It's FRIDAY, so make me laugh, dammit!

[Kerrmudgeon]

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .








'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble !!'



:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Weenie Test

Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, were on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggested that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he said. "Okay," they all agreed.

The Irish kid pulled down his zipper and whipped it out.

"That's nothing," said the Italian kid. He whipped his out, and proudly showed that his was at least an inch longer.. Not to be outdone, the Black kid whipped his out. It was by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asked him what he did at school that day.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asked the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids said it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"

His momma replied, "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen, and still in the third grade."


:jester:

[DukeAllen]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was screwing you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Pics/ParadiseVirgins.jpg

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties.
"Since when do you wear womens underwear?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

[Kerrmudgeon]

A rose by any other name.....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.


:jester:

[DukeAllen]

One evening a woman pulled in a gas station on a motorcycle, hopped off and told him to "Fill it up."

The attendant said, "Ma'am, you might want to let it cool down a bit first as it is mighty hot and might catch fire."

Fill 'er up" she said ... "If you'd been between my legs for the last 300 miles, you'd be hot too !"

[Kerrmudgeon]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

B.O.O.M......

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a
three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25%
this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in
the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to
its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir
told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in
the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like
this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief
executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathise with our workers'
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between
reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife
benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be
able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the
change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their
areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide
bombings has been attributed to the popularity of Scottish singing star,
Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and
have reconsidered their benefit package.

[DukeAllen]

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches and says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?". The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?". The gay waiter says, "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret". The waiter says, "SECRET?". The customer says, "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

[DukeAllen]

Two queers are sharing an apartment. One queer comes home to find the other one smearing Vaseline all over his chest. "What are you doing?" the first queer asks. The second queer replies that he read that putting Vaseline on your body promotes hair growth. The first queer says, "If that was true, you would have a ponytail growing out of your ass by now."

[DukeAllen]

Robert is invited to attend his girl friends parents house for Christmas dinner. As this is his first time meeting the family, he is a very nervous but they all sit down around the table and begin eating a fine Xmas turkey dinner. Feeling a little discomfort, no thanks to nervousness and the cheesy cauliflower casserole, gas pains are increasing, making him wince and eyes are starting to water. Left with really no other choice, he decides to relieve the pressure a wee bit and lets out a dainty fart. Not that loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before getting embarrassed, girl friend's father looked at the dog snoozing under his chair said in a stern voice, "Skippy!". He thought, "Great! Saved on that one". But couple of minutes go by but the pains return. This time, why hesitate, blame it of the dog. So he lets a much louder and longer rrrriiip. Her father looks at the dog with disgust and yells, " Dammit Skippy, get away from him, before he craps on you!."

['77Babe]

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches and says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?". The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?". The gay waiter says, "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret". The waiter says, "SECRET?". The customer says, "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

:lol:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon paused for some length, which alarmed the girl, and a small tear ran down from her eye. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?", She sobbed. He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

http://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/887x756/80-bs1_ad1241c28eb41027449d7a3221cb7fb025f6e7c7.png


3 old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/841x742/80-bs3_bd6616543435fa6d7f914ee9998d50b30f3c154b.png

http://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/837x219/80-bs5_2b2249aae18507724cb4c9e63b6b4297302be6b6.png
:rofl:

[DukeAllen]

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[SQUIRMIN VERMIN 84]

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an
Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful
desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he
sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and
do it or he would probably never have any peace of
mind. The next day he came home from
work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted
to know what had happened.
Mickey tearfully confessed his
tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. He went on to explain that today
he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately
fired. Mary gasped and ran over to her
husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only
to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I
don't understand. What about the pickle
slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she
got fired too."

[Steve Austin]

:funnier::funnier::funnier::funnier::funnier::funnier::funnier:
Damn.:funnier::funnier::funnier::funnier: