A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f...........!! wife"!
A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant.
An absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table and gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she will she him later.
The wife glares at her husband and demands "who was that?"
"Oh" replies the husband. "that is my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw. I have had enough. I want a divorce" says the wife.
"I can understand that" replies her husband, "but just remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more sports car in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then a colleague of the husband's enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who is that woman with Matt?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress" says her husband.
"Ours is prettier" she replies
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler one nun said to the other, " Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the check-out."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our convent we call it catholic shampoo."
Without batting an eye the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said:
"The curlers are on the house."
