A quality AAFES rant

[boracayjohnny]

AAFES, Army Air Force Exchange Service

That's the Base Exchange and the on base convenience store called The Shoppette.

The Commissary, grocery store, is actually not part of AAFES. lt's DECA; https://www.usa.gov/federal-agencies...missary-agency

Be warned, it's fukking long but has comedy bits throughout.

All the **** or ****ing ...just plug in a good ole shit or fukk

For all you young whipper snappers, once upon a time, the BX was a magical place of exquisite deals. You know how food at the commissary is pretty cheap, because it's sold at cost + surcharge? How you can go there and you're almost guaranteed to be getting as good or better a deal as you would at Publix or something?
That used to be the BX. When I was a kid, I had tons of Lego. Why? Because mom and dad had a friend who was a retired colonel, and they'd all go shopping at the BX and buy Lego sets that were sold for just barely above cost.
Then one day, someone had a brilliant idea. "Dude, what if we used or dominating, unstoppable monopoly to hold military members face-down in the dirt and hate-rape them for all the money they have, because everything works better if we ran this like a for-profit business?"
Here's my list of grievances in my Declaration of AAFES Independence, you miserable shit-caked predatory ****-eels.
1) It appears to be ****ing impossible to actually get fired from AAFES, because every ****ing person who works for you is the slowest, dumbest pile of shit on two legs. I shouldn't have to deliberately AVOID certain cashiers at the BX who have been there for years, because I know that ****ing bimbo literally will take every single item, look at it, and ask me questions/tell me a story about it, making it take a goddamn hour to check out. Even after I actually complained directly to the manager? She's still ****ing there two years later. You ever been to Eglin's BX, you probably know exactly who I'm talking about.
2) Christ almighty I can't believe I'm actually going to say this but would it ****ing kill to have some sort of literacy or language test before hiring people? Hey, stupid ****ing virgin airmen. Quit bringing your Juicy wives back from Thailand or Korea or the Philippines who just want a green card, because all they're doing is clogging the ****ing BX and ruining my day, because nobody off base will hire someone whose English language skills are barely at the 4th grade level. Every single interaction at the register is me smiling and shuffling awkwardly because I legitimately don't understand a single word any of them are saying except 'debit or credit?'.
3) AAFES is a ****ing ripoff. You know why they have that price-match guarantee? Because they surgically price all their shit to the level of everything else around so there's nothing to price-match. You call this ****ing shithole a "benefit" that I can keep when I retire? Why, because I don't have to pay 6% sales tax on some batteries? Hell if you live in Delaware or Montana you're already not paying sales tax so all AAFES is is a shitty Walmart full of people trying to hawk their ****ing MLM garbage or in one case, ****ing Scientologist propaganda. Yeah a guy standing there with a stack of L. Ron Hubbard books trying to get people to read it. I can just buy a TV online and get it delivered for free and not pay sales tax too. Like I said, once upon a time, the BX was basically the commissary for non-food items. Now it's just a shitty walmart, but at least Walmart will fire clerks who take 25 minutes to ring up 19 items because they can't shut the **** up.
4) The Military Star Card is predatory. You know why they have all these benefits on the card? Because they make money on interest when people don't keep up on the bills. You know who really needs that first credit card and thinks this is a great idea? Airmen who certainly don't need to be buying shit on credit. Is this a benefit? You leeching us with 12.99% APRs on your crappy credit cards? Everyone who qualifies for a Star Card also can qualify for a USAA card which has a lower interest rate and probably a wider line of credit. Also, you can carry your USAA card without feeling like you volunteered to be the bottom bitch of a ten-dicked totem pole.
5) Your hours are utter shit. **** you, you aren't here for us. I haven't seen a ****ing 24 hour shopette since I left Mountain Home in the mid 2000s, and you shut that one down too. Not even ****ing EGLIN has a 24-hour shopette and that base has like half the ****ing Air Force currently stationed there. And you know what? I think the entire reason you shut down at midnight is because every night at midnight, your cheap-ass POS system does that system reconciliation thing that shuts down the registers for 25 minutes, and rather than pay money to replace it, you'd rather just close the store entirely. Blow it out your own ass you cum-guzzling bear-fellating rancid sacks of stale bile.
6) "This facility was paid for by your patronage!". Oh yeah? I was at Edwards AFB a few years ago. You know what doesn't exist? A ****ing Class Six. I was just at Edwards for a TDY. You know what STILL isn't there? A ****ing CLASS SIX. The "Class Six" is literally three shelves, each four feet long, full of Natty Light and Jack Daniels, in the Shopette... and since it's not actually in the Class Six, the prices are hiked way up and you're overpaying MSRP. This is one of the oldest bases in the Air Force and somehow our patronage can't manage to build a single goddamn liquor store? What, is there not enough space on the 592,989 square miles of empty ****ing desert on that base to build one? Cram your dicks up your own asses until you choke on them.
7) Gas. ****ing gas. Every single place I've been stationed except for Europe, gas off-base can be found cheaper only a few miles away. Even in goddamn California. I'm sorry wasn't the point of the AAFES to not pay taxes? How in the ****ing holy hell do you turtle-raping chicken-****ers manage to charge the same or higher prices on gasoline on-base with some kind of 'no tax' benefit, when THE PRICE OF GASOLINE ANYWHERE IN AMERICA IS ALREADY LIKE 50% TAXES? You're either not giving us a tax discount, in which case you can **** your own faces because clearly that's where you decided to quit giving a shit about 'benefits', or you're getting a tax discount and simply pocketing the difference.
8) Uniforms. Holy shit uniforms. You know who makes uniforms? Literal ****ing convicts who are paid like $3 / hour. We're talking like $15 in labor costs, and another $15 in material, and somehow that equates to a $65 pricetag. Why? Because FEDERAL prisoners in a FEDERAL prison are making FEDERAL products for FEDERAL military members, but somehow in that cluster**** of shitty capitalism gone amok, you guys managed to put a bunch of middlemen who all want their cut, and SOMEHOW someone who gets paid about as much as the ****ing Vietnamese woman in a sweatshop making shoes, and you magically turn that into an $80 pair of pants. Pants you never even have in stock because GOD FORBID a company actually put products on the shelves. Imagine if Walmart took up your business model where "we don't stock the things people want to buy".
9) Snack bars and food carts. Holy goddamn shit. How is this evil ****ing shit even allowed? I don't even know where to start on this one, but the fact that AAFES actually factually can tell a MILITARY UNIT how they're allowed to operate things because they're scared of their enormous rivers of cash slightly becoming less river-like really underscores how downright ****ing despicable and evil these useless dickless brainless hopeless heartless sacks of monkey shit really are.
Hallelujah!
Holy shit where's the Tylenol.

[99 pewtercoupe]

Deep breaths...in and out

[DJ_Critterus]

I refuse to shop there unless its for booze. Won’t use the commissary either because they ad a 10% tax onto everything then expect you to pay a huge tip to the the skilled workers putting your groceries in bags and taking them to your car.

[boracayjohnny]

Originally Posted by 99 pewtercoupe

Deep breaths...in and out

To be clear, it's not me but found while wandering this ole intarnet.

[99 pewtercoupe]

Originally Posted by boracayjohnny

To be clear, it's not me but found while wandering this ole intarnet.

It did sound a little out of character for you

[VatorMan]

I can shop online at the Exchange but why ? Everything is more expensive than a brick and mortar store !

[69camfrk]

I don't ever shop there, and the only thing the commissary is good for is meat. Most of my booze I buy in town, as the price difference isn't that much. The author is right.

[z06psi]

Cliffs?


Don't care.

[DAB]

We’ll put him down as ‘not satisfied’

[boracayjohnny]

Originally Posted by z06psi

Cliffs?


Don't care.

Cliffs:

If you have three apples and a car, how much ink does your pen have in it.

[PortDawg]

Originally Posted by 99 pewtercoupe

It did sound a little out of character for you

I actually laughed out loud at this.

Originally Posted by boracayjohnny

To be clear, it's not me but found while wandering this ole intarnet.

Uh huh...sure...

(it could actually be any one of us...)

[ZipZap]

I was in when booze and smokes were at cost. Good old days!