Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'
Then I thought... > >Heck - I could win this!'
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife from America were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery,' asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
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A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damned thing must be an hour fast.”
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GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY ......
and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier
said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad!
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A seriously depressed, but very attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."