All US Presidents' Godliness Index Rankings

[Sea Six]

ALL U.S. Presidents Assessed Based on Their Godliness Index!
Posted on July 24, 2018 by Landover Baptist Church in Society & Politics


The Godly U.S. of A. has had quite a few Leaders of the Free World. While it is obvious that the Godliest of them all is our current Pontifex, Mr. Donald Trump, President of the United States of America, it is time we examined each and every one of them based not on their actions but by their Commitment to Jesus. After all, the Spiritual State of a Man determines the quality of his actions, while the actual acts are secondary, as follows:

Psalms 53:1
(To the chief Musician upon Mahalath, Maschil, A Psalm of David.) The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.

We shall take into consideration their denominations and the Fruits of their Labor (Luke 6:43) in addition to asking in Prayer how Jesus scored these men. The results are indexed from GI (Godliness Index) 0 (evil unbeliever sure to be in Hell) to 100 (True Christian™ man). The index also simultaneously shows the Biblical Probability of that man being in Heaven, for instance, GI 82 means that there’s a 18% chance that this president (if deceased) is at this very moment experiencing excruciating anal pain as Satan penetrates his rectum with red-hot barbed-wire dildos. Here we go:

George Washington 1789-1797: Episcopalian and thus suspicious. However, he established the Godliest nation on Earth so at some point he must have Repented®. GI 92.

John Adams 1797-1801: Unitarian and thus suspicious. He helped to establish the Godly Nation but, according to some sources, he also said that “Christianity had originally been revelatory, but was being misinterpreted and misused in the service of superstition, fraud, and unscrupulous power.” He was also accused of being a deist and accusations tend to have some Truth™ behind them. GI 35. Likely to be in Hell but avoiding the worst tortures there?

Thomas Jefferson 1801-1809: Jesus H. Christ! Jefferson. He separated State from Church and eventually was religiously unaffiliated. GI 0. He shares the eternal fate of Judas.

James Madison 1809-1817: Episcopalian and thus highly suspicious, probably a deist of the era of “enlightenment”. Useless from the Christ’s point of view. GI 21.

James Monroe 1817-1825: Episcopalian. He founded the nation of Liberia. Liberia is a mess of civil wars and genocides and Hamites. GI 34.

John Quincy Adams 1825-1829: Unitarian and isn’t “Quincy” a girly name? He became the promoter of secular science including astronomy, tellyscopic observatories, etc. All these started to undermine the pure world view of Jesus. GI 9.

Andrew Jackson 1829-1837: Presbyterian, suspicious. He devoted his time to the “Petticoat affair”, denying harlotry of prostitutes or something. On the other hand, he made the U.S. greater by conquering Arkansas and Michigan. GI 52.

Martin Van Bueren 1837-1841: Dutch Reformed. HE FOUNDED THE DOMOCRATIC PARTY. Enough said. GI 1.

William Henry Harrison 1841-1841: Episcopalian. So bad that Jesus smote him after only one month in the office. A simple case of pneumonia took him, as he apparently failed to pray (James 5:16). GI 7.

John Tyler 1841-1845: Episcopalian. Invaded Texas, which proved to be a smart move, as it became a stronghold for Jesus. GI 78. He also portrayed the hateful nature of this life that we should hate (Luke 14:26) in expectation of Heaven.

James K. Polk 1845-1849: Presbyterian. Orchestrated the Mexican-American war and annexed lots of great states (+80 points) to the Union. California, however, proved to be a disappointment filled with Mexicans and deviants (-50 points). GI 30.

Zachary Taylor 1849-1850: Episcopalian. Succumbed early to an upset stomach after having “consumed copious amounts of raw fruit and iced milk.” Thus, he failed to follow Genesis 9:2. This means that he did not trust Jesus our Lord. GI 12.

Millard Fillmore 1850-1853: Unitarian. Suspicious. Disapproved Caucasian settlement of Hawaii. If he had had his way, the Godliest Holiday Destination would be out of reach. GI 21.

Franklin Pierce 1853-1857: Epicopalian (bad) but a soldier general (good). Wanted to keep the Hamites in their Biblical place (Genesis 9:25). Hence, he promoted the ideas of Jesus even when it did not seem right according to the human, err-bound conscious. GI 86.

James Buchanan 1857-1861: Presbyterian. Famous for the Utah War against Mormons. He had guts to attack his own citizens when they practiced polygamy (1 Corinthians 7:2) which is sodomistic (1 Corinthians 6:18). GI 91.

Abraham Lincoln 1861-1865: No religious affiliation. Doubted the Divinity of Jesus. Minor tinkering with the constitution, abolition, etc. Got himself killed while watching a stage play. before the era of the Interwebs stage plays were porn. Useless unbeliever. GI 0.

Andrew Johnson 1865-1869: “Christian”. Remember Matthew 7:21. Remembered for the Reconstruction but THIS WAS NOT THE RECONSTRUCTION OF THE KINGDOM OF GOD. It could have been. Jesus could have returned eons ago and we could all be at this very moment in Heaven. We are not. GI 11.

Ulysses S. Grant 1869-1877: Methodist. The first Methodist in the office, not the last. Unfortunately. However, he was a hero of the Mexican war. In contrast, he tried to make peace with the heathen feather Indians. GI 34.

Rutherford B. Hayes 1877-1881: “Christian”. Abolitionist. Neglected Titus 2:9. The first President to visit the American West in a Grand Tour, hence, more like a traveling circus than a president. GI 17.

James A. Garfield 1881-1881: “Disciple of Christ”. Shot by a madman. Shot not prevented by Jesus. Who cares? GI 50. He’s the Schrodinger’s cat of the presidents. We’ll know where he is in due course.

Chester A. Arthur 1881-1885: Episcopalian. Suspicious. However, he took on the Mormon issue in a Godly manner: “The legislation made polygamy a federal crime, barring polygamists both from public office and the right to vote.” GI 89.

Grover Cleveland 1885-1889 AND 1893-1897: Presbyterian. The one president who clearly Repented® in office. He started his presidency as a bachelor living in sin with his sister (Genesis 34:31) but Repented®, married and sired new soldiers for Christ (Genesis 1:28). GI 86.

Benjamin Harrison 1889-1893: Presbyterian. They’re not all bad as we shall see! But he was. He worked hard against Genesis 1:28 and established National Forests, such as Yellowstone. Without him, Yellowstone could be a thriving industrial city gaining energy from volcanic phenomena. GI 33.

William McKinley 1897-1901: Second Methodist in the office. Surprisingly, a courageous man who won the Spanish-American War and gained the Philippines for Christ. GI 92.

Theodore Roosevelt 1901-1909: Dutch Reformed. Fought in the Cuban war but also demanded that the troops be brought home. Without him, Fidel Castro would never have risen into power. On the other hand, he single-handedly dug the Panama Canal to make U.S. commerce lucrative. GI 43.

William Howard Taft 1909-1913: Unitarian. Which is not cool. Liked to watch baseball, a purely American game. Which is cool. Jesus doesn’t really care, though. GI 51.

Woodrow Wilson 1913-1921: Presbyterian. Fought in a war in Europe but failed to gain new territories from there. Supported a Mexican revolution and thus paved the road for Godly U.S. interventions everywhere. At least he did win the war in Europe against the French and Italians. GI 67.

Warren G. Harding 1921-1923: BAPTIST! At last! He cut taxes but also released enemies of Christ from political imprisonment. Was he a relative of the more famous namesake, Tonya Harding? We don’t know. But he was a Baptist. Must mean something. GI 79.

Calvin Coolidge 1923-1929: Congregationalist. Was in favor of laissex-faire (free sex? We don’t know) and smaller government. His photos from his teen years show a suspiciously gay attire, though. GI 23

Herbert Hoover 1929-1933: Quaker. He invented the Great Depression and the vacuum cleaner and built the Hoover Damn. Still, a Quaker. GI 17.

Franklin D. Roosevelt 1933-1945: Episcopalian. Best friends with Godless Churchill of England and Stalin of the Commie Nations. Mostly remembered for his support of the National Park system, once again undermining Genesis 1:28. His other accomplishments have been mostly forgotten. Failed to pray his lameness away neglecting Matthew 11:5. Jesus will make better war when He returns. GI 8.

Harry S. Truman 1945-1953: Baptist! Praise Jesus! A Baptist who invented the Atom Bomb and was not afraid to use it. A soldier for Christ. GI 99.

Dwight D. Eisenhower 1953-1961: Presbyterian. Annexed South Korea to the U.S. but failed to invade the North Part of the Country. GI 49.

John F. Kennedy 1961-1963: Catholic. Enough said. GI -1.

Lyndon B. Johnson 1963-1969: Disciple of Christ. Failed to maintain the Curse of Canaan. Failed to win a war against poverty-stricken communists in ‘Nam. Jesus must have wept seeing His soldiers fail. GI 3.

Richard Nixon 1969-1974: Quaker. Persecuted for his faith (Matthew 5:10). Had an unhealthy relationship with our enemies in China and played table tennis with Mao. GI 41.

Gerald Ford 1974-1977: Episcopalian. First American to lose a War, this time in ‘Nam. GI 8.

Jimmy Carter 1977-1981: Baptist. But a false Baptist. Peanuts. Supports gay marriage (1 Timothy 1:10). Supports gun control (Luke 22:36). GI 2.

Ronald Reagan 1981-1989: True Christian™. Destroyed communism. Sits by the right hand of Jesus. GI 100.

George G.W. Bush 1989-1993: True Christian™. Secured adequate oil reserves for the U.S. until Jesus Returns. Glory. GI 100.

Bill Clinton 1993-2001: False Baptist. Spouse of Hillary. Plays the sax with a technique that could be used to “gay blowing“. GI 2. Is alive so has a chance to Repent®. We are unbiased. He might do that. Unlikely.

George W. Bush 2001-2009: True Christian™. Fought the perils a gay emancipation and intellectual education (1 Timothy 6:20). In Middle East, was the first to understand that evidence is not provided by federal intelligence services but by Faith® and opinion. GI 100.

Barack Obama 2009-2017: “Christian”. First non-US citizen to gain the office. Established gay marriage and mandatory hospital examinations instead of Luke 9:2. GI 3. A relatively young man, could still Repent®.

AND

Donald Trump 2017-until the Second Coming of Christ: True Christian™ extraordinaire. Best friends with us, Mr. Putin, and Jesus. GI 102. Praise Him.
The history books will soon reflect this list. As we can see, the Godliest presidents are all from our own era. This means that Jesus is coming soon.

1 Peter 2:9
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:



Yours in Christ,

Elmer

Here’s the whole list in descending order (alphabetical in case two presidents have the same GI):

Trump 102
Bush (Jr.) 100
Bush (Sr.) 100
Reagan 100
Truman 99
McKinley 92
Washington 92
Buchanan 91
Arthur 89
Cleveland 86
Pierce 86
Harding 79
Tyler 78
Wilson 67
Jackson 52
Taft 51
Garfield 50
Eisenhower 49
T Roosevelt 43
Nixon 41
J Adams 35
Grant 34
Monroe 34
Harrison 33
Polk 30
Coolidge 23
Fillmore 21
Madison 21
Hayes 17
Hoover 17
Taylor 12
A Johnson 11
JQ Adams 9
Ford 8
FD Roosevelt 8
Harrison 7
LB Johnson 3
Obama 3
Carter 2
Clinton 2
Van Bueren 1
Jefferson 0
Lincoln 0
Kennedy -1

[PortDawg]

Dafuque?

[Will]

John F. Kennedy 1961-1963: Catholic. Enough said. GI -1.

List checks out.

[Sea Six]

Originally Posted by PortDawg

Dafuque?

This was on the Landover Baptist Church website. It's a spoof website.

The views expressed within this thread are not necessarily shared by the OP.