Kerrmudgeon
04-07-2013, 12:58pm
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
:jester:* * * *
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "OK, What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Football, beer and women with big boobs."
:jester:* * * *
A guy got off work around 8pm and started for home. He stopped off at the local pub to have a beer or two and the next thing ya know, the bar was closing at 2am. Being quite intoxicated, he headed for home once again when he got a flat tire.
Digging throught the trunk, he found his spare but could not find his jack. He started walking when he came across a car along the road with the windows steamed up and rocking severely. He asked the guy inside the car if he could borrow his jack for a few minutes cause he had this flat tire down the road a piece.
The gentleman in the car told him that he had a better deal than that. He said, "How about you take over for me in here and I'll get my jack and go change your tire for you"
Seeing this as the opportunity of a lifetime, he agreed.
Next thing you know, the whole car lit up and there was a cop outside. The cop said, "What is going on here?"
The guy said, "I'm just making love with my wife"
The cop said, "Shouldn't you be doing that at home?"
The guy replied, "To tell you the truth officer, I didn't know it WAS my wife until you shined that light in her face.
:jester:***
The Golfer and the Lion
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous
blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's
cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his
tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for
several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like
that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
:jester***
(bet you thought that golf was going to be important huh?):rofl:
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
:jester:* * * *
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "OK, What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Football, beer and women with big boobs."
:jester:* * * *
A guy got off work around 8pm and started for home. He stopped off at the local pub to have a beer or two and the next thing ya know, the bar was closing at 2am. Being quite intoxicated, he headed for home once again when he got a flat tire.
Digging throught the trunk, he found his spare but could not find his jack. He started walking when he came across a car along the road with the windows steamed up and rocking severely. He asked the guy inside the car if he could borrow his jack for a few minutes cause he had this flat tire down the road a piece.
The gentleman in the car told him that he had a better deal than that. He said, "How about you take over for me in here and I'll get my jack and go change your tire for you"
Seeing this as the opportunity of a lifetime, he agreed.
Next thing you know, the whole car lit up and there was a cop outside. The cop said, "What is going on here?"
The guy said, "I'm just making love with my wife"
The cop said, "Shouldn't you be doing that at home?"
The guy replied, "To tell you the truth officer, I didn't know it WAS my wife until you shined that light in her face.
:jester:***
The Golfer and the Lion
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous
blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's
cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his
tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for
several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like
that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
:jester***
(bet you thought that golf was going to be important huh?):rofl: