Jokes...

[lspencer534]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

******************

A hippie gets on a bus and sees a very hot nun sitting near the back.

He sits near her, and decides to take a shot. "Hey, you're pretty hot. Wanna have sex with me?"

The nun screams and runs off the bus at the next stop, obviously very freaked out.

The hippie, feeling defeated, decides to get off the bus as well.

The bus driver stops him and says "Hey, I saw you trying to get with that nun. She goes to this cemetery every Wednesday night and prays in front of this gravestone. Maybe if you dress up like God or something you can get her to do what you want."

The hippie thinks this is a great idea, and gets together a God costume.

Wednesday comes around, and the hippie is hiding in the cemetery bushes. He slips on his God mask and jumps out the nun. "Ahhhh I'm God! I will let you into heaven if you have sex with me!" The nun says " hmmm...ok. But it has to be in the butt to preserve my virginity."

So, they start going at it, and the hippie decides to give the nun a little surprise. So he pulls off his mask and yells "Surprise! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun pulls off her mask and yells "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"

******************

Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and she's driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windshield of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the dick on him?!"

[OddBall]

Bus driver :funniest:

[island14]

Scoring like in the Friday 5 threads...

1
3
2

:lol:



C'mon Spence, how about a Friday Funnies thread series? :island14:

[Jeff '79]

:Jeff '79:

http://i999.photobucket.com/albums/af113/jeff79/joke001_zps5e670ddf.jpg
I'm going....You need to shave and your tie is crooked.

[lspencer534]

Scoring like in the Friday 5 threads...

1
3
2

:lol:



C'mon Spence, how about a Friday Funnies thread series? :island14:

It can be done!

[island14]

Good for a few chuckles..

The dog at the end of this reminds me of Jeff's cartoon. :lol:

"America's Funniest Home Videos" Animal Clips - YouTube

[Jeff '79]

Good for a few chuckles..

The dog at the end of this reminds me of Jeff's cartoon. :lol:

"America's Funniest Home Videos" Animal Clips - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i479N2ei8Us)

:rofl: Now that's talent!

I love that show. I literally laugh for a half hour straight.:Jeff '79:

[CertInsaneC5]

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.


He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"


The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an
hour fast."


And that my friends....is Confidence.

[OddBall]

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.


He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"


The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an
hour fast."


And that my friends....is Confidence.

:Jeff '79::seasix:

[CertInsaneC5]

That's what I said ! ! T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T



A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F,"more slowly.
He again answered, S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T.."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F'means'Thank God, It's Friday.'Get it,duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

[CertInsaneC5]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled.

"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back,"No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

[CertInsaneC5]

While a woman is in bed with her lover (her husband's best friend) the phone rings.
It's the woman's house. So she reaches over and picks up the receiver.

She speaks in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, Hi! So glad you called. Really? ... That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks For Calling! Okay. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the phone and the guy asks, "Who was that?"

"My husband, telling me what a wonderful time he's having on the golfing trip with you."

[island14]

:lol:

[CertInsaneC5]

Making a Baby
!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, honey, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat .

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[CertInsaneC5]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
I says to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side!"

[DAB]

knock, knock

who's there?

fix your doorbell!! :slap:

[lspencer534]

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

*****************

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

He uses the finest ingredients.

*****************

I like my coffee like my women.

Without a penis.

[island14]

Making a Baby
!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, honey, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat .

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted



:lol: