Iron Chef
08-19-2010, 11:00am
Allright...I had to do this. Call it a public service. Call it a rant. Call it what you want. I have exposed myself to the wonderful world of Match.com. After 20 years of marriage and nearly 3 years in a relationship, I thought I'd seen all manner of F'd up. And this time, I promised myself that I'm gonna be damn sure that I get a little more data on the person I'm with in order to (hopefully) reduce the chances of me becoming a full-time sounding board, psychiatrist and babysitter.
I've put together a list of do's and dont's that you may use either for future dating reference or for the entertainment value at your next party. I've had to deal with all of these scenarios in some form or another, and I know I'm opening myself up for more ridicule than Unique Doug at a gay bar, but here goes:
1) Be honest with yourself when writing your profile. Is it easier for you to walk on two legs or be carted around on a pallet jack? There's a pallet jack loving guy out there, it's just not me.
2) Unless you're in the photos, don't post photos of your kids, your dogs, your backyard, some guys at a bar (consider this one carefully), birds, flowers, wildlife, moutains, the Eiffel Tower, pastries you made, your car, the junk in your car, etc. If I decide you're the right person for me, there's plenty of time for the slideshow later on. Photos of you in the endzone taken from the 50 yard line don't count either. If I can't make out what you look like, an alarm bell goes off in my head that says there's an excellent chance that you more closely resemble Larry "Bud" Melman than Christie Brinkley. High school photos? Forget it. We all know how the homecoming queen usually fares after 25 years.
3) Learn to READ and UNDERSTAND the profile of the individual you're considering. If the person says "No smokers, period" and you're a smoker, don't contact them. Comprehension is everything, and no...mint gum doesn't hide the fact that you had 3 Marlboro's before meeting me (the fact that your teeth are closer to Competition Yellow than white is also a dead giveaway). "Social Drinker" means you responsibly enjoy a cocktail now and then at happy hour or some wine with dinner. It does NOT mean you have the ability to plow through a 12-pack in the course of an afternoon. And I don't care if you do look a lot like a Hooter Girl: "non-religious" probably means that I will NOT be accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior anytime soon.
4) Make sure that when you contact someone, the person is really someone you think you'd like to be with. If you're only so-so about the profile, don't bother. This isn't FreeDinner.com.
5) I'm here...presumably...to get to know YOU, so NO, it's not ok if a friend or two comes with you on a date. Unless of course your friends are Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz and they're bringing a gallon of vegetable oil to the party.
6) Don't belabor your date with endless tales of "what a great guy my ex-boyfriend was" or anything similar. Sweetie, I hate to burst your bubble, but I really don't care if your ex gave Jonas Salk the formula for the polio vaccine. Despite the fact that some men can be very patient, we really don't want to hear about your various ex's and all the things they did. If you're still hung up on an ex, I'm hangin' up on you.
7) At this age, you should be fully aware of how much alcohol you can handle. Despite the possible "fun factor," turning yourself into a wobbling, card-carrying, open-all-night drunk on your first date with someone is gonna make you look like a class-A idiot. And to be honest, I don't want to be associated with your king-sized "oh sh!t moment" when you sober up.
8) Guys...for chrissakes be smart. First meeting should be drinks. Or coffee. Or maybe lunch. That way, if you do wind up sitting across the table from said class-A idiot (or, if "a few extra pounds" turns out to be "a few DOZEN extra pounds") you'll know that this particular trip through hell will only last about an hour. When you're a hour into a dinner date, the eject handle is damn hard to find.
Wow. I feel so much better now that I know I may have saved someone a lot of grief, or at least a trip to the emergency room.
:angel:
I've put together a list of do's and dont's that you may use either for future dating reference or for the entertainment value at your next party. I've had to deal with all of these scenarios in some form or another, and I know I'm opening myself up for more ridicule than Unique Doug at a gay bar, but here goes:
1) Be honest with yourself when writing your profile. Is it easier for you to walk on two legs or be carted around on a pallet jack? There's a pallet jack loving guy out there, it's just not me.
2) Unless you're in the photos, don't post photos of your kids, your dogs, your backyard, some guys at a bar (consider this one carefully), birds, flowers, wildlife, moutains, the Eiffel Tower, pastries you made, your car, the junk in your car, etc. If I decide you're the right person for me, there's plenty of time for the slideshow later on. Photos of you in the endzone taken from the 50 yard line don't count either. If I can't make out what you look like, an alarm bell goes off in my head that says there's an excellent chance that you more closely resemble Larry "Bud" Melman than Christie Brinkley. High school photos? Forget it. We all know how the homecoming queen usually fares after 25 years.
3) Learn to READ and UNDERSTAND the profile of the individual you're considering. If the person says "No smokers, period" and you're a smoker, don't contact them. Comprehension is everything, and no...mint gum doesn't hide the fact that you had 3 Marlboro's before meeting me (the fact that your teeth are closer to Competition Yellow than white is also a dead giveaway). "Social Drinker" means you responsibly enjoy a cocktail now and then at happy hour or some wine with dinner. It does NOT mean you have the ability to plow through a 12-pack in the course of an afternoon. And I don't care if you do look a lot like a Hooter Girl: "non-religious" probably means that I will NOT be accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior anytime soon.
4) Make sure that when you contact someone, the person is really someone you think you'd like to be with. If you're only so-so about the profile, don't bother. This isn't FreeDinner.com.
5) I'm here...presumably...to get to know YOU, so NO, it's not ok if a friend or two comes with you on a date. Unless of course your friends are Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz and they're bringing a gallon of vegetable oil to the party.
6) Don't belabor your date with endless tales of "what a great guy my ex-boyfriend was" or anything similar. Sweetie, I hate to burst your bubble, but I really don't care if your ex gave Jonas Salk the formula for the polio vaccine. Despite the fact that some men can be very patient, we really don't want to hear about your various ex's and all the things they did. If you're still hung up on an ex, I'm hangin' up on you.
7) At this age, you should be fully aware of how much alcohol you can handle. Despite the possible "fun factor," turning yourself into a wobbling, card-carrying, open-all-night drunk on your first date with someone is gonna make you look like a class-A idiot. And to be honest, I don't want to be associated with your king-sized "oh sh!t moment" when you sober up.
8) Guys...for chrissakes be smart. First meeting should be drinks. Or coffee. Or maybe lunch. That way, if you do wind up sitting across the table from said class-A idiot (or, if "a few extra pounds" turns out to be "a few DOZEN extra pounds") you'll know that this particular trip through hell will only last about an hour. When you're a hour into a dinner date, the eject handle is damn hard to find.
Wow. I feel so much better now that I know I may have saved someone a lot of grief, or at least a trip to the emergency room.
:angel: