Mike Mercury
05-23-2012, 1:36pm
I never had one of these; but the guy that wrote the owners manual musta have been a writer at Mad Magazine :)
Caring for your Pet Rock
Congratulations! You have just acquired your very own pet rock. With some tender love and care your pet rock and you can be best friends forever. However, the pet rock can also be a demanding creature, which is why we have created this helpful pamphlet filled with various the various do's and don'ts of pet rock care.
Feeding Your Pet Rock
Pet rocks are well known for their extremely slow metabolism. Even though this makes them excellent pets for the busy adventurer, it does have some needs. For optimal growth, it is suggested that the rock is placed directly under a stalactite drip every fifty years or so, for anywhere from two to five years. By absorbing the nutrients that trickle down from above your rock will grow rapidly. If your rock does not grow or seems to refuse to eat, it is suggested that you feed it by hand by dissolving nutritious minerals in a bucket of lukewarm water and applying a drop every ten seconds until the bucket is empty. Consult your local veterinarian or geologist for nutrition advice for your specific species of pet rock.
Sheltering Your Pet Rock
While pet rocks have been known to survive both the frigid cold of the far north and the scorching heat of the Kharidian deserts, your pet rock does have certain requirements when it comes to shelter. First and foremost your rock should be protected against exposure to streaming water and high winds, especially if these carry small particles such as sand or clay. Furthermore your pet rock, while able to resist extremely low and extremely high temperatures, repeated changes between the two are extremely harmful. While gradual changes may merely cause extreme discomfort (see also the section on common pet rock maladies), repeated rapid changes will often prove fatal. Therefor the ideal shelter for your pet rock protects it from wind, water and rapid temperature changes. Fortunately the pet rock is not very demanding when it comes to roaming space.
Exercising and Training Your Pet Rock
While the rock is normally a mostly stationary creature, it still requires occasional exercise to prevent unpleasant infections (see also the section on common pet rock maladies). Due to its stationary nature it is suggested that any training takes place on a slope of some sort, although hills that are too steep might excite the pet rock to the point where it might injure itself. Furthermore your pet rock might become impossible to keep up with, and nobody likes the idea of losing a footrace to a rock. Training your pet rock is a matter of knowing its strengths. Some popular pet rock tricks include "sit", "stay" and "play dead", although especially intelligent pet rocks can, with some encouragement, also be trained to roll over or even jump. The key to quickly training your pet rock is positive reinforcement. A few encouraging words and the promise of a calcium treat will yield results far more quickly than verbal and physical abuse.
Grooming Your Pet Rock
While some people prefer the aesthetic of the rock's naturally rugged coat, others may wish for a smoother look. This look is easily obtained by the occasional polish with a simple piece of cloth and a bit of mud. However, the most even and smooth results are achieved with a polishing paste made from ground diamond dust. A few minutes of tender love and care every now and then will have your pet rock shining with pride. Please note that some species of rock can lose their polished luster by exposure to water or air. If this is the case with your pet rock, a protective coating may be necessary. The easiest way to do it is to melt a small amount of wax and carefully applying a thin, even coat with a small brush. This protective coat should be refreshed frequently.
Common Pet Rock Maladies
While the rock is an incredibly resilient creature, it is by no means impervious to injury or disease. While these maladies can usually be prevented by proper care, there is always the off chance that your pet rock does run into some form of illness.
The most common affliction for pet rocks is moss infection. This is a fairly harmless condition that can be prevented with regular exercise, but if left unchecked could actually be fatal. It is recognized by a creeping growth, with colours ranging from light grey to a deep green, slowly covering the rock's surface. To cure a moss infection, first carefully remove as much of the growth as possible by hand, then carefully scrub any affected areas with a brush with stiff bristles. Nine out of ten geologists recommend larupia hair brushes. Please note that this procedure can be extremely uncomfortable for your pet rock, so make sure to soothe it with kind and friendly words while you take care of it.
Chips and cracks are usually caused by fights with other rocks, usually over territory or potential mates. Chips are usually not fatal, although sharp edges should be carefully polished down to protect both yourself and your pet rock from further injuries. Cracks are, unfortunately, far more harmful, but still treatable. To treat a moderate to severe crack, you should wrap your pet rock tightly in cloth, pressing the surfaces of the crack together. To ensure rapid healing, carefully drip a highly concentrated mineral solution into the crack for six months to a year. This treatment may need to be repeated several times, and you should take care not to remove the bandage until you are sure the wound has healed properly.
A very rare but very dangerous condition is the thermokarst. This condition occurs when a small crack is left untreated and allowed to fill with water. As the temperature rises and drops the water will expand and shrink, eventually causing great discomfort and even death. If you suspect your pet rock is suffering from a thermokarst you should place it in a warm, dry room for about three days. Afterward, make sure that there are no traces of moisture and treat the crack as necessary.
If you suspect that your pet rock is ill but does not show any of the symptoms mentioned above, please consult a professional.
:lol:
http://mofoyo.com.nyud.net/files/images/908.preview.jpg
Caring for your Pet Rock
Congratulations! You have just acquired your very own pet rock. With some tender love and care your pet rock and you can be best friends forever. However, the pet rock can also be a demanding creature, which is why we have created this helpful pamphlet filled with various the various do's and don'ts of pet rock care.
Feeding Your Pet Rock
Pet rocks are well known for their extremely slow metabolism. Even though this makes them excellent pets for the busy adventurer, it does have some needs. For optimal growth, it is suggested that the rock is placed directly under a stalactite drip every fifty years or so, for anywhere from two to five years. By absorbing the nutrients that trickle down from above your rock will grow rapidly. If your rock does not grow or seems to refuse to eat, it is suggested that you feed it by hand by dissolving nutritious minerals in a bucket of lukewarm water and applying a drop every ten seconds until the bucket is empty. Consult your local veterinarian or geologist for nutrition advice for your specific species of pet rock.
Sheltering Your Pet Rock
While pet rocks have been known to survive both the frigid cold of the far north and the scorching heat of the Kharidian deserts, your pet rock does have certain requirements when it comes to shelter. First and foremost your rock should be protected against exposure to streaming water and high winds, especially if these carry small particles such as sand or clay. Furthermore your pet rock, while able to resist extremely low and extremely high temperatures, repeated changes between the two are extremely harmful. While gradual changes may merely cause extreme discomfort (see also the section on common pet rock maladies), repeated rapid changes will often prove fatal. Therefor the ideal shelter for your pet rock protects it from wind, water and rapid temperature changes. Fortunately the pet rock is not very demanding when it comes to roaming space.
Exercising and Training Your Pet Rock
While the rock is normally a mostly stationary creature, it still requires occasional exercise to prevent unpleasant infections (see also the section on common pet rock maladies). Due to its stationary nature it is suggested that any training takes place on a slope of some sort, although hills that are too steep might excite the pet rock to the point where it might injure itself. Furthermore your pet rock might become impossible to keep up with, and nobody likes the idea of losing a footrace to a rock. Training your pet rock is a matter of knowing its strengths. Some popular pet rock tricks include "sit", "stay" and "play dead", although especially intelligent pet rocks can, with some encouragement, also be trained to roll over or even jump. The key to quickly training your pet rock is positive reinforcement. A few encouraging words and the promise of a calcium treat will yield results far more quickly than verbal and physical abuse.
Grooming Your Pet Rock
While some people prefer the aesthetic of the rock's naturally rugged coat, others may wish for a smoother look. This look is easily obtained by the occasional polish with a simple piece of cloth and a bit of mud. However, the most even and smooth results are achieved with a polishing paste made from ground diamond dust. A few minutes of tender love and care every now and then will have your pet rock shining with pride. Please note that some species of rock can lose their polished luster by exposure to water or air. If this is the case with your pet rock, a protective coating may be necessary. The easiest way to do it is to melt a small amount of wax and carefully applying a thin, even coat with a small brush. This protective coat should be refreshed frequently.
Common Pet Rock Maladies
While the rock is an incredibly resilient creature, it is by no means impervious to injury or disease. While these maladies can usually be prevented by proper care, there is always the off chance that your pet rock does run into some form of illness.
The most common affliction for pet rocks is moss infection. This is a fairly harmless condition that can be prevented with regular exercise, but if left unchecked could actually be fatal. It is recognized by a creeping growth, with colours ranging from light grey to a deep green, slowly covering the rock's surface. To cure a moss infection, first carefully remove as much of the growth as possible by hand, then carefully scrub any affected areas with a brush with stiff bristles. Nine out of ten geologists recommend larupia hair brushes. Please note that this procedure can be extremely uncomfortable for your pet rock, so make sure to soothe it with kind and friendly words while you take care of it.
Chips and cracks are usually caused by fights with other rocks, usually over territory or potential mates. Chips are usually not fatal, although sharp edges should be carefully polished down to protect both yourself and your pet rock from further injuries. Cracks are, unfortunately, far more harmful, but still treatable. To treat a moderate to severe crack, you should wrap your pet rock tightly in cloth, pressing the surfaces of the crack together. To ensure rapid healing, carefully drip a highly concentrated mineral solution into the crack for six months to a year. This treatment may need to be repeated several times, and you should take care not to remove the bandage until you are sure the wound has healed properly.
A very rare but very dangerous condition is the thermokarst. This condition occurs when a small crack is left untreated and allowed to fill with water. As the temperature rises and drops the water will expand and shrink, eventually causing great discomfort and even death. If you suspect your pet rock is suffering from a thermokarst you should place it in a warm, dry room for about three days. Afterward, make sure that there are no traces of moisture and treat the crack as necessary.
If you suspect that your pet rock is ill but does not show any of the symptoms mentioned above, please consult a professional.
:lol:
http://mofoyo.com.nyud.net/files/images/908.preview.jpg