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Old 11-10-2017, 11:32am   #1 (permalink)
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Default A man walks into a bar.............

The bar jar

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

....
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Old 11-10-2017, 11:35am   #2 (permalink)
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Old 11-10-2017, 12:16pm   #3 (permalink)
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No wonder the Pit Bulls are pissed off.
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Old 11-10-2017, 12:51pm   #4 (permalink)
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A guy walks into a bar.

..and he notices a jar stuffed with $20's.

When he asked about it, the bartender explained that you bet twenty dollars and if you can make that horse out back laugh, you get the jar of money.

The guy bets the twenty and walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs and the guy walks back in and says: "I'll take the jar now."

The bartender says: "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."

The guy walks outside again. The bartender chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass, but soon hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.

Guy: "Alright, count the money and double it."

Barkeeper: "What did you say to make the horse laugh?"

Guy : "I told him I my dick was bigger than his."

Barkeeper: "What did you do to make him cry?"

Guy: "I showed him."
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Old 11-10-2017, 12:52pm   #5 (permalink)
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:08pm   #6 (permalink)
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So, I was walking through the mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store".

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "Phuk off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:15pm   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixievet View Post
So, I was walking through the mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store".

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "Phuk off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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Old 11-10-2017, 09:59pm   #8 (permalink)
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Old 11-10-2017, 10:36pm   #9 (permalink)
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A black man walks into a bar with a gorgeous multi-colored parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep was clearly impressed.
"Wow, were in the world did you get that"? He asked.
"Africa", replied the parrot.
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Old 11-10-2017, 10:54pm   #10 (permalink)
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On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a business man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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Old 11-10-2017, 11:54pm   #11 (permalink)
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Attendees of a high level United Nation meeting are flying home. The plane develops a problem that requires 3 passengers to sacrifice themselves to save the rest.
Upon hearing the pilot's announcement:
The British member jumped up, shouted "God Save The Queen", and leaped out.
The French member jumped up, shouted "Viva La France", and was gone.
The American member, (a Texan) shouted "Remember the Alamo", grabbed the Mexican and threw him out.
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Old 11-11-2017, 04:42am   #12 (permalink)
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where's the bar tender?"
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Old 11-11-2017, 10:58am   #13 (permalink)
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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Old 11-11-2017, 01:43pm   #14 (permalink)
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IF the indians had given the pilgrims a donkey for TG, instead of a turkey....



we would all be having a piece of ass for dinner.....



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Old 11-12-2017, 06:48am   #15 (permalink)
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Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a frog on her head.

Shocked, the bartender asks: "What the hell is that!?"

The frog says: "Well, it started out as a wart on my ass."
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:12am   #16 (permalink)
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The past, present, and future, walk into a bar....

It was tense
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