How to prepare for deployment to Iraq

[boracayjohnny]

Yes it is old but continues to be filled with a lot of truth. For those that have been there, you may even find yourself laughing and flinching at the same time. :D

Cliffs:
Prepare thy anus.

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

[69camfrk]

Why Ike...whatever do you mean????:D
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time
:rofl:

All of that sounds about right.

[DJ_Critterus]

so friggen true.

#34 :rofl:

[Jeff '79]

:cool1: I think we did that in Weblos once.....:seasix: It's good to see my taxes paying for all of that fun......How anyone would pick that gig in life is beyond me...

[boracayjohnny]

:cool1: I think we did that in Weblos once.....:seasix: It's good to see my taxes paying for all of that fun......How anyone would pick that gig in life is beyond me...

Imagine part of the folks at your work flying half way around the world. There will be some "cool" co-workers who sit around at 0400, fart, and laugh about eating the same bad food daily. Now, who cannot say that's fun?

[Jeff '79]

Imagine part of the folks at your work flying half way around the world. There will be some "cool" co-workers who sit around at 0400, fart, and laugh about eating the same bad food daily. Now, who cannot say that's fun?

I would do it, but I think that it would get very old, very fast......No pool ? F'k that !

[boracayjohnny]

I would do it, but I think that it would get very old, very fast......No pool ? F'k that !

Oh, there is a pool. It's JP-8 (aviation fuel) in open top rubber bladders over at the fuel farm. :D

There was an olympic size pool at Balad. Baghdad had man made lakes but who knows what else was in the water beside those three legged fish. And Basra had a neat one called The Persian Gulf.

[RedLS1GTO]

:rofl:


Or to simulate Navy life...


Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053."
Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day.
Shower with above-mentioned friends.
Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc)
Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.
Repaint your entire house once a month.
Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.
Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald, and NOT get promoted.
Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more, they just ask for hot dogs.
In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Install a fluorescent lamp on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "man overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go stand in front of your stove. Say (to no one in particular) "stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3-4 hours. Say (once again to nobody) "stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put it away.
When it rains. Get two empty coke bottles, tie them together, and hang them around your neck. Go outside and stand in the rain for four hours. From time to time look through the coke bottles and observe the horizon and lightning.

[jaxgator]

So true, I am sure. And it's amazing that you never hear complaints from our soldiers. :patriot:

[NB2K]

:cool1: I think we did that in Weblos once.....:seasix: It's good to see my taxes paying for all of that fun......How anyone would pick that gig in life is beyond me...

And I thank God every day that they do.

[boracayjohnny]

:rofl:


Or to simulate Navy life...

:rofl::rofl:

[8Up]

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I always tell my wife, no matter how bad a day I/she had "At least we dont have to sleep in the mud tonight" BTDT.

[Flatbush Harry]

or, to simulate USAF life (for all but combat controllers and PJs),

1. Call the VOQ from base ops to ensure your room is ready, with fresh linens and a fully stocked fridge.
2. Call the motor pool for a driver to take you to the stag bar.
3. If no seats are available at the bar, find three other TAC, er, ACC fighter-types, and, interlocking wrists with the largest guy at the outer end of the chain, sweep down the bar, knocking the MAC, er AMC- and SAC-, er, ACC-bomber types off their stools and onto the floor. Take their seats and order doubles. Buy the multi-engine pukes, er, brothers in green bags, a round of drinks for them to drink, standing.
4. After several rounds of doubles, break into worshipful song about MaryAnn Burns, Queen of All the Acrobats and her amazing skills with legumes. Other songs, such as Beside the Belgian, er, Korean, er, Laotian, er, Afghani Waterfall, are sung off-key (songs don't change, only the locale)
5. When the base commander enters the bar to have you arrested, claim he did not get his cover off quickly enough and order a round for all occupants, to be charged to him.
6. If there are USAF groupies present in the bar, flirt unconscionably but use the direct approach to avoid significant investment for the evening's entertainment.
7. After striking out with the groupies, running out of songs, straining one's throttle wrist telling interesting and semi-true stories about one's aerial skills, stagger out of the bar, arm-in-arm with your newfound friends, to the VOQ. Go to your assigned room (escort may be required) and try to remove jump boots before climbing between crisp sheets.
8. Shower, dress and toddle over to the O-Club for a tasty breakfast of real eggs and good coffee (this is the Air Force, after all).
9. After a sumptuous repast, wander over to base ops to find out where your squadron is holding it's morning BS session, er, pre-mission brief.
10. Attend brief (if a JO, find your section or flight leader) for re-brief because you dozed off in the first brief.
11. Toddle off to the Personal equipment room to complete your ablutions and dress. Try hard not to get your schwannstucker stuck in the bottom zipper of your green bag. Tighten your g-suit appropriately.
12. Get on the right bus to your area of the ramp.
13a. Find your airplane if you landed it in re-usable condition and fly today's mission, as briefed. Remember to keep your air turned to O2 until the alcoholic haze of the preceding evening burns off...this is generally accomplished by the time you reach 5,000' so stay in combat trail until then.
13b. If you did not bring your assigned airplane back in re-usable condition, base ops will have had you scraped off the runway and brought to the base hospital, where you will be examined in order of rank, er, severity of injuries, er, order of rank). In this case, disregard steps 1-12, and flirt unconscionably with any female flight nurses in attendance. Flirting with female flight surgeons is not advised...they can get you grounded and will write nasty notes about your anatomy in your chart. If you have been brought to a naval hospital, remember to salute and request permission to come aboard before mounting a nurse...the Navy has traditions and protocol, after all.
14.-121. Miscellaneous other hijinks, interspersed with recesses and nap times.

I think that's how it went.

Hyarr, 2Lt, USAFR (ret)
1968-1971

From my retired status, you can tell that my USAF career was appropriately brief and undistinguished although I was practiced and skillful at 13b. My career did come to a happy ending, er, ....

[73sbVert]

And I thank God every day that they do.

You're welcome! :D

[boracayjohnny]

or, to simulate USAF Officer and Pilot life,

Fixted.

[Flatbush Harry]

or, to simulate USAF Officer and Pilot life,

Fixted.

Oops. Do you mean that the Air Force is somehow stratified?

:rofl:

Sen. Blutarsky

[boracayjohnny]

Oops. Do you mean that the Air Force is somehow stratified?

:rofl:

Sen. Blutarsky

Most definitely, the pilots have a different lifestyle.

[Flatbush Harry]

Most definitely, the pilots have a different lifestyle.

No! (Gasp!)

Ya think?

:dance:

Hyarr Flubshat

[boracayjohnny]

No! (Gasp!)

Ya think?

:dance:

Hyarr Flubshat

I once had a Lt Col ask me to hurry up my folks during an upload. We had just unloaded his C5 and, in a deployed location, needed to unload the equipment we just used. The same equipment would be used for his upload. He further stated he was a large target in a hostile area. I looked at him and said, "Yessir, I understand that but we live here". I could see the mental rolodex spinning but not locking into anything. After a couple more seconds, he sputtered something about addressing those concerns with higher ups and walked away. Pilots, sometimes the Prima Donna role doesn't work. :D

[Flatbush Harry]

I once had a Lt Col ask me to hurry up my folks during an upload. We had just unloaded his C5 and, in a deployed location, needed to unload the equipment we just used. The same equipment would be used for his upload. He further stated he was a large target in a hostile area. I looked at him and said, "Yessir, I understand that but we live here". I could see the mental rolodex spinning but not locking into anything. After a couple more seconds, he sputtered something about addressing those concerns with higher ups and walked away. Pilots, sometimes the Prima Donna role doesn't work. :D

I was a humble one...but, as a second balloon and new pilot, you have to be. Self-important second lieutenants sometimes don't make it to first lieutenant...wait a feckin' minute...I didn't make it to first lieutenant.

:confused5:

Actually, I was due in June '71, just didn't last that long.

yraHr, 2nd feckin' Lt, USAFR (retired as a cripple)

[boracayjohnny]

I was a humble one...but, as a second balloon and new pilot, you have to be. Self-important second lieutenants sometimes don't make it to first lieutenant...wait a feckin' minute...I didn't make it to first lieutenant.

:confused5:

Actually, I was due in June '71, just didn't last that long.

yraHr, 2nd feckin' Lt, USAFR (retired as a cripple)

:lol:

See, then you would've been a great "customer" of mine. I would've gone out of my way for you. It's like any job, you always have good and bad customers. :seasix::cert:

You've got me reminiscing now....

I had this C-130 loadmaster that came through sometimes. He was a prickly fella but I just did my job and did it well. You just gotta ignore some of the buffalo chips when they're gonna be gone very quickly, right? Anyway, one day he's telling me to not run off so quick because there's a box up front he needs to throw on the equipment. So, we get done and I head up to where he is. He pushes a freshly baked pizza straight out of the small oven to me and says, "Now get off my plane". I smile, thank him, and go share it with the fellas. To have a fresh pizza in the middle of shithole was a pretty good deal. We ate the hell outta that. :D

[jaxgator]

13a. Find your airplane if you landed it in re-usable condition and fly today's mission

:rofl:

[ft laud mike]

or, to simulate USAF life (for all but combat controllers and PJs),

1. Call the VOQ from base ops to ensure your room is ready, with fresh linens and a fully stocked fridge.
2. Call the motor pool for a driver to take you to the stag bar.
3. If no seats are available at the bar, find three other TAC, er, ACC fighter-types, and, interlocking wrists with the largest guy at the outer end of the chain, sweep down the bar, knocking the MAC, er AMC- and SAC-, er, ACC-bomber types off their stools and onto the floor. Take their seats and order doubles. Buy the multi-engine pukes, er, brothers in green bags, a round of drinks for them to drink, standing.
4. After several rounds of doubles, break into worshipful song about MaryAnn Burns, Queen of All the Acrobats and her amazing skills with legumes. Other songs, such as Beside the Belgian, er, Korean, er, Laotian, er, Afghani Waterfall, are sung off-key (songs don't change, only the locale)
5. When the base commander enters the bar to have you arrested, claim he did not get his cover off quickly enough and order a round for all occupants, to be charged to him.
6. If there are USAF groupies present in the bar, flirt unconscionably but use the direct approach to avoid significant investment for the evening's entertainment.
7. After striking out with the groupies, running out of songs, straining one's throttle wrist telling interesting and semi-true stories about one's aerial skills, stagger out of the bar, arm-in-arm with your newfound friends, to the VOQ. Go to your assigned room (escort may be required) and try to remove jump boots before climbing between crisp sheets.
8. Shower, dress and toddle over to the O-Club for a tasty breakfast of real eggs and good coffee (this is the Air Force, after all).
9. After a sumptuous repast, wander over to base ops to find out where your squadron is holding it's morning BS session, er, pre-mission brief.
10. Attend brief (if a JO, find your section or flight leader) for re-brief because you dozed off in the first brief.
11. Toddle off to the Personal equipment room to complete your ablutions and dress. Try hard not to get your schwannstucker stuck in the bottom zipper of your green bag. Tighten your g-suit appropriately.
12. Get on the right bus to your area of the ramp.
13a. Find your airplane if you landed it in re-usable condition and fly today's mission, as briefed. Remember to keep your air turned to O2 until the alcoholic haze of the preceding evening burns off...this is generally accomplished by the time you reach 5,000' so stay in combat trail until then.
13b. If you did not bring your assigned airplane back in re-usable condition, base ops will have had you scraped off the runway and brought to the base hospital, where you will be examined in order of rank, er, severity of injuries, er, order of rank). In this case, disregard steps 1-12, and flirt unconscionably with any female flight nurses in attendance. Flirting with female flight surgeons is not advised...they can get you grounded and will write nasty notes about your anatomy in your chart. If you have been brought to a naval hospital, remember to salute and request permission to come aboard before mounting a nurse...the Navy has traditions and protocol, after all.
14.-121. Miscellaneous other hijinks, interspersed with recesses and nap times.

I think that's how it went.

Hyarr, 2Lt, USAFR (ret)
1968-1971

From my retired status, you can tell that my USAF career was appropriately brief and undistinguished although I was practiced and skillful at 13b. My career did come to a happy ending, er, ....

BOOO, I knew I should have gone AF, right after I was stationed next to Pope..
:cert: