Pete,
I will not begin to understand your current state of mind or how your physical limitations affect your daily life.
What I can tell you, having seen it too many times to count in my line of work, is that none of us know our expiration dates. I have seen people that had been given a month to live, out live their children or spouse. YES, some days are filled with misery and pain, some of my most amazing patients have taught me, there is always an opportunity to find beauty, even in the shittiest of scenarios.
The Endeavor Games
https://www.endeavorgames.com/ are held in my town every April, except this year for obvious reasons. My 1st year to volunteer on the medical staff, I was excited to help the athletes. However, I was who was brought to tears through the positive attitudes of those who had very little to be happy about, and without knowing I needed it, I was HELPED to have my perspective on life changed, forever.
I'll never forget the athlete(s) who had only one limb. They competed in track and watching them, not only exist, but to push through all the pain and odds against them, gave me an inspiration that was overwhelming.
Knowing your conditions, I understand that depression is part of the chemical shift of dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine that occurs in your body, which is out of your control. So many things with chronic illness are out of our control and that is a "hard pill to swallow". I hope that you are able to find more things than not to be thankful and happy for. For one, you have a loving spouse, and that is something many with severe illness do NOT have. Watching people go through terrible illness alone is a truly heartbreaking thing.
I do not know you, your story, or the background on what is happening, but from one human to another, keep on keeping on and take the time to fight to see the rays of light that are present, even in the darkest of days. We all are dying, every last one of us is 1 day closer to dying, but what we do with each day we are blessed with is what truly matters. That IS something we have control over.
