September giggles........

[Kerrmudgeon]

Originally Posted by wwomanC6

What Canucks will be doing soon!

that's the polar bear butterfly!

They've already had serious snow out west. YIKES!

[Kerrmudgeon]

And just how stupid are you.....

YouTube (Short URL)

[Kerrmudgeon]

Blonds and golf.....

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."



It's a fact:

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.



A special celebration...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

[Kerrmudgeon]

Would you hire this guy.....

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.

Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

[Kerrmudgeon]

Q & A Before & After Marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE*
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady: Do you love me?
Man: Of course
Lady: Will you ever cheat me?
Man: Never in my life
Lady: Will you ever hug me?
Man: Every chance I get
Lady: Will you hit me?
Man: Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man: Yes
Lady: Sweet heart

*AFTER 25 YRS of MARRIAGE*
........ *Now Read from bottom to top*

[OddBall]

[Kerrmudgeon]

[Kerrmudgeon]

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know!

A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
(That explains a few mysteries....)

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages it.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries

The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better.

It is impossible to lick your elbow

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepte d practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the "honeymoon".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

[OddBall]

Originally Posted by Kerrmudgeon

Good ad.

[Kerrmudgeon]

[Kerrmudgeon]

The Hippie.

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"

.....

[Kerrmudgeon]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...and
Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.
Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,
I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Any night's good for me."

[Kerrmudgeon]

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

[Kerrmudgeon]

Some classic Rodney for a Saturday night. .....enjoy!

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