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Old 07-31-2010, 8:29am   #378
Mr Hole
That's MR Hole To You
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VatorMan View Post
Probably his hemorrhoid thread.
That was Sensi Earl's, Tom. I just happen to have a copy of it handy.....
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Let me tell you about my hemorrhoids



You can't sit. You can't eat spicy food, it burns both ways. You take a dump, look in the toilet and think all of a sudden God made you a woman and you're having a really bad period.

Then, you realize, that you are really still a man. A man with bad hemorrhoids. You know, that type that actually request Preparation H.

Usually, the blood is a bright red. This is a good sign. You see, if it was dark, this could indicate dried blood, which might mean you have a more serious problem.

Oh, I almost forgot, watch out for those leafy veggies. They don't digest real well. You go to the can, and you think you have a long hair coming out of your butt. It's the lettuce. Not that this is usually a bad feeling. Actually, it might feel quite nice, if it wasn't for those damn hemorrhoids acting up.

Wanna exercise? Forget it. The pressure pushes the little monsters out. Talk about wanting to scratch your butt. You can't scratch your butt in public. So, you have to learn to temporarily walk funny, you know, in a way so that your cheeks gently massage the hemorrhoid giving it some temporary itch relief.

I've heard that some folks have hemorrhoids sooooo bad, that they can actually tie a rubber band around it and make it fall off.

Of course, now there is laser surgery. Kaiser Permanate was sued a few years back over a hemorrhoid operation. Turns out the guys goes in to take care of his pain in the butt (no, not his wife) and dies from an infection caused by the surgery.

For long-term relief, it is best to take in more fiber. Metamucil works great. It works better and taste better than Citrucel.

If you've seen the Citrucel commercials, you've notice that they say they are different from Metamucil because Citrucel doesn't give you gas.

That's true. You get gas from Metamucil. Lots of gas. Have you ever smelled a hemorrhoid fart? Damn, even I have to leave the room.

I feel much better now. Think I'll go scratch my butt
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