:

1. Since you're considering marriage, I'll assume you've been around the child for some time. By far, the most serious problem with step children is disclipining, or more precisely, sho does the disclipining. You should not be the direct disclipinarian; that she be left to the mother, with full support from you. Discuss with her (the mother) what are the rules of the house. The step child must know that you aren't just the mother's husband; you are an authority figure.

2. Do not attempt to replace the child's biological father; it will save you from having unrealistic expectations about the level of closeness you have with the child. Relationships take a long time to build, andf the child may have feeling to sort through about developing a relationship with you; i.e., the child may feel like she's betraying her "real" daddy.

3. It's ideal to involve the biological father in his and your relationship with the child. That's going to be tough on your part, but take the high road--it's best for everyone.

4. Talk often with your wife about your relationship with the child. Remember that step children didn't get an opportunuity to chose whether they wanted a new family member (you), so help the child adapt.

5. Don't insist that the child call you "Dad"! And never, ever bad-mouth Dad in front of the child.

Larry's pretty damn close on this. My first marriage my ex had two kids, the boy was 7 and the girl 5 when we started dating.

add to #1
Let the kids know right away they will not "play" you against the other parent. You and your spouse must come to some type of agreement on discipline or you will be done before you even start.

add to #2 & #3
I let the kids know right away I was not there to replace their dad. I was their mom's new husband and was there to help them grow plus to support them. Things started out real shaky with myself and the "real" dad but I pulled him aside and explained that to him. After he saw ( thru my actions ) that I was truthful in that, we were friends.

Good luck

[vetteman9368]

a little more info for you guys. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. She's been divorced for a little over 2 years. Her daughter absolutely loves me to death, but i realize that can change. He dad is still a part of her life but he's a bare minimum kind of guy (long story, but that's a big reason they got divorced). He and I actually get along just fine, he's happy that i treat his little girl good.

[VatorMan]

Chad, only you can determine what relationship you will have with the Mom and daughter. A year and a half should go a long way to determine that. You can't trust or know everything. That's part of the fun. The great unknown.

[Aerovette]

Send me a PM if you want. I have 17 years experience as a step dad, but that's too much to type.



It's about an 80/20 good to bad ratio.

[oyealiz]

Originally Posted by aerovette

Send me a PM if you want. I have 17 years experience as a step dad, but that's too much to type.



It's about an 80/20 good to bad ratio.

And ya know, alot of parents don't have that good a ratio with their own kids.

Chad.....You know I wish you the best of luck, and at least both of you don't have ex spouses and children, as that can be an even tougher situation.

[PLRX]

Originally Posted by Will

PRE-NUP, PRE-NUP, PRE-NUP and DO NOT ADOPT the child.

I assume you watch enough TV shows, divorce court TV shows, divorced friends, family members and plenty of OT threads for you not to never ever adopt another man's child. If he is dead too bad.

Likely, you will divorce her anyway and then, you will have to pay child support for a kid that is not even yours.

Besides, once she reaches the teenage years and you start imposing house rules the famous "you are not father" line will come up.




frieds

Originally Posted by Petew1971

Unfortunately most women these days come with kids

Id say 99% of them have kids; the other 1% "he" has the custody.

[Aerovette]

Originally Posted by oyealiz

And ya know, alot of parents don't have that good a ratio with their own kids.

Chad.....You know I wish you the best of luck, and at least both of you don't have ex spouses and children, as that can be an even tougher situation.

After further consideration I would say it's more like 95/5. I have been VERY fortunate. No drinking, no drugs, no loser boyfriends, great grades and now in college.

It gets hairy with the dad still in the picture. That was a complication for sure. Good luck to you. Don't wait like too long like I did.

[dwjz06]

Originally Posted by vetteman9368

a little more info for you guys. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. She's been divorced for a little over 2 years. Her daughter absolutely loves me to death, but i realize that can change. He dad is still a part of her life but he's a bare minimum kind of guy (long story, but that's a big reason they got divorced). He and I actually get along just fine, he's happy that i treat his little girl good.

It is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Blending families. That said it has rewards at times too. Larry gave some good advice. Your lucky she is young. Gives you a lot of time to bond. About 8th grade and you will understand the anti kid statements good luck. Serious

[CP]

Run, Forrest, run!!!

[daynarankin]

Every relationship comes with its set of problems and its potential for trouble. You just have to decide if this woman and her child are worth it, and if yes, take on whatever comes your way.