I’m going to share something very personal. I’m sure some with less than stellar character will later use this against me. That’s on them.
I’ve been fighting hella depression for 25 years. With most of your neurotransmitters created in your gut, depression is just about guaranteed with Crohns Disease.
I also have leukemia. It’s a damn miracle I’ve lived this long.
This causes some issues with my brain chemistry. But not sadness. Mostly fatigue.
But knowing your life is fragile and that your family will out live you is, frankly, depressing. Hiding from viruses 365 days a year is stressful. Waking up in the hospital 2-5x a year is frightening.
My dad taught me that “you can only do your best. If you can go to bed at night and truthfully say you did your best, all is good.”
I do my best. I may come back at someone who is insensitive, cruel or derogatory but I’m never one who instigates. Most of the time I just let it go.
What I hope is that we can be kinder to each other. I’ve had several people say incredibly insensitive things about me dying and it gets old.
There is something really wrong with anyone blessed with a healthy and strong body and mind ripping on those less fortunate. It’s a low blow that should never be used.
If you don’t like something I say or post, try skipping the thread. Or put me on ignore.
But have some humility and some humanity. I don’t let any of these challenges stop me. I’ve been shot, broke my back and pelvis in a car accident, came hours within dying on several occasions (once while delivering medical aid - oh the irony), and through it all I have a “can do” attitude. Had surgeries, crazy infections, medial mistakes requiring more surgeries, I’ve ruined my wife’s life as she has become a caretaker and I’m losing my eyesight rapidly.
She is happy to do it but I see the wear and tear. She didn’t sign up for this.
I don’t say any of this for sympathy.
I request that anyone reading this take a moment to reflect on what you have. I know some here have health problems. You will only get support from me.
For those who are lucky to have stability financially, good mental and physical health I don’t expect you to understand. Just like I can’t understand what is like to be able to go places and do the things you want to do. I can’t comprehend feeling good. My fatigue is so extreme at times I can’t go up the stairs.
I only want to work to support my family. I ask for no handouts. Most of my time is spent helping other people (musicians for example - although I’m changing my mind there. Too many pussies who don’t want to work) - or doing free consulting for friends who need help but can’t afford my fees. Or bringing medical aid to disaster areas amd war zones - otherwise I’m working 50 hours a week.
I vent here occasionally like everyone. There is no one to talk to around me. I’m the breadwinner who can’t stay on my feet long enough to make progress. I have zero control over it.
It’s been 14 years of struggle. Yet, I’m not down and I’m not even unhappy. I’m just tired.
Part of me hopes I do get the virus. That will end my pain. If I didn’t have a family who means everything to me, I would have swallowed a .45 long ago.
I live with this every day. When you say hurtful things it may be fun for you, but it is harmful. And you never know what someone might be going through.
I’m also not a fan of oppressive governments and I understand what the prescription is.
You see, it doesn’t matter anymore to me. My days are numbered. Freedom is THE most important thing to me. If I die defending it, so be it. If people marginalize me because I fight, so be it. I’ll still fight for them.
This doesn’t mean I’m taking up arms. It means I am not going to be silenced by the mini-totalitarians that think I should just take it and keep my mouth shut. I will speak my mind. I will expose tyranny. Let the chips fall where they may.
I will always promote freedom and call out the powers that be when they tread on it. You can choose differently. I won’t degrade you if you choose the safe route. Some things are bigger than us.
Good luck out there.
I’m sure few will read.
