Roll out the St. Paddy's Day jokes!

[lspencer534]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "By Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No damn way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He pulls himself up and falls into bed.
The
next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."

***********

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

'Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror...."

[Jobaka]

Two Irishmen walk past a pub.

[CertInsaneC5]

[LilRedCorvette]

Q: How many beans in an Irish soup?

A: Two farty.


(240...get it?)

[MrPeabody]

An Irishman is drinking in a bar in New York City. One of the locals asks him where he's from and when he says Dublin, the New Yorker asks him about the local pubs there. "Oh, this is a nice place here, but at my local pub, you can drink all night and everyone else will pay for your drinks, and then you get to go upstairs and have sex all night with multiple partners."

"I find that hard to believe", said the New Yorker. "Has that ever actually happened to you?"

"No", said the Irishman, "But it happened to me sister."

[Rotorhead]

Originally Posted by LilRedCorvette

Q: How many beans in an Irish soup?

A: Two farty.


(240...get it?)

[Giraffe (He/Him)]

WATCH IT FUCKHEAD. THATS MY BIRTHDAY YOU ARE SCREWING WITH IN THIS THREAD!

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by Thomas

WATCH IT FUCKHEAD. THATS MY BIRTHDAY YOU ARE SCREWING WITH IN THIS THREAD!

AND THAT MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER!

[Jeff '79]

Have you heard of the two Irish homosexuals, Thomas Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzthomas ?

[Aerovette]

What's Irish and stays outside no matter what the weather?

Patty O'Furniture

[kingpin]

I thought being Irish was a joke.

[JRD77VET]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.



“So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"



"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.



“Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."


“I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[mtp]

Do you know why god invented alcohol........

To keep the Irishman from taking over the world

[F40]

These r gold

[73sbVert]

So, Mary comes walking into her church to see her priest, Father O'Malley.

She says "Father, me 'usband Seamus passed away last night."

Father O'Malley says "Oh Mary, I'm very sorry to hear that!! Did he have any last words?"

Mary replies "Why yes Father, he did. He said 'Mary, put down the gun!' "

[86RAG]

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[boracayjohnny]

[lspencer534]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[JRD77VET]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

“That’s what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim... "How did it happen, Tim?"

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[MrPeabody]

Do you know why the Irish always fight each other?

Because there is no other worthy adversary.