Thread: Goodbye Linda.
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Old 09-27-2022, 9:37am   #311
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Perhaps this will help someone down the road:

Over the last many weeks, I have ordered and read thru about a dozen books on grief, grieving, loss, and being a widower. In large part, they were all unhelpful.

They tell tales of other's losses and how they reacted, they explain the 5 stages of grief, and how if you work thru them, somehow you'll be "better" and perhaps get a gold star at the end on your report card.

Just dreck.

But finally, I ordered one book that has really helped:

"It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand", by Megan Divine.

easily found on Amazon.

In this book, she explains that we treat grief as a sickness, a malady, as something to be cured and gotten rid of. And that's the wrong approach.

Before you fell in love with your spouse (mostly wives here), you acted and felt differently than after you fell in love. And quite likely, those who knew you well could tell that something had changed in your approach to life. Maybe you had a bigger pep in your step, you showed others that you were happier now. But it made a difference that was noticeable.

And everyone was happy, and it culminated with your wedding day when everyone was very happy that you had found your wife and were now married and would pursue life together. No one said "hey Dave, you seem way too happy, better back that off a bit and get back to your 'normal' mode".

No, society is glad when you are glad.

But then the years go by, stuff happens, and one day, she is gone. And you are very sad. No longer the happy you from the past, but now the sad you of today.

That's grief.

Grief is showing the world that you are sad because you lost someone you loved.

It is not a condition that requires treatment, or medication, or some process from some 'expert'. It is what you are. And some days it is more noticeable than other days.

What the grieving person wants and needs is understanding, support. Maybe you can bring them a meal, or wash their car, or take care of some mundane task that they just don't have the physical or mental energy to do right now. Or perhaps you can just sit with them and listen. Don't offer platitudes, just listen. The grieving person may or may not talk, and that's ok. Maybe put on a pot of coffee or tea, or pour a glass of nice cold water, but just listen.

They have lost the person they used to talk to all the time. About everything, and now that person is gone, and there is a hole in their life.

Thanks for listening. Go hug and kiss your wife with a big, strong embrace and give her a big, sloppy kiss. Someday, you won't be able to do that anymore.

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