Go Ahead....make my Friday....laugh! [Archive]

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Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 7:02am

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend
is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

:jester:....:thumbs:

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 7:05am

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that rotten prick, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

:jester:

I was standing at the bar in Wells, Nevada and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 7:08am

Meanwhile on the 18th....

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down... waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Roy asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Roy shook his head and said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

:jester:

Uncle Meat

05-15-2015, 8:02am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Jd9AmepgdM

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 8:42am

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 8:47am

http://www.iq-forums.com/forums/attachments/off-topic-discussions/1927d1355253627-share-your-latest-iq-small-car-joke-us-smart_mom.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/09/83/7c/09837c4e0927338779f859a133b3faf9.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f7/19/21/f71921e51cacca5de8953a9d610d137b.jpg

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:02pm

The old when we were young has come all the way around the world. This version from Auzzie land.....mate! :D

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's and 70’s
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films, or colour TV
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating ..
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

:jester:

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:07pm

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of

town,

he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he

inserted his "manhood" into the equipment

, turned on the switch and everything else was

automatic.

Soon, he

realized that the equipment provided

him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the

fun

was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the

instrument from his 'member'.

He read the

manual but didn't find any useful

information on how to disengage himself. He tried

every

button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally

, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service

hot

line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just

bought a milking machine from

your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove

it

from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry,"

replied the customer service rep,

"The machine will release automatically once it's

collected

two gallons. Have a nice day!" :(

:jester:

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:15pm

You guys will love this one....:D

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.

:jester:

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:17pm

A man turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you know it's National
Orgasm Day?"

"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:19pm

Late Monday morning, the grizzled fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every

fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse

hovering over him.

He remembered he'd been in a, no shit, serious flying accident Saturday.

The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the

eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the

waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! :thumbs:

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:25pm

This is the best analogy yet!

A solution for the mess that America/Canada/Australia/NZ is now in economically.....

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it

on my back porch and filled it

with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it

lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit. It was
everywhere: on the patio tiles,
the chairs, the table ..........
everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.

And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ..... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.......:toetap:
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than "ours" are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
just continue cleaning up the shit!

:(

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:28pm

.....I'm getting tired of laughing at my own jokes....:toetap:

Duke gets a pass....:clap:

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 2:42pm

Some things never change.....

As we age, is this what we are going to become???

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home.

While walking down the hall, she came across an open door.

She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?'

He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto .' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night as she walked past Frank's room she saw the same thing.

Again she asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?'

He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto .. It's a two day trip, you know!'

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.

She saw Bob pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Bob, what are you doing?'

Bob replied, 'I'm dancing with Franks wife. He's gone to Toronto for a couple of days...'.

:jester:

VITE1

05-15-2015, 2:57pm

Funny stuff.

mrvette

05-15-2015, 3:17pm

Hey Mudge, laughed my ass off, thanks for the thread, so much I had to post a link to here instead of copy paste to Vettemod, where they have a long standing joke thread for years now.....:seasix::hurray:

VITE1

05-15-2015, 3:29pm

http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/How_182d85_82499.jpg

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 4:20pm

Ebonics Definitions

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other
day, man I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET
in the backyard.

3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out
a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go
after a week.

5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY
into space.

6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my
man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE
and got away.

8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH
I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got
her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a
stranger KENYA spare some change.

13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points.
My coach said, "DATA boy!"

15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show
up, I said, "COPULATE!"

16. FASCINATE - My girly's titties are so big. Her shirt
has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is
this BEWARE I get a job?"

18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION
hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that,
and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

20. DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a
couple of bitches on DECIDE.

:leaving:

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 4:25pm

http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/taxes-sn.jpg

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

http://crazyhyena.com/imagebank/g/forgot-d-me-dirty-meme.jpg

LATB

05-15-2015, 4:27pm

86RAG

05-15-2015, 4:57pm

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my Dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the f**k I am now...

86RAG

05-15-2015, 5:00pm

A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of Nashville, Tennessee. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from southeast middle Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

wwomanC6

05-15-2015, 5:16pm

http://i1089.photobucket.com/albums/i359/dixonwl/Caterday/h944E93E6_zpsbdz761xv.jpg

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http://i1089.photobucket.com/albums/i359/dixonwl/Caterday/168955423491631531_4rH55Qxm_c_zps49b29926.jpg

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http://i1089.photobucket.com/albums/i359/dixonwl/Caterday/35f1a2a0.jpg

Rob

05-15-2015, 6:03pm

4128

I had an extra dollar.

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 6:13pm

http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/meme/2014/09/Funny-old-people-cartoon.jpg

Girl - baby im wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, I want more then that ;)
Boy - want 2 paper towels?
Girl - no, baby I want something big and round ;)
Boy - damn you want the whole roll?

http://www.soveryfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/shout_dirty.jpg

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and ****ed her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you ****ing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/75/a2/a8/75a2a89e424bad2d61642d5043691fcb.jpg

LATB

05-15-2015, 7:08pm

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 9:25pm

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Kerrmudgeon

05-15-2015, 9:25pm

Definition of old

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!

---------------------------------------------------------

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"'98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure"

----------------------------------------------------------

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

:jester:

DukeAllen

05-15-2015, 10:37pm

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."

Ms.Gem

05-15-2015, 11:27pm

:lol::rofl::lol:

Kerrmudgeon

05-16-2015, 2:11am

FLAWLESS MALE LOGIC

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: So, where's your Ferrari? :toetap:

:jester:

Kerrmudgeon

05-16-2015, 10:47am

http://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/443x233/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_27583_1431628936_25_929efbe933754e66bbd3a951e0c5cf433ff47d6d.gif

http://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/400x219/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_26041_1431633764_15_25c02a54b9c577b35d0b2c026313e1a812b1fe89.gif

http://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/490x360/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_20919_1431631269_5_c34e55cdfc94b9f758d4e29cdcc1d092a2d98135.gif

http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/260x225/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_1880_1431633269_17_78107ab7a446998a3e5fc65375b62f6cf03ab3e9.gif

http://cimg4.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/400x304/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_8377_1431631137_6_b0fa00f01d8c69d92cc4d2ddb24fff058b1c2174.gif

and this oldie, always funny.....
http://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/230x182/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_6131_1431633234_19_8281fc27dfc8030434d91e0a74ed8912eb0c0854.gif

Kerrmudgeon

05-16-2015, 10:55am

Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that:

Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age will on average, have sex two to three times per week , whereas Japanese men in the same age group will have sex only once or twice per year.

This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

:jester:

73sbVert

05-16-2015, 12:38pm

A young boy and his father were shopping, and in one aisle they passed the condoms. The little boy pointed at the little box of three and asked his dad what they were for.

The father said "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday."

The little boy then pointed at the box of 6 next to them and asked what they were for.

The father said "Those are for college boys, two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for Sunday."

The little boy's eyes lit up and he excitedly pointed at the box of 12 next to that, and asked what they were for!

The father said "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

:D

Kerrmudgeon

05-16-2015, 3:35pm

http://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/640x294/80-healthtip_ac1d7e8147499ecc7dee01bd2d706155dd71a554.jpg

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband, for example

A wife comes home early from a trip late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes in to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

Hi Darling, he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello ?"

:jester:

Kerrmudgeon

05-16-2015, 3:40pm

Life has it's ways of turning around...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man...and then my own dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"

"But hell... enough about me... how are you doing??

:jester:

Kerrmudgeon

05-16-2015, 3:46pm

http://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/412x464/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_13055_1431632497_5_71f34f1b8ca15c733d28d3c2d10aef7459a54faf.gif

http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/268x480/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_30367_1431633103_11_2bb86bc1a679f0ae4c3c7a1a54cac6ffc7558390.gif

http://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/320x240/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_32329_1431631527_5_da70cc006306c43f1f8fe68cef4102694bba985c.gif

http://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/399x300/80-anigif_enhanced_buzz_31704_1431631292_5_9fdfe995bcf7266129cbddb6605f7a5cc219c447.gif

http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/430x539/80-h83cc9a8c_e1fddb60cc3ff1196dae122a08ca19cad405f81c.jpg

http://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/501x334/80-image001_b3d01b510bcf53dd29db9468301fb0428530e237.jpg

99 pewtercoupe

05-16-2015, 3:56pm

[QUOTE=Kerrmudgeon;1356286]

http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.corvetteforum.com-vbulletin/430x539/80-h83cc9a8c_e1fddb60cc3ff1196dae122a08ca19cad405f81c.jpg

QUOTE]

Right click, save as :rofl::rofl::rofl::shots:

CertInsaneC5

05-16-2015, 4:26pm

Story of aid and compassion

While strolling round the lake this morning about 6 am., I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised"
and "Death to all infidels" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and wanting to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 4 p.m. and none of the authorities have responded. The terrorist has drowned.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

CertInsaneC5

05-16-2015, 4:28pm

KNOW YOUR SCRIPTURE! "It's more powerful than any two-edged sword!"
You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

ACTS 2:38 - Conceal Carry and an Intruder

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled... 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar... 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'.