Children as entertainment

[FasterTraffic]

While children can be incomparably expensive, stupendously adorable (until a certain age), and unimaginably frustrating, they can also be a source of amusement. I frequently think of Calvin's dad in the Calvin & Hobbes comic strip:

Calvin: Dad, were there dinosaurs when you were a kid?
Dad: Oh, sure, your grandfather and I used to put on leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals.
Mom (after Calvin leaves): Listen buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough, don't you?



Sometimes, I can't help myself:

FasterTrafficette#1: Mom, what's this? <holds up green plastic bottle with a yellow cap>
Mrs. FasterTraffic: It's lemon juice.
FasterTrafficette#1: Can I have some?
Mrs. FasterTraffic: You wo-
FasterTraffic: SURE! Just get a cup.
Mrs. FasterTraffic:
FasterTrafficette#1: Great!
FasterTraffic: No problem. Get a cup for your sister, too.
<FasterTraffic pours lemon juice in two cups while grinning like the Cheshire Cat>
FasterTraffic: Here you go!
<Girls tip back their cups and drink the lemon juice>
FasterTrafficette#1: Ack! That's disgusting!
FasterTraffic:
FasterTrafficette#1: Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! <spits on floor>
FasterTraffic:
FasterTrafficette#1: Water! I need water! <gets water from fridge and guzzles it>
<Girls exit the kitchen>
Mrs. FasterTraffic: You saw that she spit on the floor, right?
FasterTraffic: So, so f**king worth it.
Mrs. FasterTraffic:
FasterTraffic: Dad of the Year right here, Momma.


So, VBOT, what humor have you wrought at your childrens' expense?

[marrepka]

Outstanding

[Chris Fowler]

I'm teaching my daughter to be much more specific when asking questions.

Daughter: Where are we going?
Me: To get food
Daughter: Where are we going to get food?
Me: Somewhere
Daughter: Are we going to a restaurant?
Me: Yes
Daughter: Which restaurant are we going to?
Me: The one with food
Daughter: What kind of food do they have?
Me: Good food
Daughter: Where is the restaurant?
Me: That way
Daughter: *sigh* What is the name of the restaurant?
Me: I forget
Daughter: DAD!
Me: We're here!

[MrPeabody]

I like them when they are at the age where you can tell them that wind is caused by the trees moving.

[Milton Fox]

"Pull my finger"...

[DukeAllen]

One weekend about a month ago my wife took our son to the grounds of his pre-school to ride his bike. It's all of about 300 yards away but there's trees and a short cut...

Dad waits at home for about an hour and decides to walk over. Takes different short cut. I stand at the edge of the trees, in the open. Here they come on the way home, totally oblivious.

I watched them walk past, not 20 yards away, and start through the 1st path.

I run over, come tearing through the path, waving my arms and screaming "Yaaaahhhhhhhh!!!"

Wife and son both scream, wife screams "You jerk! Asshole!" while batting at my arms. I'm too busy laughing my ass off and trying not to piss myself, to care.

Jogging neighbor goes by pretending not to notice.

It's the little things that make the warm fuzzy memories

[tshirts and jeans]

this happened tonite while driving to dallas .......

my grandaughter(4yrs) said mom i need to go to the bathroom......

daughter: there is no where to stop right now, we will stop in a few mins.....

grandaughter: but i need to go right now...

me: do you want us to stop and let you go on the side of the road...

grandaughter (with weird look on her face): uhhh nana, NO i am not a dog...

[FasterTraffic]

I have another one from a few months ago...

<FasterTraffic, Mrs. FasterTraffic, and FasterTrafficette#1 in the kitchen>
<FasterTraffic is drinking a bottle of New Belgium Ranger India Pale Ale>
FasterTrafficette#1: Dad, what are you drinking?
FasterTraffic: Soda.
Mrs. FasterTraffic:
FasterTrafficette#1: Oh! Can I have some?
FasterTraffic: Certainly. Get a cup.
<FasterTrafficette#1 gets a plastic cup, into which FasterTraffic pours New Belgium Ranger India Pale Ale.>
Mrs. FasterTraffic (whispering): Beer? Really? She's five.
FasterTraffic: Soda. It's soda, dear.
<FasterTrafficette#1 drinks from the cup>
FasterTrafficette#1: Oh my gosh! Soda is gross!
FasterTraffic: Very true, sweetie.
FasterTrafficette#1: I definitely don't like soda. <Dumps cup in sink>
<FasterTrafficette#1 exits the kitchen>
Mrs. FasterTraffic: You're a jerk.

<Fast forward two weeks to family party at our house>

<FasterTraffic, Mrs. FasterTraffic, and FasterTrafficette#1 in the kitchen>
FasterTrafficette#1: What's all this?
Mrs. FasterTraffic: Soda for the party.
FasterTrafficette#1: Soda is yucky.
<FasterTrafficette#1 exits the kitchen>
FasterTraffic: Epic win for nutrition. When you said I was a jerk, I think what you meant was, "You're a f**king genius."
Mrs. FasterTraffic:
FasterTraffic:

[NEED-A-VETTE]

My daughter and I were walking into the grocery store when she was about 16 or so...

Caitlin: Can I have $20?
Me: For what?
Caitlin: The mall. For later.
Me: (thinks for a minute) You're gonna have to earn it.
Caitlin: Fine. How?
Me: (points to the plastic fire truck shopping cart) You have to let me push you around in that...
Caitlin:
Me: ...while making fire engine siren sounds.
Caitlin: (long pause) For how long?
Me: 5 minutes straight.
Caitlin: (thinks about it) Fine.

Fine minutes lasted a lot longer than she thought it would.

[MEC5LADY]

Originally Posted by NEED-A-VETTE

My daughter and I were walking into the grocery store when she was about 16 or so...

Caitlin: Can I have $20?
Me: For what?
Caitlin: The mall. For later.
Me: (thinks for a minute) You're gonna have to earn it.
Caitlin: Fine. How?
Me: (points to the plastic fire truck shopping cart) You have to let me push you around in that...
Caitlin:
Me: ...while making fire engine siren sounds.
Caitlin: (long pause) For how long?
Me: 5 minutes straight.
Caitlin: (thinks about it) Fine.

Fine minutes lasted a lot longer than she thought it would.

Hell I squeeze my fat arse in those things now and make fire engine noises. Stupid people are too stupid to figure out I need pushed around the store to get to the fire.

[DAB]

$240/hr.

Pretty good money. Tax free.

Originally Posted by NEED-A-VETTE

My daughter and I were walking into the grocery store when she was about 16 or so...

Caitlin: Can I have $20?
Me: For what?
Caitlin: The mall. For later.
Me: (thinks for a minute) You're gonna have to earn it.
Caitlin: Fine. How?
Me: (points to the plastic fire truck shopping cart) You have to let me push you around in that...
Caitlin:
Me: ...while making fire engine siren sounds.
Caitlin: (long pause) For how long?
Me: 5 minutes straight.
Caitlin: (thinks about it) Fine.

Fine minutes lasted a lot longer than she thought it would.

[DukeAllen]

Originally Posted by DAB

$240/hr.

Pretty good money. Tax free.

The NSA will be passing this post on to the IRS.

[FasterTraffic]

Originally Posted by DukeAllen

I run over, come tearing through the path, waving my arms and screaming "Yaaaahhhhhhhh!!!"

Wife and son both scream, wife screams "You jerk! Asshole!" while batting at my arms. I'm too busy laughing my ass off and trying not to piss myself, to care.

I came back late from a business trip and, rather than go inside, I went around to the backyard. It was probably 9:00 PM or so, and really dark outside. The kids were asleep.

Mrs. FasterTraffic was in the kitchen, standing at the sink and washing dishes. There is a big window right in front of the sink. I stood in the dark right outside the window quietly staring at her while she washed dishes.

It was three or four minutes before she looked up. She jumped probably three feet while shrieking the f-word, and her eyes were as wide as saucers.

Man, was she pissed at me.

[DAB]

you need a hockey mask.

[99 pewtercoupe]

Originally Posted by DAB

you need a hockey mask.

Good way to get shot!

[FasterTraffic]

Originally Posted by DAB

you need a hockey mask.

If I would have worn a hockey mask, I'm sure I'd be living alone now.

[DukeAllen]

When I was about 8 my dad and older brother came home from work. Brother walks in the door moaning. With a horror mask on (one of those bald, scarred insane killer ones). I was sitting at the kitchen table...I screamed like a girl and ducked under the table.

Ass.

I won't mention the time he found a dildo at work and ran around with it sticking out of his fly, shaking it at every body.

And I also won't mention it was used and they were industrial painters. They found it in a locker room at an industrial plant. WTF?

[FasterTraffic]

Originally Posted by DukeAllen

I won't mention the time he found a dildo at work and ran around with it sticking out of his fly, shaking it at every body.

From zero to hostile work environment in 2.3 seconds.

[C5SilverBullet]

Originally Posted by FasterTraffic

I came back late from a business trip and, rather than go inside, I went around to the backyard. It was probably 9:00 PM or so, and really dark outside. The kids were asleep.

Mrs. FasterTraffic was in the kitchen, standing at the sink and washing dishes. There is a big window right in front of the sink. I stood in the dark right outside the window quietly staring at her while she washed dishes.

It was three or four minutes before she looked up. She jumped probably three feet while shrieking the f-word, and her eyes were as wide as saucers.

Man, was she pissed at me.

I've done that a few times to my wife, she FREAKS every single time.

[DukeAllen]

Originally Posted by C5SilverBullet

I've done that a few times to my wife, she FREAKS every single time.

I used to do that to my mom. Walk right up beside her and just stand there. She'd turn around, shriek, and jump about a foot

But she's 86 now and had a double bypass last year so that's not a good idea anymore