[Louie Detroit]

Best Vasectomy Jokes

Did you hear about the man who had a vasectomy because he didn’t want to have kids?
But when he came back home, they were still there.

John thought a vasectomy wouldn’t get his wife pregnant.
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

What does a man who’s have a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Alpaca.
(Alpaca who?)
Alpaca the ice, you just got snipped and need to take it easy for a while!

Did you hear about the wife who made her husband promise to stop making stupid jokes?
So he got a vasectomy.

Wife: You got a vasectomy without even telling me. Are you serious?
Husband: I am not kidding you.

Do you know that the vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides?
His original instructions were as follows: “Euclipides nuts.”

What does a king call a vasectomy?
An heir cut.

What do you call a cheap vasectomy?
A bloody ripoff.

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy?
He got the sack.

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.
They were publicly desemenated.

A man went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.
The doctor said, “This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”
He said, “Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3..”

What did the balls yell at the penis after the vasectomy?
“You’re nutting without me!”

Recommended: Penis Jokes

Did you hear about the wife who wants to prove she’s brave enough to get a vasectomy?
He husband told her that she doesn’t have the balls to do it.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.

What is the title for a movie about a man who is going to get his vasectomy reversed?
Scrotal Recall!

How does a guy prove he’s tough?
He jogs home after his vasectomy.

Derren’s lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked him to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if they did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren’t man haters!
For six months now they’ve been trying but Derren just doesn’t have the heart to tell them that he had a vasectomy last year.

Why did the old black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
“Cause if I gonna be impotent, I better look impotent, too.”

What do vasectomies and breathalyzers have in common?
The goal is to blow a zero.

What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger gets his vasectomy reversed?
Scrotal re-ball.

Why was the topologist confident about performing a vasectomy?
Because open balls are in his neighborhood.

How does sex change for a man before and after a vasectomy?
You won’t notice a vas deferens.

A redneck couple had had enough after the birth of their ninth child since they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and requested that his dog be snipped. “Me’n my cousin don’t want no more kids.”
The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. “There is a cheaper option,” said the vet. “Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up, and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”
“I ain’t no rocket surgeon,” said the redneck, “but how’s that gonna help me?”
“Trust me,” said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:
“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”
Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

What do you call a discount on circumcision and vasectomy at the same time?
A package deal.

What do you call the testicles of a man who’s had a vasectomy?
Seedless grapes.

What kind of street does a vasectomy urologist live on?
A cul-de-sac.

Two women are discussing their love lives.
Jo says, “I have to be careful not to get pregnant.”
Jenny looks confused, “But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy.”
“He did,” says Jo. “That’s why I need to be extra careful.”

What do you call a trombone player who’s had a vasectomy?
A eunuchorn!

What state is a man in after their vasectomy?
Neva-da.

What do you call when a man from a royal family gets a vasectomy?
Nobles (No balls).

An artist’s wife starts having sex with him daily.
While a bit unusual, he didn’t question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.
“Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?”
“Of course!” he replied. “What would you like me to draw?”
“What do you think our baby will look like.”
He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.
“What the hell is this?” she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no visible wounds.
“I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!” she repeated.
“And I got a vasectomy five years ago,” he said. “So I drew a blank.”