The Dirty Joke Thread

[VITE1]

This one cracked me up !
😂😂🤣😂😂

A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money ....

He calls home. "Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing ! They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack, how to talk !"

"That's amazing,"his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program ?"

"Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."

So his father sends the dog and $10,000. About two -thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Jack doing son ?" His father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read ??" says his father, "No kidding ! How do we get Jack in that program?"

"Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk !"

"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked, so, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel 💃 who lives down the street ?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother !"😡

"I sure did, dad !

"That's my boy !"

The kid went on to law school and is now a politician.
😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

[VITE1]

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[slewfoot]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch.

[MadInNc]

….

[Bruze]

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[Bill]

[MEANZ06]

What do you call white babies that die, get their wings and go to heaven?

...Angels


What do you call black babies that die, get their wings and go to heaven?

...Bats

[DJ_Critterus]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian told me to take it out.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.

What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"

What's brown and really bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.

What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words: "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snowblower coming.

What's a 6.9? Another great thing screwed up by a period.

What did the elephant ask the naked man? "How do you breathe out of that thing?"

What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

My dad is exactly like Santa. I hear so many good things about him, but he only visits our home once a year, and I never even see him.

Sex is like a burrito, don't unwrap or that baby's in your lap.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of a bus? He got tired.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. But careless Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.

Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it.

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smokin' hot body.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? It isn't hard.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day, but push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

If you're walking through the forest and stumble across a dead body, what's the first thing you should do? Check your map, because you're obviously going in circles.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

What does a vampire do with boiling water and a tampon? Make tea.

What does a horny frog say? "Rub it."

[Onebadcad]

At the park I am jogging and pass two homeless doods on a bench, and notice one has his hand up the other's arse.
I stop and ask what the hell is going on??
The homeless molester says his friend is sick and he is trying to help him throw up.
I said that's useless, how in the hell does fisting his arse help your buddy throw up.
He replies, I have done this before, multiple times, stick around for a minute, as my hand is going down his throat!!

[slewfoot]

Definition of Mass Hysteria- Bunch of blind lesbians on a tuna boat.

[DJ_Critterus]

Originally Posted by slewfoot

Definition of Mass Hysteria- Bunch of blind lesbians on a tuna boat.

Nice