It's Friday, go ahead and make me LAUGH!

[Kerrmudgeon]

I got nothing this morning and I'm kinda bummed.:(

Whadda ya got? :bigears:

[Kerrmudgeon]

It's only a game!

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is?
What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied
the boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a
team?" The boy nodded in yes.

The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you
understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a
chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach a dumb ass or damn puzzy is it?" "No,
coach.


"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that
to your Grandmother"!

:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Ok, I'm feeling a little better..........:D




Larry The Cable Guy - Solutions

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems-- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.


:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

LITTLE ROTTEN JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN...

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.:cry:


:jester:

[StaticCling]

An older couple were on the verge of making love for the first time when all of a sudden the older lady looks into the older man's eyes and says, "I must tell you I have an acute angina!" The man replies, "I hope so! You sure do have ugly tits!"

[StaticCling]

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, mine says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

[Rob]

Cmo'n Kermie...we can go to lunch here to make you feel better


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPkMUU9tUqk

[Kerrmudgeon]

Cmo'n Kermie...we can go to lunch here to make you feel better


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPkUU9tUqk

:rofl:.......best offer I've had in a while! :thumbs:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Don't be messin with old geezers......:toetap:

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and
decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?"
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: --- "Aaagh !! This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't. That is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so, here's your $1000 back." Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..." Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer" !!!





:lolsmile:

[Kerrmudgeon]

No one escapes, we all get old.....:yesnod:

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under
Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to
live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
...."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're
pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your
glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out..

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your
car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it
is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?
A: On their
foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember
these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor! :D

[DukeAllen]

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

http://www.instanthumour.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/its-friday_e.jpg

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

http://www.instanthumour.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/friday.jpg

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by surprising them wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compare notes...
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Kerrmudgeon]

I have to drive Mr. Daisy for a few hours.....better now....back later. Keep 'em coming.:seasix:

Duke....you da man!

[DukeAllen]

http://comicsidontunderstand.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/earwax.jpg

I was on vacation and ran into an old friend. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there."

I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, ya. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001269877/Lunch_xlarge.jpeg

Did you hear about the guy who went into an auto parts store and said to the clerk, "Can I get a new gas cap for a Yugo?"

The clerk thought for a second and said, "That seems like a fair trade."

[Rob]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTuvmQNiO3w

[86RAG]

During the first quarter of the next new moon go outside at 11:00pm and face the south.
Bend over at the waist to form a ninety degree angle.
Bend the knees at a forty five degree angle.
Then get a hand mirror and hold it between your legs.
With a bit of luck, and if all the angles are correct, you should be able to see Uranus.


A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"
The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."
The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"
The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister"


Why am I getting a divorce?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the couch naked.

:D :cert:

[CertInsaneC5]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTuvmQNiO3w

You just ain't quite right. :rofl:

[Rob]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RS-A6LBoKeI

[Kerrmudgeon]

Ole and Sven......

One day two old bachelor men Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalog and admiring all the beautiful models Ole said to Sven,"Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?"

Sven replied,"Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da
prices!" Ole looked wide eyed and said, "Yumpin' yimminy. Dey ain't very expensive. At dees prices I'm buyin' me
vun." Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, "by golly Ole, if she'sas perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vuntoo."

Three weeks laterSven came by and asked Ole, "did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?" Ole replied,"no, but it von't be long now, her clothes came yesterday!"


:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Ol Dixie boy appears to have gone around the deep end. :(
Dat shit ain't right.:crazy:

[NeedSpeed]

http://31.media.tumblr.com/97a6f3c4063f1c8805fe5488a686ea1b/tumblr_nonuprTNy51qzol4do1_500.gif

http://40.media.tumblr.com/2372c6d30b1e1e01ce5cf060b93f52ee/tumblr_nonuprTNy51qzol4do2_500.png

[Kerrmudgeon]

Why I Call Him Honey...........

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,

“I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head. “I have to tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago,

and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.”


:jester:


A very elderly gentleman,
walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid
nineties.

He was very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling
slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well
looked after image,

Seated at the bar was an
elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman
walks over and sits along side of her.

He orders a
drink.

He takes a
sip.

He slowly turns to her and
says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


:jester:


http://i730.photobucket.com/albums/ww310/provettional/Image1271.jpg

http://i730.photobucket.com/albums/ww310/provettional/DSCN0378-COPY.jpg

http://i83.photobucket.com/albums/j287/jacks66/Misc/Dog%20Arrested_zpsh4vdrapm.jpg

[NeedSpeed]

http://40.media.tumblr.com/1f24b9cd34a5c9d46f09319221da7344/tumblr_noqf9skH9i1qewacoo1_500.jpg

[Ms.Gem]

:rofl::rofl::rofl: Thanks for the laughs guys.:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::seasix:

[73sbVert]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTuvmQNiO3w

WTF did I just watch?? :ack:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Yup, just had a big bowl of HOT (Gozar would be proud) chilli, so tonight could be one of these........:D

https://youtu.be/xjCCk-ewLYw

http://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/450x282/80-fire_3e2995d496eaf32fca1d475968d015a4c5db9d74.png

http://cimg4.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/216x274/80-unsafe_587b12217cb9aa1cc927a430a201656958571c21.jpg

http://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/397x282/80-speedbumps_46983d49387a7c52f8af7c2142f2f37cfe54d66d.png

[DukeAllen]

http://blog.theregularguynyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/3-funny-fart-jokes.jpg

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."

http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/407576_2966860623408_1618440371_2557550_513901949_n.jpg

http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/C-old-sexual-relations.jpg

[Kerrmudgeon]

And speaking of farting.....:D

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."


:jester:

[CertInsaneC5]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Defib1961]

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the Texas Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat. An illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills
him.

As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!" protests the Californian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't bait them."

[DukeAllen]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do. How do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support. Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.

[Kerrmudgeon]

I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?"

I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?"

"I sure do," she answered.

"Well," I said, "You better get back into it before the farmer notices that you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.


:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

This little Toyota commercial is pretty funny......

https://youtu.be/i3RfwVyz50Q

[Kerrmudgeon]

A few quickies.....:D

Stop-and-shop has bought A&P. The new co will be named Stop and P. (Steven Wright.)


I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive for a change. (Steven Wright)


A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."


Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)


A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."


:jester:

[Kerrmudgeon]

Traveling in Europe

… Angela Merkel goes to France and while in passport control the immigration agent asks:
"Name?". She answers :"Angela Merkel".

The agent then asks: "Occupation?", and she goes: "No,... Just here for a couple of days"



Flying abroad.....

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out," Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

" Lecturer," she responded." I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

" Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

" Well," she explained, " One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

" Tonto," the man said," Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


:jester: