It's official. I'm nuts.

[SnikPlosskin]

I've been fighting major depressive disorder for 25 years. I've been on just about every antidepressant out there and they work pretty well for me. But every one of them stops working after a while.

Once I got my gut fixed I realized how depressed I've been. Keep in mind, for me clinical depression is not feeling sad or down. For me it's fatigue and paralyzing anxiety.

For the last two years I've spent a lot of days in bed with zero interest in doing anything. Even things I enjoy. I have been isolating myself more and more. Don't want to perform, work on car, watch TV, take a shower, eat or anything. Very hard to describe.

For example I don't post much anymore. I lurk and read but my mind is dull. No creativity, sense of humor, too much work to type. I work and sleep. Amd not in the correct ratio.

Went to a new doc who specializes in pharmacology and she diagnosed me with a mild form of bipolar. I just learned there are a few different kinds. The one most people think of is BP1 or BP2 where people have wild mood swings and act nuts. I don't have that.

There is a type where you have no mania (which I could use, I have so much shit to do) just depression. Yet at the same time my sympathetic nervous system is constantly in fight or flight. A type of mild mania.

She asked me if was ever manic. I said nope. Then she got more detailed. Do I sometimes talk fast? Yes. Do I get big ass ideas? Yep. Can't sleep? Mind racing? Yep and yep. Do I get hyper focused on tasks. Yes.

Looking back, I'd say I have been manic. Just not "off the deep end" manic. But way off the deep end with depression.

I'm now on a mood stabilizer that works in a different way than SSRI's and SNRI's. It is working. I'm having more energy but I'm clenching my teeth which delivers wicked headaches. I'm slowly going off the other antidepressants.

I'll probably regret sharing this but need to tell someone. I'm not sure what to think about it. I don't think I should tell people.

So much brain chemistry is produced and regulated by your gut. I searched on the phrase "what does it feel like to not be depressed?" When I read the responses, I realized I was in bad shape.

I'm determined now to get my life back.

[JRD77VET]

Best of luck getting this worked out Pete. You're already in the right direction by getting it under control.

Jeff

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by JRD77VET

Best of luck getting this worked out Pete. You're already in the right direction by getting it under control.

Jeff

Not only getting it under control, but by understanding what is really going on. Look...as long as you know what it is you're fighting, you know what to attack, and you learn what it takes to kill it and win.

[Black94lt1]

Originally Posted by lspencer534

Not only getting it under control, but by understanding what is really going on. Look...as long as you know what it is you're fighting, you know what to attack, and you learn what it takes to kill it and win.

Exactly, you have to know and understand what you’re fighting to win the fight

[Broken Wind]

Pete, how is your wife handling this? My spouse has some issues that impacts everyone, and I don’t always handle it in the best way.

[markids77]

It takes fortitude to share. Thanks! Unburdening a bit can't hurt, and I don't think anyone here will think less of you for being honest.

[SnikPlosskin]

I hate making these posts but I appreciate the support. I'm not a guy obsessed with medical problems. In so many ways I'm identifying/facing the problems and working to resolve them.

I've known bipolar people. Like a neighbor who went around at night turning everyone's hoses on to flood our properties, then set his house on fire.

I'm apparently called a high performing loon. I think the worse my gut got, the worse my mental health got. (Wow, grammar much?).

I'm working like an animal this week so I can take two weeks off. Although today I only worked about six hours. I get to the point where my mind is just tired. I literally can't keep working. So I sleep.

At the same time, I don't take breaks or lunch. I sit down at my desk at 9 and do one task after another - much involving mental heavy lifting - until I wear down so much I have to stop - usually around 3pm. I don't even check social media or dick around at all. That's not normal either.

I probably do the equivalent work of two people but it's still not enough. I have some help now but that ratchets up the pressure to make payroll.

Of course, I'm pretty used to that after 30 years of it.

So much good happening around me. But all I feel is overwhelmed. At the same time, I'm way better than I was a month ago.

My car is back on the road except it keeps throwing its alternator belt. Need to shim it a bit. I hope to have the wherewithal to work on it over the holiday. It's almost done!

[SnikPlosskin]

Originally Posted by Broken Wind

Pete, how is your wife handling this? My spouse has some issues that impacts everyone, and I don’t always handle it in the best way.

That's the hardest part. I'm absolutely a burden to her. She is depressed too but not as bad. It's "caretaker depression". I'm like an anchor around her neck.

[SnikPlosskin]

Originally Posted by markids77

It takes fortitude to share. Thanks! Unburdening a bit can't hurt, and I don't think anyone here will think less of you for being honest.

You guys already knew I was nuts.

[JRD77VET]

Originally Posted by SnakePlissken

You guys already knew I was nuts.

But it's a cool nuts. You play guitar. You sing in front of crowds. You talk in front of crowds.

Not everyone can do that and you do it well

[lspencer534]

Originally Posted by SnakePlissken

You guys already knew I was nuts.

Yes, but know you're an honest nut who wants to get better. All that we ever ask is that you don't let us down...but that's a heavy, heavy burden. If you can do do that, though, you will heal. We will understand several failures, but you must be realistic. You already know that.

[Bill]

Originally Posted by SnakePlissken

You guys already knew I was nuts.

I just assumed that was a prerequisite to posting here.




Seriously, keep your chin up. You can beat this, or at least, beat it into cowering submission.....either way.

[MrPeabody]

Never lose sight of the fact that you've got a lot of people who love you and want to see you succeed in whatever endeavor you choose. As long as you do that you'll be alright in the end.

[snide]

Sounds like you're finally on the road to recovery Pete! So glad to hear that. Keep well.

[Kerrmudgeon]

Originally Posted by SnakePlissken

Do I sometimes talk fast? Yes. Do I get big ass ideas? Yep. Can't sleep? Mind racing? Yep and yep. Do I get hyper focused on tasks. Yes.
I'm determined now to get my life back.

By those questions everyone is bi-polar!

I think in a little while when you start getting all the nutrition you're ingesting, and perhaps a good vitamin/mineral regime you'll be surprised that in a short time how much better you'll be feeling. Anyway.....you seem to be on the right path from back when you were spending all day in bed dealing with "the blues"

My sister's bi-polar as well as a good buddy......they go from euphoric to suicidal in a matter of hours.
Thankfully their meds keep them fairly grounded, but if they fall off the wagon and self medicate on occasion?....... then all hell breaks loose.

[MrPeabody]

Psychiatry - A pseudoscience that takes everyday conditions and situations we have all always been aware of and assigns terminology to it.

[SnikPlosskin]

Originally Posted by Kerrmudgeon

By those questions everyone is bi-polar!

I think in a little while when you start getting all the nutrition you're ingesting, and perhaps a good vitamin/mineral regime you'll be surprised that in a short time how much better you'll be feeling. Anyway.....you seem to be on the right path from back when you were spending all day in bed dealing with "the blues"

My sister's bi-polar as well as a good buddy......they go from euphoric to suicidal in a matter of hours.
Thankfully their meds keep them fairly grounded, but if they fall off the wagon and self medicate on occasion?....... then all hell breaks loose.

Yep, that's BP1 with rapid cycling. BP2 is a milder form but still cycling. I have one cycle. Down.

I would love to be energized - if that's mania, bring it on. Full blown mania is a different story. I just want to get my work done and have a life.

I was going to a show tonight of one of my favorite artists who invited me. Didn't go. Just too exhausted.

I think it's the new medication. I was feeling pretty good a month ago after starting Wellbutrin. Then I started lamictal. I have a doc appt Thursday. I don't think this shit is going to work for me.

[SnikPlosskin]

And thank you all for not telling me to just buck up amd "be happy" or some shit. That's not how it works. A lot of people don't think it's a real thing because it's impossible to fathom if you haven't experienced it.

Most people have experienced situational depression, perhaps when a loved one dies or they lose a job or whatever. They think that's what I'm talking about.

Situational depression goes away in time. This is a straight up chemical imbalance in my brain. It doesn't go away. You can't pull yourself up by the bootstraps. And I'm the pulling myself up by the bootstraps king.

This goes on year after year. Once medicine helps for a while, then it's back. I hide it. From the outside people see the public part of my life but back here behind the curtain, I'm sort of a mess.

But getting better by leaps and bounds. Until now I never heard of BP without mania. The only way they know it is because antidepressants stop working.

If it's regular clinical depression, the SSRIs would work long term. I get a couple years out of them at most, then I start to get tired and isolate myself.

Ive been here before but hope that approaching this differently will give me a better path.

There are so many things I want to do!

[Black94lt1]

Originally Posted by SnakePlissken

And thank you all for not telling me to just buck up amd "be happy" or some shit. That's not how it works. A lot of people don't think it's a real thing because it's impossible to fathom if you haven't experienced it.

Most people have experienced situational depression, perhaps when a loved one dies or they lose a job or whatever. They think that's what I'm talking about.

Situational depression goes away in time. This is a straight up chemical imbalance in my brain. It doesn't go away. You can't pull yourself up by the bootstraps. And I'm the pulling myself up by the bootstraps king.

This goes on year after year. Once medicine helps for a while, then it's back. I hide it. From the outside people see the public part of my life but back here behind the curtain, I'm sort of a mess.

But getting better by leaps and bounds. Until now I never heard of BP without mania. The only way they know it is because antidepressants stop working.

If it's regular clinical depression, the SSRIs would work long term. I get a couple years out of them at most, then I start to get tired and isolate myself.

Ive been here before but hope that approaching this differently will give me a better path.

There are so many things I want to do!

No buck up and be happy from me, as many of you already know I lost my best friend almost 2 years ago to depression, none of us saw it in him, but it turned out his family has a long history of it. He would find ways to deal with the situation at hand but never addressed the root cause. Every day was struggle for him, and I hope that others can learn from his situation and seek out the help they need.

[dwjz06]

Good luck Pete. Hope this new med works for you sir.