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On his deathbed, a husband
On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife, "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish."
"What is it?", she asked. "Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door." "But I thought you hated Ken?", she said. "I do", said the husband. ------------------------------------------------------------- Your momma is so fat, they use the elastic from her underwear for bungee jumping. When she walked in front of the TV, I missed two episodes. When she turns sideways, we enter Daylight Savings Time. ------------------------------------------------------- that girl is so ugly that.... she passed out at a frat party and woke up wearing more clothes. -------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about that newlywed couple on their honeymoon down in Florida yesterday? The husband was swimming and died from a shark bite. But he didn't suffer long; he'd only been married two days. ------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar, but the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. The man walks back in the bar a few minutes later, and the bartender throws him out again. Once again the drunk walks into the same bar. The bartender is just about to toss him out when the man looks at the bartender and asks, "How many bars do you own, anyway?" |
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." |
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in,
he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'what the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?' The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis? ' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!' A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD' because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?' Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret. ' Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?' The customer says . . . . . . 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!' |
:Jeff '79:
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Good joles!
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Thank you all! :seasix: :lol:
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A woman walks into her church to speak to the priest.
"Father, me husband Seamus passed away last night" Father: "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he have any last words?" Mary: "Why yes Father, he said "Mary, put down the gun..."" :D |
Why I fired my secretary
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday I wasn't feeling too hot That morning anyway I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday I said well, that's wives for you, The children will remember The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered, I worked until noon About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go we went out into the country to a little private place We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously On the way back to the office, she said "You know, it's such a beautiful day We don't need to go back to the office, Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children All were singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I sat... . . . . with nothing on but my socks...... |
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ______________________________ _______ A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' ______________________________ _______ 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' ______________________________ _______ A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ______________________________ _______ An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ______________________________ _______ Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ______________________________ _______ A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. ______________________________ _______ Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ______________________________ _______ Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' ______________________________ _______ A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ______________________________ _______ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. ______________________________ _______ The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' |
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little Johnny calls 911...
911, "what's your emergency?" Johnny: "I'm masturbating too much." 911: "That's not a problem." Johnny: "Did you hear that, mom?" ---------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar, orders ten shots of bourbon, and starts drinking them down as fast as he can,The bartender asks,Hey mister, why are you drinking so fast?" The man replies,You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."What do you have ?"the bartender asks sympathetically. "About seventy five cents!" ---------------------------------------------- *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant." |
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Difference Between Women And Men
1.NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2.EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3.MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. 4.BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5.ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... Is the beginning of a new argument. 6.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7.FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8.SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9.MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does. 10.DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11.NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12.OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. |
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