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Old 02-04-2017, 11:52pm   #1
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Default 20 Things You Only Understand If You’ve Deployed

I post this as humor and to give an insight into being deployed.

20 Things You Only Understand If You?ve Deployed

One of the greatest things about serving in the military is our “soldier sense of humor.” Different than other kinds of humor, it often functions as part of a larger pressure relief. Born of adversity, the imminent threat of violence, seriousness of purpose, and brotherhood, soldier humor helps military members make light of war, deployment, and monotony.

The military sense of humor is unlike any other brand, and is so unique that Reader’s Digest even publishes a regular column called “Humor in Uniform.” What’s interesting is that it has existed in armies across history, which uniquely bonds today’s troops with those who came before us. In the Civil War, northern soldiers often joked that “draft exemptions were only open to dead men who can establish proof of their demise by two reliable witnesses.” They dubbed their “hardtack” rations (essentially thick, pest-ridden saltine crackers) “worm hotels,” and decorated makeshift Christmas trees with them at the holidays. In World War II, Gen. George Patton was famous for saying he wanted to “piss in the Rhine,” and in March 1945, he did just that.

Today, a steady stream of this brand of comedy emanates from the many places we have established ourselves across the world. When I was deployed last year, several of my guys came up with the following “top 20” list. This was our brand of humor as we sweated it out in the harsh, dry CENTCOM sun. If you’ve been deployed, you can no doubt relate many of these, and can probably add more.

Here are the 20 things unique to deployment:

1 Millions of books nobody reads are everywhere, organized neatly on dusty shelves.

2 Every meal is twice as large as it needs to be, and only tastes good with Rip Its.

3 You can find palletized boxes of bottled water between every building and tent, and the top ones are usually torn open and falling apart.

4 Receiving mail makes you feel like a rock star, especially at Christmas.

5 Three letters: A-F-N.

6 Care packages usually consist of socks, dental floss, lotion, and enough sugar to kill a full grown man. And don’t forget DVDs and music, like “19th Century Zither Tunes of the Ozarks.”

7 Every holiday has so many decorations that you can’t see the building, desk, or hooch they’re displayed on.

8 Shipping containers are used for things you never knew possible.

9 Pogs instead of pennies.

10 There are more employees from Sri Lanka, India, and the Philippines than from the host nation.

11 More crap hauled to the area of responsibility than you need, Like, ten times as much. Who knew a guy needed six padlocks and four giant packs of Q-tips.

12 There’s a fine layer of dust in places you never knew existed.

13 If it isn’t made of canvas, it’s concrete, or it’s a glorified double-wide with a Mike Brady-paneled interior and a noisy, ice-cold air conditioner.

14 Gravel covers everything that isn’t tied down.

15 Everyone agrees that Green Beans coffee is better than Starbucks.

16 There’s not a pair of shower shoes on the planet that can protect you from down-range bathroom funk.

17 The smell of diesel exhaust permeates everything.

18 “The shelf.” If you’ve seen cadillac latrines, you know.

19 Homemade artwork on every retaining wall.

20 The nonstop white noise of generators and air conditioners (a.k.a. ECUs).
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Old 02-05-2017, 5:37am   #2
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Don't sound enjoyable to me. Thanks to all who do it.
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Old 02-05-2017, 7:34am   #3
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Don't sound enjoyable to me. Thanks to all who do it.
Although the ME sucks, and I never want to see that part of the world again, there is absolute truth in all of those. Some shit is down right amusing, and in many cases just nasty. In the Cadillac's especially. Nothing like taking a shower, looking down where the water is starting to back up and realize a "desert jellyfish" has made its way up the drain. I went into a Cadillac one time, was hanging my towel up, getting ready to get in the shower stall, whereupon I realized someone with explosive diarrhea had done a 360 sweep of the stall. Nasty bastards.......
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Old 02-05-2017, 10:34am   #4
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Although the ME sucks, and I never want to see that part of the world again, there is absolute truth in all of those. Some shit is down right amusing, and in many cases just nasty. In the Cadillac's especially. Nothing like taking a shower, looking down where the water is starting to back up and realize a "desert jellyfish" has made its way up the drain. I went into a Cadillac one time, was hanging my towel up, getting ready to get in the shower stall, whereupon I realized someone with explosive diarrhea had done a 360 sweep of the stall. Nasty bastards.......
Speaking of showers, KBR employees dgaf about you being in the middle of an already shortened shower. Per base policy, showers will be no longer than three minutes. Well, that's the official order anyway. I never timed myself. So, ole KBR boy comes to work on the 'lectric or put more water in the home sized container and will turn your shit off in a heart beat. He gives absolutely no fukks which means he drives up, steps out, turns the water off, smokes a cigarette, plays his Fred Flintstone era flip phone game, and waits for a bit before beginning whatever he's gonna do. Your complaining to him and/or his bosses is met with the same glassy eyed wonderment as asking what is 2+2. The fellas do get extra credit for finding a stick and scratching in the sand trying to figure out the total.

In addition to Cadillacs, which are small trailers mounted with any combo of showers, sinks, toilets, and urinals, there are plenty more Port-O-Pottys. Port-O-Potty's are cleaned by TCNs, Third Country Nationals. They're from the aforementioned countries. They drive a Bob Truck with a water container on back. There's also some chemical that gets mixed with the water. Evidently, the chemical is a cleaner of some type. Who knows, it could be left over liquid from a heavy metal tailing pond or radiated water from a nuke plant. Whatever it is, the procedure involves grabbing the hose, walking over to the Port-O-Potty, flinging open the door, and start spraying everything with the high pressure created by the pump connected to the tranny. When I say everything, I mean everything and that includes the toilet paper if there is any. You best not be anywhere near the work area since the spray shoots out of the cracks of the Port-O-Potty or just a plain ole wild movement with the hose. The spray of the water and chemical also carries additional "items" by the pressure. Bonus points are awarded for ole boy to use one hand for the hose and one hand for the mystery meat sammich he's chewing on.

'Multiple' failures led to Iraq electrocution, Pentagon says - CNN.com

Cliffs, KBR dgaf 'bout no 'lectric and nine lives are lost.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- A Green Beret sergeant was electrocuted in Iraq in 2008 because of failures by the U.S. military and a major defense contractor, which did not properly ground and inspect electrical equipment, according to a Pentagon report out Monday.

Nine of 18 electrocution deaths reported in Iraq were caused by "improper grounding or faulty equipment," including the January 2008 death of Staff Sgt. Ryan Maseth, the Defense Department's inspector-general found.

Investigations remain open in five of those cases, according to a summary of the report obtained by CNN.

The new report concluded that "multiple systems and organizations failed," leaving Maseth "exposed to unacceptable risk."

The decorated soldier from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was electrocuted in a shower at a U.S. base in Baghdad that once served as one of Saddam Hussein's palaces.

The report found that a water pump installed by military contractor KBR was not grounded, leading to Maseth's electrocution when it short-circuited.

It found that Maseth's commanders failed to ensure that renovations to the palace had been properly done, the Army did not set standards for jobs or contractors, and KBR did not ground electrical equipment it installed at the facility.

The Houston, Texas-based company has defended its performance in the war zone from extensive criticism by Congress and has argued that it was not to blame for any fatalities.

In a statement issued Monday afternoon, it said it had not seen the Pentagon report and would not comment.

Shoddy wiring everywhere, Army inspector says
"While the death of Staff Sgt. Maseth was tragic, KBR continues to maintain that it was not responsible for his death," company spokeswoman Heather Browne said. "The building in which Staff Sgt. Maseth lived was built by Iraqi and other contractors under the previous Iraqi leadership."

Brown said the building, "like many other pre-existing buildings in Iraq, had not been grounded or bonded by the contractors who built the structure," and she said KBR had warned the military about the hazard nine months before Maseth died.

"Prior to that incident, the military never directed KBR to repair, upgrade or improve the grounding system in the building in which Maseth resided, nor was KBR directed to perform any preventive maintenance at this facility," Browne said.

But Maseth's mother, who has filed suit against KBR in her son's death, said she was "pleased" by the findings.

"The results are revealing and contrary to what KBR and its president have continuously stated over the past year," Cheryl Harris said. "On that note, the DOD IG report states that KBR installed the water pump that killed my son, a point that KBR has flatly denied over the past year."

Maseth's death led to congressional hearings in 2008 and demands for a full investigation by the military, which resulted in the report out Monday.

Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey, who pushed for the investigation, said Monday's report should not be the end of the process.

"We cannot stop with the publication of this report alone," the Democrat said in a written statement. "Those who failed to carry out their contractual obligations in a way that contributed to the death of a U.S. soldier should be held fully accountable for their negligence."

Another report is being prepared by the Army's Criminal Investigation Division, Casey said.

Maseth's family and that of Christopher Everett, another soldier mentioned in the report, have sued KBR over their deaths.

Everett, an Army sergeant, was electrocuted in 2005 while using a power washer at an American base outside Ramadi.

Other deaths the inspector-general's report found were caused by faulty electrical equipment or improper grounding include the death of Army Spc. Marvin Campo-Siles in April 2004 in Samarra; Spc. Chase Whitham, May 2004, in Mosul; Spc. Marcus Nolasco, also May 2004, in Baiji; Marine Pfc. Brian Cutter, in Fallujah, the same month; Navy Hospital Corpsman 3rd Class David Cedergren, killed in Iskandariya in September 2004; Sgt. Michael Montpetit, who died in Baghdad in June 2007; and Sohan Singh, a private contractor killed in Fallujah in July 2005.

In March, a top Army inspector said that thousands of buildings on U.S. bases in Iraq and Afghanistan have such poorly installed wiring that American troops face life-threatening risks.

Jim Childs, a master electrician and the top civilian expert in an Army safety survey, said problems were "everywhere" in Iraq, where 18 U.S. troops have died by electrocution since 2003. The nine electrocutions not caused by faulty grounding were caused by other electrical accidents, such as contact with live power lines. E-mail to a friend E-mail to a friend | Mixx it | Share
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Old 02-05-2017, 10:55am   #5
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I guess we are lucky we never got zapped!! I'm surprised none of those trailers at the Deid which were "temporary" haven't gone up in flames. We've been in those things since 2003. I think they had a 3 year shelf life. The air conditioners in your room had enough black mold growing to kill a mule. Nope, don't miss it.....
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:07am   #6
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It has been nearly 50 years since my deployment to VN. Many of the things listed are familiar ... some not so much. I would have loved to have AC in our living quarters. We had plenty of fuel and ammo, but always out of some other necessary items ... like fresh produce or beef. I got so tired of eating chicken and turkey, it took years before I could stand to eat them at home.
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:19am   #7
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I guess we are lucky we never got zapped!! I'm surprised none of those trailers at the Deid which were "temporary" haven't gone up in flames. We've been in those things since 2003. I think they had a 3 year shelf life. The air conditioners in your room had enough black mold growing to kill a mule. Nope, don't miss it.....
I never stayed in those. I have heard plenty of stories of the black mold and other problems. Those little shacks are getting old and need to be piled up and burned. Of course, that would take funds and effort for the removal and replacement. It's much easier to hand troops spray bottles with a little bleach and water mixture.
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:19am   #8
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It has been nearly 50 years since my deployment to VN. Many of the things listed are familiar ... some not so much. I would have loved to have AC in our living quarters. We had plenty of fuel and ammo, but always out of some other necessary items ... like fresh produce or beef. I got so tired of eating chicken and turkey, it took years before I could stand to eat them at home.
I knew it was time for me to retire when they quit serving bacon in the ME because it offended the muzzies. Who the hell wants to be involved in any conflict with no bacon....
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:31am   #9
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It has been nearly 50 years since my deployment to VN. Many of the things listed are familiar ... some not so much. I would have loved to have AC in our living quarters. We had plenty of fuel and ammo, but always out of some other necessary items ... like fresh produce or beef. I got so tired of eating chicken and turkey, it took years before I could stand to eat them at home.
Truth. I've heard some stories about you fellas conditions. Our comforts got much better each time with Desert Storm and then Iraq/Afghanistan. We now have internet and tv among plenty of other things. There's many ways to talk with family on a regular basis and that includes live video too. Hell, even ole Haji selling bootleg DVDs of movies that are still in theaters. Further, a Med-Evac mission showed up one early morning with 13 half gallons of milk direct from Ramstein. After only having that UHT cardboard tasting stuff for a while, the half gallon I had was damn gooooood
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:48am   #10
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my closest story is from Antarctica, early 90s. back then the Navy still ran about 1/2 the functions, so there were a good amount of them around doing their Navy stuff. and we got their media programming on the local radio signal. back then it was Armed Forces Radio and Television Service - AFRTS - A Farts. soon thereafter changed to AFN - Armed Forces Network. kind of liked A Farts.

fresh food? the last plane left in February, the next plane you saw was June for mid-winter air drop, and then next plane to land was August. if it wasn't on base, you didn't eat it.
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Old 02-05-2017, 12:07pm   #11
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I always wondered what type of food they used aboard the Nuclear subs ... I'm guessing a lot of frozen or cans of food. Maybe dehydrated food for some things?

I bet fresh food was a high priority once back in port.
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Old 02-05-2017, 1:34pm   #12
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I found this humorous Deployment List just now....


How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head. When you are awakened, the first thing many males want to do is relieve themselves in the Port-O-Potty. But you're under attack and leaving your shelter is bad ju-ju. What's a fella to do? Ohhhhh, you have an empty water bottle. All good now.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. (Frank from Pakistan will also do.)

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
Truth. Meals in the KBR chow hall were prepared by fellas such as "George" from Sri Lanka. Two weeks previous, he'd never heard of Chicken Alfredo. Yet, there he was preparing the meal for 10k of his newest and best customers.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
The laundry is returned and put in boxes sorted by alphabetical order. So, last name beginning with N will be placed in the box for K-R for example. My last begins with N, I once found my laundry in the last box. At least all my laundry was there that time. Which then leads me to ask how did the TCN get uniform pants.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

41. (I added this one) You can go to the store. You can get anything you want as long as it's Life Savers Mint flavored candy and Starkist Tuna in packages. Drinks are Cokes and Gatorade. Chocolate such as M&Ms, Snickers, or Hersheys do come in but you best be there when the truck arrives with three cases for a base of 25k people. Happy Shopping!
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Old 02-05-2017, 1:41pm   #13
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Old 02-05-2017, 2:04pm   #14
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You forgot aluminum foil to black out your room and empty gatorade bottles to piss in. The walk to the Cadillac during daylight hours after a 14 hour night shift is a killer!! Oh, and ambien will make you talk to your shitty cheeseburger from the chow hall. Saw that personally!!!
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Old 02-05-2017, 2:21pm   #15
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You forgot aluminum foil to black out your room and empty gatorade bottles to piss in. The walk to the Cadillac during daylight hours after a 14 hour night shift is a killer!! Oh, and ambien will make you talk to your shitty cheeseburger from the chow hall. Saw that personally!!!


I never had to do the aluminum trick. The tents could get pretty dark and the B-Huts weren't too bad for light. Once upon a time, I ended up with a former storage room converted to a private room. It was inside a warehouse with my a/c-heater exhausting into the warehouse. The warehouse had doors that sealed up pretty well so even sandstorms didn't bother my a/c-heater. And yea, walking during a bright day as a night shifter made for stumbling and squinting for sure. My safety net was just a normal water bottle. I'd always clear out the evidence on my walk into work. Now imagine how many water/Gatorade bottles are lying in the desert garbage dump with what looks like apple juice.
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Old 02-05-2017, 3:06pm   #16
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Don't eat MRE's in the dessert if you've ever had a bowl obstruction.
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Old 02-05-2017, 3:33pm   #17
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Don't eat MRE's in the dessert if you've ever had a bowl obstruction.
Tell the truth here...you loved the green eggs and ham MRE's. Um..I mean omelette's!
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Old 02-05-2017, 3:50pm   #18
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Oh yea...Quite a few taste good until you've been medivacted on a Huey chopper from Djibouti to Qatar to a mash unit for emergency surgery in a tent in the dessert!
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Old 02-05-2017, 4:51pm   #19
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Oh yea...Quite a few taste good until you've been medivacted on a Huey chopper from Djibouti to Qatar to a mash unit for emergency surgery in a tent in the dessert!


Dizzzammmm.
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Old 02-05-2017, 5:03pm   #20
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I knew it was time for me to retire when they quit serving bacon in the ME because it offended the muzzies. Who the hell wants to be involved in any conflict with no bacon....
They tried pulling that crap when I was deployed the last time. TCNs didn't want to touch bacon. Local FSS commander was about to pull the pin, Wing Commander steps in...exact quote, "they can wear ****ing gloves". We got bacon.
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