NCC-1701
01-14-2014, 3:17am
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my di@k. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fu@k out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense … when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fu@king goat trying to whistle!"
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fu@ked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
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The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, "Fu@k that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fu@king bike, and wanted to go home!
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A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."
:D
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fu@k out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense … when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fu@king goat trying to whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fu@ked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
_______________________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, "Fu@k that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fu@king bike, and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________
A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."
:D