lspencer534
01-15-2014, 8:13pm
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all Summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon drum of Legos. If Legos are not available, you can substitute roofing nails. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the child at night).
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octupus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Fill a large plastic jug halfway with water. Suspend from ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Now try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small bag and filling it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to hum and waltz with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up the bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Wife's Physical Test: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their disclipine, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize that they should never let their child run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon drum of Legos. If Legos are not available, you can substitute roofing nails. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the child at night).
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octupus (they turn bright red when they are unhappy). Stuff into a small net bag making sure all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Fill a large plastic jug halfway with water. Suspend from ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Now try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small bag and filling it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to hum and waltz with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up the bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Wife's Physical Test: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their disclipine, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize that they should never let their child run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers.