This from my thread over there......thanks Mikey!
Contemplating suicide
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.
She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."
Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"
"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I rode on a train.'"
She then turns to little Mark, a kindly, young lad and asks, "And how about you, Mark?"
Mark put a finger to his lips and thought real hard. "I went to the animal place and saw the stripy horsies."
"Simply exquisite," the teacher replied, "But say you saw zebras at the zoo next time, alright dear?"
After Mark nodded, the teacher turned to colorful and spirited Franky. "How about you, Frank?"
The little boy tilted his head after a second and said, "I read a...book!"
"Very good!" The teacher said, glowing with pride. "And what did you read?" She asked, beaming.
Frank thought long and hard for a second, then smiled real big, puffed up his chest and said in a great, big voice:
"Winnie the Shit!"
The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.
The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.
"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and performance records are outdated. We ask that you come with us to perform some tests."
The president agrees, gets up out of his chair and follows the group of agents to a private and secluded athletics field.
"This won't take long Mr. President, simple tests. First off, we need you to do as many push-ups as you can without stopping." and so the president gets down, takes a deep breath and does a strong 62 push-ups.
"Good job sir, next we need you to hold these weights out in front of you and do as many squats as you can without stopping"
The president gets in his best stance and begins squatting. He does a burly 45 squats before giving out.
"Impressive sir, just one more test. We need you to run a mile around this track as fast as you can."
The president tightens the laces on his shoes, adjusts his headband and takes a quick drink of water, then gets on the starting line. The agents count him off and he takes off running. Several minutes later he passes through the finish line sweating and breathing hard.
"Very good sir, that's one of the most impressive mile lap times I've ever seen."
The president says "Am I the best?'
The agent takes a second to flip through some papers on his clipboard before going "Ehh.. not quite. You're second best overall with a time of 10 minutes and 32 seconds."
The president says "What? Who did better than me?"
"Well, Bush did 9:11."
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…
… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" He asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
The Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a spoon, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
A lawyer is pulled over by a cop.
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
A WWII joke
A retired British World War II pilot is in an interview on the BBC reminiscing about his days in the air force: "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was escorting some bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, some Fokkers appeared. I had Fokkers coming in on my right and Fokkers coming in on my left." At this point the interviewer interrupts him. "We should point out to those of our listeners that are wondering, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft." "That's true," says the pilot, "but these ****ers were Messerschmidts."
I decided to play a joke on my dad
Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.
This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the table, my dad entered the kitchen, with fury in his eyes.
"If I find one of those stupid cards again, then I'm going to kick your ass!", he said as he reached for the fridge.
I whispered to myself "I'm toast."
