Need some clean jokes: BarnBux paid

[NB2K]

I'm emceeing an event and need some clean jokes.
I'm already gonna use the "took a bus home" one.

$$$ paid.

[Blademaker]

Unique Doug :seasix:

[snide]

Unique Doug :seasix:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Bucwheat]

Four small boys getting off the school bus,walking by a privacy fence, one looks through a hole and there is a women sun bathing naked,they all push each other out of the way to get a peep except Johnny,Hey Johnny come look"no way" so they all grab him and push his face up to the hole and he runs off down the road as fast as he could,when they catch him they ask what's up and he says" My Dad always told me if I said or saw anything nasty I would turn to stone,well I felt something getting Hard".

[Kerrmudgeon]

Here's a whole bunch from our Friday joke thread over at the old Corvettes forum. Some are vadered from here, but there's a lot more......:D

FRIDAY FUNNIES...........all weekend long! - Corvette Forum (http://forums.corvetteforum.com/c1-and-c2-corvettes/2967216-friday-funnies-all-weekend-long.html)


If you go bad date wise, you'll find more every Friday.:seasix:

[DAB]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

5 min later, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

5 min later, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little webbed feet to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

more:

The World's Best / Funniest / Most Hilarious Jokes | theVoiceofReason.co.uk (http://www.thevoiceofreason.co.uk/WorldsFunniestJokes/index.htm)

[78SA]

:waiting:

[Cybercowboy]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

[mrvette]

Official joke of the day thread - VetteMOD.com


read away.....hundreds of posts.....


:rofl:

[Blademaker]

Maybe you could emcee in this style:

Foster Brooks on Dean Martin Roasts - YouTube

[Issues]

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

[NB2K]

Unique Doug :seasix:

Too insider-ish

[NB2K]

Maybe you could emcee in this style:

Foster Brooks on Dean Martin Roasts - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYusPRre07k)

I actually gave that some thought...

I do that pretty well-years of practice.:D

[Bill]

Why do Baptists eschew drinking alcohol?

A: Drinking could lead to dancing.

[Datawiz]

I'm emceeing an event and need some clean jokes.
I'm already gonna use the "took a bus home" one.

$$$ paid.

The radio show "Bob and Tom" have a pretty nice collection of current jokes:

Jokes - The Bob & Tom Show (http://www.bobandtom.com/jokes)

:cert:

[NB2K]

Why do Baptists eschew drinking alcohol?

A: Drinking could lead to dancing.

Too Baptist-y:D

[kingpin]

[holds up a white piece of paper and asks]
Do you see this piece of art I made?
Do you know what it is?
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's a cow stuck in a snow storm!

[this should get you booed off the stage and tomotoes and shoes thrown at you]

make sure there is video and post it here.

[Jeff '79]

What are the two guys names, that are hanging above the living room picture window ?

Curt & Rod

That's as clean and simple as they get......:D

[boracayjohnny]

Too Baptist-y:D

Why do you always invite two Mormons to go fishing with you?

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

Too Mormon-y? :D:D

[NB2K]

Why do you always invite two Mormons to go fishing with you?

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

Too Mormon-y? :D:D

Nah, that's not bad.:datawiz:

We don't have too many Mormoms in Mandeville, though.

We ran them and the Democrats out of town during the Purge.

[Blademaker]

We ran them and the Democrats out of town during the Purge.

Smart move :seasix:

[boracayjohnny]

Nah, that's not bad.:datawiz:

We don't have too many Mormoms in Mandeville, though.

We ran them and the Democrats out of town during the Purge.

:lol:

I did meet a lot of good folks while in Utah. Good but some were repressed as hell. One guy in my squadron took living vicariously to the limit. He was always around when we were talking about this golf outing with lots of beer and Bacardi when at home station or club hopping when off station. We always tried to get him to go but were only successful when other Mormons golfed. I guess our efforts for the Redlight District in Frankfurt, Germany was a little too much, though. :D

[NB2K]

:lol:

I did meet a lot of good folks while in Utah. Good but some were repressed as hell. One guy in my squadron took living vicariously to the limit. He was always around when we were talking about this golf outing with lots of beer and Bacardi when at home station or club hopping when off station. We always tried to get him to go but were only successful when other Mormons golfed. I guess our efforts for the Redlight District in Frankfurt, Germany was a little too much, though. :D

No doubt, I was just kidding about 'em.
I almost became a Mormon back when I was on the search. (serious)

Couldn't hang with the Postum though.:D

[Kerrmudgeon]

Sooooo, where's my Barn Bucks Buddy?:toetap:

[SnowDale]

I thought you would go for Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux Jokes - Southern Thoughts (http://www.southernthoughts.com/STBoudreaux.htm)

[NB2K]

Sooooo, where's my Barn Bucks Buddy?:toetap:

Coming your way.

What's the deal on transferring them?

[jaxgator]

Coming your way.

What's the deal on transferring them?

Go into the gameroom. Click on "Transfer cash" button at the top right. Type in the "User Name" and "Amount". Click on the "Transfer cash" button on the pop-up window. Done.

Airplane

There was a Famous Doctor, an Old Man and a Boyscout on an airplane with engine failure. Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes. The quick thinking Doctor stated "I am the smartest man here and also in the world .. so he jumped out! The Old Man said "My time has been good and the end is near go on kid". The Boyscout replied "No that is okay, the smartest man in the world was in such a hurry, he just jumped out with my knapsack.

Bad Speller

A man is sitting on his porch. Another man crosses the street and is hit by a pickup truck. The first man cals 911. The operator says, "911, what is your emergency?" The man explains that another man has been hit by a pickup truck. The operator asks, "What's your location?" The man says, "We're at 241 Eucolipstic Road." The operator asks the man if he would spell the road name. The man says, "U-c ... uhm, Y-o-u ... uhm, I tell you what, I'll drag him over to Oak street. That's O-a-k."

[NB2K]

Go into the gameroom. Click on "Transfer cash" button at the top right. Type in the "User Name" and "Amount". Click on the "Transfer cash" button on the pop-up window. Done.Airplane

There was a Famous Doctor, an Old Man and a Boyscout on an airplane with engine failure. Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes. The quick thinking Doctor stated "I am the smartest man here and also in the world .. so he jumped out! The Old Man said "My time has been good and the end is near go on kid". The Boyscout replied "No that is okay, the smartest man in the world was in such a hurry, he just jumped out with my knapsack.

Bad Speller

A man is sitting on his porch. Another man crosses the street and is hit by a pickup truck. The first man cals 911. The operator says, "911, what is your emergency?" The man explains that another man has been hit by a pickup truck. The operator asks, "What's your location?" The man says, "We're at 241 Eucolipstic Road." The operator asks the man if he would spell the road name. The man says, "U-c ... uhm, Y-o-u ... uhm, I tell you what, I'll drag him over to Oak street. That's O-a-k."

Thanks, I couldn't remember.

[Bingo Fuel]

A guy goes into a dentist's office. The dentist says, "How can I help you?"

The guy says, "I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "Excuse me?"

The guy says again, "I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "I think maybe you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a dentist."

The guy says, "I saw a psychiatrist."

The dentist says, "So what are you doing here?"

The guy says...

"Your light was on."

[simpleman68]

Coming your way.

Sent a few bux to help fund the comedy research. :cert:
Scott

[DAB]

Sent a few bux to help fund the comedy research. :cert:
Scott

likewise. :hurray::hurray:

[Flatbush Harry]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

Did you hear the one about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? He sat up all night contemplating the possible existence of a dog.

You said you wanted clean.........

:slap:

Haryr

['77Babe]

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was assaulted.

:leaving:

[onedef92]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

[NB2K]

Sent a few bux to help fund the comedy research. :cert:
Scott

Whoa!

Many thanks Scott!:cert:

[NB2K]

likewise. :hurray::hurray:

Thanks Douglas.:cert:

[Jeff '79]

Ok, dude...Here you go....Some short & sweet , claen jokes....

> I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
>
>
>
> The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
>
>
>
> Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
>
>
>
> My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
>
>
>
> Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
>
>
>
> Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
>
>
>
> The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
>
>
>
> A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
>
>
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
>
>
>
> My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
>
>
>
> I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
>
>
>
> There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
>
>
>
> The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
>

[NB2K]

OK, that's one I can work in:

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
:D