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Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 4:17am

It's go ahead, make me laugh!
It's Friday Barners.......what do you have to make us all laugh? :toetap:

Colonoscopy Anyone?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work..
There's usually an ass hole in charge. :yesnod:


Greek ATM login screen.....


Always pay your bills.....

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. 
Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. 
However, he knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. 
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, 
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. 
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero. 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. 
The King immediately summoned Nick.

:jester: where's that damn Aflac duck? :toetap:


Jeff '79 07-17-2015 4:54am

1 Attachment(s)
Attachment 4676

CertInsaneC5 07-17-2015 5:31am

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'
Then I thought... > >Heck - I could win this!'


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife from America were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery,' asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.


A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damned thing must be an hour fast.”


and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier
said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad!
A seriously depressed, but very attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

aerovette 07-17-2015 8:05am

I got in trouble for "inappropriate massages" in the office.
One of the ladies filed the complaint in order to get me fired.
I told her "Good luck with that, I don't even work here".

aerovette 07-17-2015 9:12am

Two friends of mine stole a calendar...they each got six months.

DukeAllen 07-17-2015 9:55am


Originally Posted by aerovette (Post 1381683)
Two friends of mine stole a calendar...they each got six months.


How many ears does a trekkie have?

DukeAllen 07-17-2015 9:57am

Only those that have served and eaten MRE's can truly appreciate this...

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on
something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that
eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the
Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
another pot, I blended the Chicken A-la-king, noodles, and rice together to
a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the
for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops and a bed
yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingies from one of my spice cans.
(Hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingies on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila - Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" - it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class VI Store) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes
guess ... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is
... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic
in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me
how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a
or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine"
had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank
glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay
yeah ... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make ... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a
resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin...

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch,
time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with
as she again sends flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time,
they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed,
again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of
rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up
FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used
bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army
she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a

She called me yesterday. Seems she was constipated for 3 days, and when she
finally did go, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was
first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the

I know, I'm an A-H, but it was still a funny night.

DukeAllen 07-17-2015 10:06am

2 Attachment(s)
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate..
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....
(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' asks Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 10:19am

If Bruce or Caitlyn Jenner goes missing, whose picture will they put on a carton of Half & Half? :bilmem:


I wish I could remember these when the appropriate time comes up.....When Insults Had Character:

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx


Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 10:20am

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 10:27am

Woman in Britain gets plowed while getting plowed....:hump:
Woman Crashes Car Due to Furious Masturbation During Traffic Jam


A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary fans.

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Hillary fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Hillary?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Conservative.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Conservative.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Conservative and my Dad’s a Conservative, so I’m a Conservative.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Hillary fan.”


DukeAllen 07-17-2015 10:42am

1 Attachment(s)
Looks like they banned it too late :funny:

DukeAllen 07-17-2015 10:43am

Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there is no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike`s Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that`s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur`s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of reach of children. I`m not sure what I`m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred`s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I`ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I`m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba`s Black Attack

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT! Just like this nuclear waste I`m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda`s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground. Adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had fried my brains. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I`m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera`s Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I`m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can`t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan`s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn`t feel a thing. I`ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered in chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they`ll know what killed me. I`ve decided to stop breathing, it`s too painful. Screw it, I`m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I¹ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy`s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it`s existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he`s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he`d have reacted to really hot chili.

DukeAllen 07-17-2015 10:49am

1 Attachment(s)
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back
down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends
went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job
or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must
be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are fecking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 10:53am

This really works! I tried it & it was exactly correct! Try it when you have nothing better to do!


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-
but the Hershey Man will know!

This is pretty neat.

It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1765...
If you haven't, add 1764..

6... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!)

I didn't try one said there'd be math today....:D

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 10:54am

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 10:56am

The Highway Patrol usually wins out......

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 11:01am

A Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...." :cheers:

Defib1961 07-17-2015 1:12pm

Kerrmudgeon 07-17-2015 3:00pm

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?


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