Gender Speak
Copyright © 2021 William Kevin Stoos
I remember law school lecturers
With choice of words meticulous
Who strained to speak so gender-free
They sounded quite ridiculous.
They never said just “him” or “her,”
“Him/her” was always used;
Nor said they “he,” they used “he/she,”
Lest they became abused
By a group of vocal students
(Of the feminist persuasion)
Who hung upon their ev’ry word
And hissed on each occasion
When that poor ‘ole harried law
School prof dared to slip and render
Any noun or pronoun of the solely male gender.
Well, I couldn’t see the need to be
Quite so gender-free;
And I used to think there’s nothing
wrong with using “he” or “she;”
Why, I’d say “Miss” and “Missus”
As callow as can be,
(And open doors for ladies
Out of sexist chivalry!)
Yes, “chairman” was just fine with me
And I had never found
As good a word as “mankind”—
A collective human noun.
But I am not a sexist now—
As in my former days—
And I believe all chauvinists
Should mend their evil ways.
We shall forsake all gender
When our sexist age is ended
And use just simply “persons,”
So no one is offended.
Why consider “men” and “women”—
They’re as sexist as can be!
(For ‘Persons” and “Wo-persons”
Are truly gender free.)
“Manhole “covers won’t be found
In any city street—
Think of them as “personholes.”
(That’s neutral and discreet.)
Was it: “Peace on Earth,
Goodwill to Men.”
Those angels dared to sing?
(For “Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Persons”
Has a better ring.)
“Person your battle-stations!”
Will be the Admiral’s cry
When those old nasty sexist days
Have finally passed us by.
And the first man (“person”) on
The moon—
That naughty astronaut—
Brought gender into outer space
When he spoke that sexist rot:
“One small step for man,” he said
“One leap for all mankind.”
(I’ll bet those liberated few Blew their collective mind!)
For had this sexist astronaut
Been a bit refined,
“T'would’ve been a step for “person”
And a leap for “personkind.”
And those sexist automakers
Must make a firm decision
To neutralize the gender of
Their “manual” transmission.
Lest, through undue sexist bent
Our legal system totter,
Rename the crime for killing—
And call it “personslaughter.”
To spare those vocal feminists
From further cause to worry
We’ve made it mandatory that
“Forepersons” lead each jury.
Well, I believe each “person”
Should have the right to say
Whatever “he/she” wants to
In “his/her” separate way.
Whether “person” or “woperson,”
Each should be quite free
To walk and talk in “personkind”
With all impunity.
But for me, well, I’m no sexist
(I’ll refrain from “he” or “she-ing)
‘Cause I just simply want to be
A good “huperson being!”
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