An update on my death...

[lspencer534]

Yep...I passed away a week ago today. It was sudden; well, it certainly caught me by surprise! One minute I'm walking to my car, the next they're doing an autopsy and then embalming me. Did you know they ties a string around your pecker to keep the formaldehyde from seeping out? Remember that.

The funeral was attended by more people than I would've thought. I never eealized I was so popular...or maybe they were celebrating my death. WGARA at this stage. The eulogy was weird: I wish I knew who the feck they were talking about. It certaily wasn't me.

The trip to the grave site was...interesting. The Messican driver noticed that he was almost out of gas, so he stopped for a fill-up. Then of course he had to catch up with the procession. We arrived just after everyone else had stopped at the cemetary. Pedro (or whoever) was speeding, so he slid into the rear of a parked car.

The rebound popped open the rear door of the hearse, and my casket came flying out. When it hit the ground, the casket opened. People were mortified, but I thought it was pretty damned funny!

They stuffed me back in the casket, said some adioses, and lowered me into the ground. Now here's what you need to know: Every casket has a Smart phone in it with a life-time (HA!) battery. You use the phone to select options. The options are, "If you go to Heaven", "If you go to Hell", and "Neither of the above". You have to press 1 for English, of course.

You see, I figured out that there are waiting lines for Heaven and Hell, and getting there takes a while...months, maybe years. There are lots of apps on the phone to entertain you. Initially, you take virtual tours of Heaven and Hell, making housing selections, etc. When you get to this stage in your life...er, death, do not take the virtual tour of the BDSM section of Hell! Whoa!

Back to your options: I find it very interesting that you can choose neither Heaven nor Hell. If you choose that option, the web site says you will be immediately disconnected and enter a permanent sleep. I guess it's sorta like "Let's Make a Deal": Door no. 1, door no. 2, etc. The history of that site shows few people select that. Curious that we take risks like that, isn't it?

I'll keep you posted.

[Datawiz]

Can I have your cars?

[Kerrmudgeon]

"Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated" - Mark Twain

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by datawiz

Can I have your cars?

Well, I don't know what happened to them. It's not like I can walk home to check on them. Shit, I have 6' of dirt over me! (Actually, it's not even 5'; damned money-saving cemetaries.) Besides, you're not allowed to drive when you're dead. They keep records, you know. But, sure--you can have 'em. Good luck on the State issuing you a title!

[VITE1]

Can you post the exact location of the grave so we can all come pee, I mean pay our respects?

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by VITE1

Can you post the exact location of the grave so we can all come pee, I mean pay our respects?

Funny...the apps on this phone don't include GoogleEarth....

[DukeAllen]

As a lawyer, I don't need to ask which place you chose. So, how hot IS it?

[Norm]

Early Halloween stuff here or are you thinking about your demise? I know a good shrink.

[99 pewtercoupe]

What makes me think that Annie had a hand/paw in this?

[DukeAllen]

Originally Posted by Norm

I know a good shrink.

I have some ugly mother-in-law pics that will shrink anything.

[Czarvette]

"Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend. But I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead.

"What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself.

"Michael and I grew old together. But at times, when we laughed, we grew young. If he was here now, if he could hear what I say, I'd congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend."

Best eulogy evah! This is from "Waking Ned Devine." The poignant joke is that as part of a ruse in a small Irish town to fool the Irish lottery official to release the funds won by a dead man, Ned Devine, the speaker, Jackie O'Shea, must pretend to give a eulogy for his lifelong friend of 80 years, Michael O'Sullivan, who is sitting in the front pew of the church alive and quite well, but whose name has been loaned to the actual dead man, Ned Devine. So we see a man saying to his friend the heartfelt things he would only say about him at the friends funeral.

And that's part of the tragedy of the human condition.

[73sbVert]

Morbidity begets morbidity:

BLOODROCK - D.O.A./EVERY BODY'S NIGHTMARE - YouTube

[OddBall]

You're not dead, you just need a bath.

[Aerovette]

Say hi to DaNN.

[DropTheTop]

TL;DR

[DukeAllen]

Originally Posted by DropTheTop

TL;DR

Cliffs: zombie thread.

[Mike Mercury]

Yep...I passed away a week ago today.

well, someone should call your ISP; it's way too slow.

[Calif Vetteman]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

Well, I don't know what happened to them. It's not like I can walk home to check on them. Shit, I have 6' of dirt over me! (Actually, it's not even 5'; damned money-saving cemetaries.) Besides, you're not allowed to drive when you're dead. They keep records, you know. But, sure--you can have 'em. Good luck on the State issuing you a title!

6' is the minimum depth, by law to bury the dead. It has been calculated that the ordor of decaying flesh cannot be detected from 6' under. I read that once some where.

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by Calif Vetteman

6' is the minimum depth, by law to bury the dead. It has been calculated that the ordor of decaying flesh cannot be detected from 6' under. I read that once some where.

So I'll stink for a while.

[73sbVert]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

So I'll stink for a while.

Moreso than usual? (you ARE a lawyer after all, they ALL stink)